


Get Along With the Voices Inside My Head

by redroses100



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Behavioral Hospital AU, Bitterness, Chess Metaphors, Child Neglect, Consensual Sex, Depression, Disabled Character, Dubious Consent, Everyone Is Fucking Crazy, Feels, Finally, Groping, Group Therapy, Guilt, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Insomnia, Kissing, M/M, MPD, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, More Tension, More fucking therapy, Multiple Personalities, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Non-Penetrative Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possessive Behavior, Rape is not between Shizuo and Izaya, Rape/Non-con Elements, Scratching, Self-Harm, Sexual Tension, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, The Gangs All Here, Therapy, Uncomfortable Izaya, Wheelchairs, discomfort, discussion of suicide, everyone is fucking ;), forced contact, trouble eating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-06-28 16:20:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 25
Words: 84,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15710856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redroses100/pseuds/redroses100
Summary: After royally screwing up, Izaya is admitted to a behavior hospital by his parents, and given the ultimatum that this is his last chance. He believes them. So he promises to actually try to get better this time.All he has to do is avoid pestering his new therapist until he quits, not start wars in the ward, and refrain from antagonize any of the other patients. Which, for Izaya, is all easier said than done.Especially when some of the other patients on the ward are hell bent on making his life a living nightmare. One in particular.What's a mentally unstable, almost-adult to do? Besides avoid the resident sociopath, that is.





	1. Admittance

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with another long fic! Not a one shot this time, guys! i have almost all of this done, and believe me it's taken a while...so i'll hopefully be updating pretty regularly. I haven't decided how often i'll be updating yet, but more than once a week i'm thinking.  
> So, i'm gonna be upfront with you guys. this one is depressing (like most of my fics tbh), and has some triggers in some chapters. I WILL BE UPDATING THE TAGS WITH EACH CHAPTER TO AVOID SPOILERS UNTIL THAT CHAPTER IS POSTED. SO IF YOU THINK THIS COULD BECOME TRIGGERING TO YOU, PLEASE ALWAYS CHECK THE TAGS WHEN A NEW CHAPTER IS POSTED!  
> That being said, if you want to avoid spoilers, don't read the tags, but don't be surprised if a trigger comes at you outta fucking no where.  
> Also, while the setting of this fic is from my own personal history, the plot is not. And, as always, it's entirely fictional and there are tons of moments where creative license is taken! but in the end, this is a work of fiction and a biiiiig cathartic experience for me personally. so please, try to keep an open mind.  
> Anyway, i hope you guys like this!

Dr. Haruya Shiki looks like there’s a lot of things he’d rather be doing than sitting across a desk from me right now. Not that I blame him. Who’d want to be called into work at two in the morning, let alone to do a psych evaluation of some snot nosed brat?

Still, for how much money my parents are throwing at this place, you’d think he could afford a better bedside manner. When he gets done reading my file, there’s no warm, fake smile or gentle folding of hands. He throws it down and leans back in his seat to turn unsettling, icy eyes on me.

“You have quite the repertoire. Seven expulsions from school. Five hospital visits. Three of which were suicide attempts. You seem to enjoy chaos, Mr. Orihara.”

“Some might even say I thrive on it.” I drawl in return, flicking my eyes across his office in disinterest.

“If by thriving you mean you’re holding on by a thread.” He deadpans. I ignore him. “Your file also said you’re responsible for the recent hospitalization of your twin sisters. Would you like to talk about that?”

“I hardly call the country club my parents shipped them to a hospital. I’m sure the girls are living it up on their vacation.” I scoff.

“You feel like you’ve done them a favor then?” He’s…actually pretty good. Most psychiatrists bother me, and so I do my best to bother them in return. Most can’t even finish the session. This guy isn’t bothered. He doesn’t even flinch at my naturally off putting personality. It might be harder to manipulate him than the other shrinks I’ve been sent to.

Which doesn’t exactly sit right with me. I don’t like people who are so calm. They’re…difficult. Hard to get a read on. I scowl at Dr. Shiki, who scowls right back.

“Let me be blunt, Mr. Orihara. The patients in my facility have all been sent here from other hospitals. Recommendations are few and far between. The fact that you’ve been recommended is not a good sign.” I knew that already. I can’t help but to roll my eyes. “That being said, if I choose to allow your admission, you may find your stay less of a… _ _vacation__ than your previous hospital stays were.”

“You can always say no.” I remind him. I’m sure my parents would love that.

Shiki doesn’t so much as bat an eye. He considers me- sizing up the leisurely slump of my body in the uncomfortable chair. A tiny frown curls down the corner of his lips. And then he opens the file on his desk, signs the paper at the top of the pile, and flips it closed again.

“You’ll be meeting with me every other morning for half an hour. You’ll be starting out at a level 1.”

“How thrilling.” I sigh. He flicks an unimpressed gaze at me as he fishes around his desk for his key card. When he stands and gestures for me to follow, I push myself to my feet and wander after him.

Kyouko and Shirou are still in the waiting room. Which is honestly surprising. Usually they’ve bounced by now. But maybe they weren’t allowed to, considering Dr. Shiki hadn’t given his authorization for me to stay here until just a minute ago. They look eager to leave.

“I assume you’ve been briefed on our standards.” Dr. Shiki starts when we join them in their little corner. There’s no introduction, no words of comfort for parents dealing with a troubling child. It’s kinda awesome. “Our shortest evaluation takes three months. Given the fact that your son turns eighteen in five months, we can’t legally admit him for any longer than that.”

“Yes, we understand.” Kyouko nods sharply, her voice as flat as her eyes. It’s been a long night for her. I can’t stand the sight of her.

“You’ve been put in contact with the financial planners?” Dr. Shiki affirms.

“It’s all taken care of.” Shirou dismisses. And of course it is. My parents’ pockets run deeper than their affection ever could. “Please, just take care of him.”

I’m not sure if this is Shirou pretending to be a concerned dad, or maybe he’s begging the good doc to kill me in my sleep. I don’t realize I’m smirking until I glance up and find myself under Kyouko’s sharp glare. Dr. Shiki notices as well.

“In that case, I’ll leave you to your goodbyes. Naturally we have visiting hours, but I understand you both work outside the country most of the time.”

“Ah, yes. But, he has a grandmother within thirty minutes of here, in case any emergencies happen.” Shirou promises. Not that Dr. Shiki looked very concerned.

“Goodnight then.” He tips his head and disappears from the room so fast I’m almost in awe.

That awe fades fast, since he’s left me with my parents and an awkward silence that hurts to listen to. A clock ticks off the seconds as we stand quietly. My gaze is lazily tracing the shape of the room. Anything to avoid the eye contact they’re both trying to force.

Finally Kyouko sighs bitterly and grabs my chin to physically meet my eyes. “Remember what we discussed, Izaya. This is your last chance. I suggest you make the most of it, because after this there is no safety net for you.” She warns. I jerk away from her touch.

“What your mother means to say,” Shirou steps up beside his wife, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Is that there’s only so much we can do for you once you become an adult. So please, it won’t kill you to actually try for once.”

My palms sting with how hard my nails bite into my skin. I’m bordering on the line of drawing blood when the door opens behind us again.

A very large man wearing bright white scrubs ambles in, with a smile so big I have to wonder if he’s trying to make up for Dr. Shiki’s complete and total lack of positive facial expressions. When he comes to stand beside me, he’s easily a foot taller than me.

“Hello, I am nurse Simon.” He introduces himself, his voice thick with a Russian accent. The kind that’s so thick it must be staged. But I keep that thought to myself. Besides, I think Kyouko and Shirou are more preoccupied with how intimidatingly __large__ this nurse is. I’m pretty used to beefy nurses though. “You must be Izaya.”

“That’s me.” I give him a sardonic smirk but, like Dr. Shiki, it doesn’t even make him blink. Damn. Just how immune are the people here?

“I will take you to ward now. Have you done hugs and kisses yet?” He glances back to my parents, not quite missing the way Kyouko’s nose scrunches up at the idea of showing affection. I snort a dry laugh.

“Sure did buddy. We’re all set.” I tell him, turning my back on my parents and walking away to wait by the door.

“Call us anytime.” Shirou chirps behind me.

“Don’t forget what we discussed.” Kyouko repeats, just as sharp as before. Simon waits for me to nod in some semblance of recognition before he’ll swipe his key card to lead me from the awkward air of the waiting room.

“You are not saying goodbye?” Simon sounds mystified by this. Though it can’t be a new concept in a place like this, kids being angry with their parents. I dismiss him with an easy wave.

“Trust me, they don’t care one way or another.” Not like they ever stuck around for proper farewells before. At the very least I can appreciate that Dr. Shiki and this facility can make my parents just as uncomfortable as they make me. That’s worth it’s weight in gold, right there.

“I am sure this is not true.” Simon is aiming for comforting I think. It’s a pitiful attempts, if that’s what he’s going for.

“Is that your real accent?” I demand. He looks surprised.

“Of course!” I kinda think it isn’t. But if it’ll make him shut up, I’ll drop it.

Simon leads me down three long hallways before we arrive at the ward he mentioned. He swipes his key card again and holds open the door for me to pass through. The ward itself is shaped like a big L, I saw that much on a map while I was waiting for Dr. Shiki to arrive earlier.

The short side of the L is just inside this doorway, with the entrance to the day room and the shrink office on my left. Simon guides me around the corner, revealing the long stretch of patient rooms on either side of the hallway. At the very end is a door leading out to what’s most likely a little patio. Just before that is the nurses station, where Simon has me sit across the counter from a pretty woman in black scrubs.

“Hello Izaya.” She speaks very calmly, and still her voice is musical to listen to. I kind of grunt in reply. “We just have a few things to go over with you, and then you can go to your room for the night.” She proceeds to pull out a stack of papers that I could probably fill out by memory at this point.

At some point the nurse realizes this and stops explaining things in favor of going back to whatever she was doing before I got to the ward. Which apparently involves typing unceasingly as her eyes trace lines on her computer screen.

Simon is puttering around behind his coworker, near a wall of filing cabinets. Besides him and the female nurse there’s another guy with lighter hair and gray scrubs, and just as crazy of an accent. They speak back and forth in Russian as they idly do their duties.

I don’t catch most of it, since I’m only able to keep one ear out as I fill out my forms. But I do hear Simon calling the male nurse Egor. And I do hear mention of the ‘Beast of Ikebukuro’, whatever that is. But mostly it sounds like gossip about the ward. Which I normally would be super interested in. But I’m tired.

“Thank you.” The female nurse chimes when I push the papers back towards her. “I’m Celty. I’ll be here every night from six p.m. to six a.m. with Simon and Egor. In the daytime you’ll have Kadota, Chikage, and Tom as your nurses. And it looks like you’ll be seeing Dr. Shiki. Do you have any questions about any of that?”

“No.”

“Alright. Would you like to shower before you go to bed?”

“No, thanks.” I’m too exhausted to imagine keeping my balance in a shower right now.

“Okay. The clothes you brought with you are already in your room if you’d like to change. Are there any other questions I can answer for you?” When I shake my head, Celty gestures to get Simon’s attention.

“Ah, is time for bed?” He proposes. Celty nods, and Simon comes back through the doorway separating the nurses station from the hallway. “This way to your room.” He encourages with another one of those ridiculously big smiles.

“Sleep well.” Celty tells me, waiting until I’ve stood to follow Simon before she starts sorting my paperwork.

Simon takes me halfway back down the hall before stopping at an open door. My roommate is dead asleep on the bed closest to the doorway, curled up so only a few tufts of brown hair are visible from under his blanket. Simon makes a shushing motion to me, and I nod. He pats my shoulder and ambles back to the nurses station.

I change in the bathroom, not even glancing at myself in the mirror. I’m sure I look like crap. I’d prefer to worry about that in the morning. Or well, in about four and a half hours when I’m woken up. I sigh to myself.

The bed I crawl into isn’t super comfortable. But honestly it could be a rock and I’d probably still be out within a few minutes. With a mattress and pillow beneath me, it barely takes sixty seconds before I’m starting to nod off.

Between one blink and the next, I’m asleep.


	2. Day 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say to start with your best foot forward. Izaya is better at starting with his best fail forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back! With a longer chapter! and tons of introductions!  
> Quick side note though, i do in fact know that Kadota does not have dreadlocks in the show. i also do not, in fact, care. He has dreads in this. it's sexy. get off my dick.   
> Enjoy!

Day 1

“No freaking way! What are the odds!” I’m jerked awake not by a nurse, but by the overly excited yelling of my roommate- which does no favors to the headache brewing at the back of my skull.

I crack my eyes open, cringing at how raw they feel. Like sand has been rubbing between my lid and my eyeball all night. It leaves me squinting at the eager face sitting up in bed across from me. An eager face that I think I actually recognize. What the hell?

“Shinra?” I mumble. His grin grows.

“You remember me? I’m flattered!” He’s just as dramatic as he used to be. I consider turning over in bed and ignoring him, but then someone passes by and knocks loudly on our open door.

“Rise and shine ladies and gents! Rise and shine for vitals!” He shouts the chant as he passes, and continues it as he walks further down the hall.

“He does that every morning. Hey, come on, it’s better to get out there as soon as possible. Vitals take forever otherwise.” Shinra encourages me, slipping from his bed and pulling on a pair of socks from his nightstand. When he finishes hopping around from foot to foot- even though there’s a stable bed literally right behind him he could have used- he looks back towards me and frowns. “Come on Izaya.”

“Don’t wanna.” I sigh. He rolls his eyes.

“Nobody wants to, but we gotta. So come on.” He bounces impatiently on his feet until I begrudgingly force myself out of bed. My body feels like wet cement. Gross.

Shinra grabs my hand and totes me out of the room, letting go the second we’re in line of sight of the pair of nurses outside the station. There’s two other patients already lined up that Shinra slips in behind. I follow after him benignly.

“Morning, sleeping beauty.” I flick my eyes up to see who the subject of such ridicule is. And then I notice that everyone’s eyes are on me, and the nurse I didn’t notice standing beside me. He smiles warmly, his hands tucked casually in the pockets of his green scrubs.

I’ve seen a lot of nurses in my life. This is the first one to have straight up dreadlocks. He looks pretty badass. Which I would definitely appreciate more if I didn’t feel like death warmed over right now.

“Morning Dotachin!” Shinra is way too loud, considering the man is less than two feet from him. I cringe. So does the nurse.

“Inside voice, Shinra.” He sounds resigned even as he admonishes the bespectacled boy. “I’m Kadota, one of your daytime nurses.” He’s turned his attention back to me. I nod stiffly. “Not a morning person I gather?”

“Normally I am.” I admit somewhat bitterly.

“You didn’t get onto the ward until pretty late last night, right?” I nod again. “I’m sure we can fit in a nap for you after breakfast then.”

“Izaya likes naps!” Shinra exclaims again. “You would take two or sometimes three if you could get away with it!” Here he snickers, like I’m some mad genius for being able to take naps.

“You’ve met before?” Kadota asks, one of his dark eyebrows quirking.

“Yeah, like a year and a half ago, at a different hospital.” Shinra’s calmed down a little, now that he’s an active part of the conversation and not an intruder. As for Kadota, he doesn’t look surprised to learn that I have a history of being admitted. But Dr. Shiki did say everyone here has pretty much come from a different hospital. I think this place is the last chance for a lot of people.

“Shinra, my man, pop a squat.” One of the two other nurses standing by the station calls to my roommate, who whips around like a puppy being called to play. He all but bounds to the nurses. I follow behind at a slower pace. And Kadota wanders over to his coworkers to murmur about something or another.

Other patients are slowly wandering out into the hall. The two who got their vitals done first are no where to be seen, but there are four new faces behind me that I refuse to turn and acknowledge. I’m too tired to make a good impression on anyone right now. Not that I necessarily strive for good impressions when I’m fully conscious, but I’m especially insufferable when I’m tired.

“Mr…Izaya, right?” The vitals nurse glances over his shoulder towards a white board at the back of the nurses station to double check. When I walk towards him I notice everyone’s names scrawled on the board according to room number. That’ll come in handy.

“Yeah.” I mumble at the nurse. He also has dreads, but they’re not as big as Kadota’s. I wonder if the other nurse helped him get his started.

“Pop a squat, Izaya. I’m Tom.” He grins, patting the back of the chair he has set up. Shinra has disappeared back to our room, so I keep my gaze blankly ahead to avoid accidental eye contact with anyone. Tom hums to himself while he takes my blood pressure, temperature, and pulse. “Pretty good, pretty good. You’ll probably get yanked for your physical during group later, just so you know.”

“Okay.” I sigh.

“You are all set. Looks like you’re on level one, so you’ll be staying on unit for breakfast today. Which means you can go get some more shut eye if you want.” Tom shoos me off, calling out to the next patient.

It’s as I’m zombie walking back to my room that I’m finally forced to make contact with another patient. Literally, as he emerges from his room at the same moment I’m walking past it. His shoulder clips mine hard enough to make me stumble into the wall. I send a glare over my shoulder. It’s nothing compared to the growl he levels at me.

“Watch where you’re fucking going.” He bites, all but baring his teeth at me. Between the sneer on his face and the way his bleached blond hair is sticking up in obvious bedhead fashion, he looks quite the sight.

“You should try removing your head from your ass before you start walking, it might make it easier for you to see past your own bullshit.” I snarl. It’s not my best ever comeback, but I’m still waking up. And anyway, it’s enough to rile him up.

“The fuck did you say-” He takes a step towards me before a hand lands on his shoulder. Kadota smiles pointedly at the pair of us.

“Shizuo, that’s no way to introduce yourself.” He sounds as jovial as before, but there’s a hard edge in his words that dares this kid- Shizuo- to argue with him. “Why don’t you head down to the nurses station for vitals.” He suggests in a way that’s not a suggestion.

Shizuo glares at me for another moment before jerking out of Kadota’s hold and storming down towards the line of other patients. I cross my arms over my chest, feeling my blood boil in my veins.

“He’s not a morning person. Sorry about that. But you shouldn’t try to provoke him like that either.” Kadota tells me seriously.

“Alright.” I mutter. It’s easier to just agree with him than to start shit this early in my stay. That never goes well. Kadota pats my shoulder and walks away to stir the rest of the patients who haven’t made their way out into the hall yet.

I slip back into my room to find Shinra just pulling on his shirt. “Hey! Was that Shizuo I heard yelling a second ago?”

“Yeah.” I scoff, collapsing back on my bed.

“I’d be careful with him if I were you. His bite is actually worse than his bark. He’s put a lot of people in the hospital through fights. And I don’t think he’s gonna like your particular habit of poking and prodding at people.” Shinra babbles. “It’s funny, I was actually at a facility with him before I was at that one with you! This place is like reunion central!”

“Fascinating.” I yawn. Shinra goes on babbling about his other stays and how they differ from this one. I only take about half of it in. More of my focus is on deciding if I should take my shower while everyone else is off at breakfast, or if I’d rather just go back to sleep.

I’m about to let sleep win the battle when Tom passes by our door with the same obnoxious shouting as earlier. His chant is different this time though. “Let’s get shakin’, eggs and bacon! Breakfast time!” He calls at Shinra, who pops up faster than a whip.

“See ya Izaya!” He shouts back at me, darting out of the room. I turn over to go back to sleep, but the itchy feeling of someone’s eyes on my back makes me squirm. Finally I twist back to glare at the doorway. And the looming blond standing in it.

“What?” I bark at him. Shizuo’s scowl deepens.

“Aren’t you going with them?” His head jerks in the direction Shinra disappeared in. I roll my eyes.

“Obviously not.” I can see the irritation on his face from just two words. Shinra was right about him not liking me.

“Great. I’m stuck on ward with a piece of shit.” He grunts. He’s gone before my exhausted brain can think of something scathing to say. Normally this would keep me awake, not being able to have the last word. But just this once, I roll over and close my eyes and go back to sleep. I’m just so freaking tired.

///

I sleep through breakfast, and even Shinra showering when he returns doesn’t wake me up. There’s no clock in the room, so I have to wander out to the nurses station to try to gauge where I’m at with the day.

“He lives!” Tom chuckles when he spots me. He’s with the other nurse, the one who isn’t Kadota, behind the counter. But Kadota himself is no where to be seen. The whole ward is like a ghost town, except for us three.

“The other patients went to gym about twenty minutes ago. They’ll be back by three for group, so you have plenty of time to shower if you want.” The other nurse tells me.

“Sure.” He nods, turning to the closet he’s standing beside. I see just enough to deduce it’s where they’re keeping our contraband before he’s returned with a square, plastic bucket.

“Shampoo, soap, towel, and washrag. Need anything else?” He asks, surrendering the bucket to me. I shake my head.

“You can go ahead and bring it back here when you’re done.”

I’m making my way back to my room, glancing idly into the other patient’s open doors, when I notice I’m not as alone as I thought. I can see Shizuo’s feet from the doorway as he lounges in bed. I almost think about standing in his doorway to stare at him, just to make him uncomfortable. But I’m pretty sure I look like an actual human mess right now. Maybe once I’ve showered.

Hospital showers are never my favorite thing, but this one is like a blessing when I feel as disgusting as I do. Last night feels like forever ago. Washing away the grime I’ve been pointedly ignoring in order to sleep is like peeling off an old layer of skin. I step out of the bathroom feeling like an entirely different person.

For better or for worse, it’s easy for me to slip my mask back into place now that I’m not so focused on how disgusting I am.

“Feeling better?” Tom asks me when I reappear at the nurses station.

“Much better.” I agree with an easy smirk. Tom takes my bucket to check that everything has been returned. He puts the shampoo and soap back into my cubby in the contraband locker and tosses the towel into the laundry bin with the others.

“You still have a good fifteen minutes until everyone else gets back. And you missed breakfast and lunch, so I can get you a snack if you want.”

“No thank you. Not hungry.” The idea of food actually turns my stomach a little. Tom eyes me doubtfully, but doesn’t ask me to reconsider.

“Alright then. You’re more than welcome to hang out in your room, or you can go out onto the patio. Chikage’s out there with Shizuo right now.” He explains, gesturing towards the door that’s been left open a crack.

It’s a tempting idea. One I almost take him up on. But it is still my first day. I’ve only been awake for a total of one hour on this ward. I should really slow my roll with the desire to start shit with another patient.

“I’ll just wait in my room.” I tell Tom, wandering away.

I don’t have to wait long. The other patients come back five minutes early from gym, and Shinra comes flying into our room. “Izaya! You’re finally awake!” He jumps onto the end of my bed, bouncing on his knees restlessly.

“How are you so hyper after coming back from working out.” I sigh at his antics, smirking when he pouts.

“I’ve been cooped up here for two months already! I’m so antsy!” He flops down dramatically, perking back up within a second. “It’ll be better with you here! You’re always so good at making excitement!” Now I frown.

“Shinra are you encouraging me to torment our fellow patients?” I drawl with a raised eyebrow. He pretends to look innocent.

“I’m just saying, some of them really deserve it. Come on, it’ll be fun! Just do what you always do!” He blinks big, puppy dog eyes at me.

But I think about Kyouko and Shirou, and the twins. About how this is my last chance. About how much it would suck to be stuck here for three months- at least- with people who outright despise me.

“Not this time Shinra.” I sigh, sliding off my bed. He whines behind me.

“Whaaat? Come on Izaya! I’m so bored! You gotta-” His pleas fade out as I leave the room, my fists clenched tight at my sides. I’m not really paying attention to where I’m going. The general direction of the nurses station is as much as I know. So I’m not all that surprised when I run into someone again, in almost the same exact circumstances.

Luckily this blond is a different one than my earlier encounter. “Hey man, you good?” He asks, steadying me with a hand on my arm. When I give him a jerky nod he lets go and steps back. “You were really moving.” He smiles.

“Yeah. Had a crazy roommate to evade.” I huff. The kid laughs, even though it’s not my best line ever.

“Shinra’s pretty weird, I’ll give you that. I’m Masaomi.” He holds out his hand. Reluctantly I allow the handshake, even though the physical contact makes my skin prickle uncomfortably.

“Izaya.”

“You came in the dead of night, right? That’s what I heard anyway. That’s why you were sleeping all morning?”

“Um yeah.”

“So what are you-”

“Masaomi, are you wearing my jacket again? I can’t find-” Another head pokes out of the doorway Masaomi came barreling out of just a minute ago. This one is all messy dark hair and wide dark eyes and an innocence that almost looks like fear on his face.

“Oh hey, this is my roommate Mikado! Mikado, this is Izaya. He’s the new guy.” Masaomi takes the liberty of introducing us. Luckily Mikado doesn’t reach for a handshake. He just smiles at me, the dark circles beneath his eyes deepening as he does.

“Hey there.”

“Hi.” I echo.

“What are you looking for? Your jacket?” Mikado nods at his roommate, face falling to something that’s almost sorrow. “It’s the ugly green one right? I thought it was in the bathroom.”

“I looked there!” Mikado whines, tugging at Masaomi’s arm like he wants to show him.

“Okay okay, I’ll help you look. See you in group Izaya!” I kind of nod, waiting until he’s pulled away by his roommate before I let the tension in my shoulders drop.

I need to get myself together. Being careless has never worked out well for me. At best it leads to awkward introductions. At worst…I cringe at the thought of ‘at worst’.

I need to get my head on straight and get the lay of the land around here. Before anyone can screw things up for me. Before anyone can see more of me than I want them to.

///

“As you may have noticed, we have a new face among us. We’re gonna go around and do introductions. You can say your name and, if you want, one interesting fact about yourself.” Kadota has his clipboard out and at the ready, but his pen is tucked into one of his dreads. I wonder if he ever forgets them in there. “Who wants to go first?”

“I’ll go!” Shinra’s hand shoots up immediately. I almost want to roll my eyes and remind him that I already know his name, and most of the “interesting facts” about him. But I keep that to myself. “I’m Shinra, and I got to dissect someone when I was only seven!” Ah yes, the dissection story. May it live in infamy.

“Thank you Shinra.” Kadota sighs. Clearly he’s heard the story a few times as well. Shinra grins. I almost wonder if I’m going to have to go next, since I’m sitting next to him. But he whips his head in the other direction to pin his gaze on the shy looking girl beside him.

“Oh, um, I’m Anri.” She all but whispers, fidgeting in her seat. “And um, I…uh…” She flounders for something until Kadota gives her a gentle smile.

“It’s okay Anri, you don’t have to come up with something, especially right on the spot.” He promises in a soothing voice. She flushes, ducking her head and pushing her glasses up nervously. “How about we come back to you?” He suggests. She nods, her face getting even redder. “Alright then, don’t worry about it. You have time.”

“I’ll go next!” Mikado exclaims from the other side of Anri. He glances at her, and smiles when he sees she’s stopped blushing so bad. “I’m Mikado. I’m the class president at my middle school.” He explains. Anri perks up a little.

“So was I.” She says, like it’s some great realization.

“There ya go, that’s a good fact Anri. Thank you Mikado.” Kadota encourages them. Anri and Mikado shyly avoid eye contact until the boy next to the brunet speaks up.

“I’m Masaomi! The coolest dude in the ward!” He brags, then laughs at himself. “Nah, we know that’s not true. But I did get first place in a kickboxing competition when I was thirteen! Which is pretty cool.” That can’t have been more than a year or two ago. He, Mikado, and Anri all look pretty young. Fourteen at the oldest, for the later two. They’re the youngest ones in the group by far.

A girl with a bandage wrapped around her neck is sitting beside Masaomi. The second she senses he’s given over the conversation, she peps right up.

“I’m Mika Harima! I can pick a lock in thirty seconds flat!” She brags, though most people look more uncomfortable with the knowledge than anything. Shinra leans over to mutter something about her being a stalker in my ear before the next person starts talking.

“My name is Ruri. I enjoy singing.” She’s very soft spoken, which when combined with her name makes me cringe. She’s a little too much like my quiet sister for me to bear looking at her for long.

A girl with long, dark hair sits after her. A girl who hasn’t stopped glaring at Mika since she sat down, I’ve noticed. “I’m Namie Yagiri.” She states bluntly, and goes back to glaring. She doesn’t offer an interesting fact. And with a sigh, Kadota passes on pestering her for one.

“Thank you Namie.” He says instead, then glances to the next girl.

She’s just as succinct, telling us in a monotone drawl that her name is Vorona. She does add that she was born in Russia, but it’s obviously far from interesting in her own opinion. She hardly spares any emotion to the fact.

Shizuo’s on her other side. And when she turns her gaze towards him, some of the icy coldness melts off her face. Could she really be interested in the surly beast? Poor girl.

“Shizuo Heiwajima.” He grunts. Kadota waits a few seconds and then smiles a little.

“No fact from you today, Shizuo?” He pries. The blond looks like he’d rather get his teeth pulled than voluntarily tell me anything interesting about himself. I find myself smirking, which only makes Shizuo look more pissed, if that was possible. “Alright, how about we move on.” Kadota quickly decides upon seeing the exchange.

“I’ll go, Dotachin!” The eager girl beside Shizuo reminds me a bit too much of Shinra. Another Shinra. Great. “I’m Erika! I like manga and cosplay, and I even won an award at last year’s convention for my Snow Miku cosplay!”

“It was super cool, you looked awesome.” The guy beside her immediately chimes in. “But I still say you coulda pulled off Racing Miku way better. The darker outfit woulda complimented you-”

“Walker, we’re not done with group yet.” Kadota gently interrupts the boy to his right. The guy looks surprised.

“Huh? Oh, yeah! I’m Walker! I also won an award for my cosplay of Armin Arlert. He’s from Attack on-”

“Walker. Group.” Kadota reminds him, and he laughs before turning to continue whispering with Erika. Kadota looks like he wants them to stop talking all together, but knows when to cut his losses. With a sigh he turns to his left to the last patient.

“Saburo. I like my van.” He states easily, clearly unaffected by this whole thing. I like his style, if nothing else.

But then that just leaves me. And everyone looks at me expectantly. I don’t allow any of my discomfort to show, just lean back in my seat a little more.

“My name’s Izaya.” I glance at Shizuo, who’s trying to pretend he doesn’t care about what I have to say. But I can read the way his shoulders are so tense. It drives a little sadistic pleasure through me to be able to disappoint him. “That’s all I’d like to say for now.” I tell Kadota, who nods in understanding. Shizuo scowls.

“Alright guys, thanks for being so cooperative. As you know, night shift is gonna be here after dinner, so before I head out I wanna talk to you about coping mechanisms.” There are a few groans from the other patients. Clearly they hear about this a lot. I’ve been lectured on coping mechanisms so many times I could probably give my own lesson on them.

Which makes it easy to tune Kadota out and take another glance around the room at my new peers. They’ve definitely got issues, but what kind of patient in a mental hospital wouldn’t?

The only question is, will those issues become issues for me? I think I need to collect more data before I’ll know for sure. Now I just need to figure out who to go to for it. I have quite the litter to pick from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow, so many introductions! but we all know whose was the most important ;);););););););)  
> Hope you liked it! drop a comment if you want, it'll make the long day of adult responsibilities ahead of me bearable! thanks, byeeeee!


	3. Night 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Info dumps, emotional slumps, and glasses wearing chumps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off- TRIGGER WARNING- there is a very brief scene of self harm in this chapter. For three paragraphs that occur about 2/3rds of the way through the chapter! but if you're sensitive to that, feel free to skip over those three paragraphs. you'll want to stop reading at the line 'Literally, most of the time.'   
> Please please please do not proceed if you even think that you could be triggered by any reference to self harm!  
> But i kept it as brief as possible, and i promise it does have to do with !plot!   
> i hope i don't hurt anyone's mentality! be safe!

Night 1

“What can you tell me about the other patients?” I demand of Shinra when we’re back in the room after group. He looks up from digging through his stuff to give me a rueful smirk.

“Planning something, are we?” He asks hopefully. If it’ll make him give me the information I need, I’ll let him think whatever he wants.

“Sure Shinra.” I pander to him, and he all but squeals excitedly, flying over to my bed.

“I don’t know a lot- I don’t even know the medical diagnosis for most of them. But you remember the girl with the bandage around her throat, Mika? I’ve heard she’s read everyone’s file. Guess she picked the lock to the nurses’ station or something. But I’m pretty sure she knows everything about everyone here.” Which would make her a good ally to have. I nod.

“What about outside of medical diagnosis? Tell me whatever you know, even if it doesn’t seem particularly interesting.” I urge. He stews on it for a moment before leaning in even closer to me. It makes me itch with the desire to pull away, but I force myself to be still.

“Okay, so the two younger kids, Mikado and Masaomi? They’re totally doing it behind the nurses back. And when Anri came to the ward about a month ago it made things kinda weird between the love birds. I think they both have a crush on her, but they’re totally not willing to break up. So they just get really jealous of each other, and of Anri, and then they get suspicious and it’s a big cycle.”

So that’s why Mikado looked so desperate for his roommate’s attention. I hum a little in consideration.

“And they’re not the only ones doing the diddly when they’re behind closed doors, if you know what I mean. This place is a freaking breeding cesspool sometimes. I’m surprised there haven’t been any happy accidents.”

“Go on.” I raise an eyebrow, bringing my leg up to my chest so I can lean my chin on my knee.

“Well for starters, Erika and Walker fuck like every day. Don’t know how they’ve gotten away with it for this long, but they have. And here’s where things get even weirder, they’re both totally fucking their roommates too. Erika rooms with Anri, and Walker rooms with Saburo and I swear it’s really weird having breakfast at the same table as them sometimes. It’s like a foursome of tension as they compare love bites and shit.”

I shudder, and Shinra cackles.

“That’s not even the best part. Bandages girl, Mika? She’s totally into Namie Yagiri’s brother, Seiji. Guess she caught sight of him while he was visiting his sis and she’s been obsessed. She’s a total stalker too, so Namie hates her. And Ruri is now dating Shizuo’s younger brother, Kasuka. So it’s all weird and confusing when he comes to visit and has to split his time between them.”

“What the fuck.” I state bluntly. Shinra nods with a devilish smirk.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m saying! On top of that, Vorona’s had a boner for Shizuo since she got here, and he’s the most oblivious fuck in the whole country so he doesn’t even compute it.”

“Is everyone here in love with and/or fucking another patient?” I sigh, rubbing my forehead.

“You and me are islands unto ourselves buddy.” He pats my shoulder, not even blinking when I jerk back. “You know that no desperate craziness is any match for my beloved!” He exclaims dramatically, throwing his arms wide like he wants to collect his lover from the air around us. Which is unlikely considering she doesn’t exist.

“So…those hallucinations are still kicking I see.” I drawl. Shinra shoots me a dirty look, but it’s easily overwhelmed by the adoration when his ‘love’ crosses his mind. I don’t now how many times I’ve told him that visual and auditory hallucinations do not count as a real girlfriend.

“She’s real, Izaya! Just because you don’t believe in anything supernatural doesn’t mean my perfect Dullahan isn’t real!” He insists.

“I’m sure the ancient Irish drunkards accused of stealing and butchering their neighbor’s pigs would agree with you.” I calmly wave my hand to brush the words off. It’s not so easy for him to brush off.

“Celty’s as real as you and me, Izaya!” He fumes.

“Celty? You mean the night nurse? Do you have a boner for the night nurse?” I scrunch my brows together in confusion. Shinra groans, low and long and in his throat.

“Why do I try to tell you anything?” He wanders aloud. I shrug.

“Because you crave chaos and know I can deliver.” I point out. He concedes easily enough, his shoulder slumping in defeat but his eyes alight with mischief.

“Speaking of which, what’s the plan?”

“No spoilers, I’m afraid.” Before he can whine, I poke his knee with my toe, drawing his attention back from the inevitable and annoying meltdown. “What else do you know? Outside of the messed up love life of this place.”

“Oh. Well, I know that Shizuo has uncontrollable aggression, I think probably stemming from some serious bipolar. He’s beat a bunch of dudes senseless when they try to fight him. And I even overheard that it’s his younger brother paying the bills for this place, ever since he scored an acting role in some TV show about vampires or robots or something.”

A famous brother. I didn’t expect that, honestly.

“And I heard that Vorona, the girl who’s got the boner for him, has supposedly been bouncing from hospital to hospital ever since she killed some dude who broke into her house when she was only six.”

“Is that just a rumor, or do you actually have proof?” If it’s true, I definitely know who number 2 on my Avoid-At-All-Cost list is.

“I actually heard it out of her own mouth. She talked about it like it was some boring childhood story about being forced on an awkward family outing. It was spooky. She’s definitely got issues.”

Sociopathic issues, from the sounds of it.

“She and Shizuo are definitely the most dangerous ones here, but don’t underestimate the others. I’m pretty sure each and every one of them could kill either of us. Erika and Walker freaking tortured a kid at their high school with a soldering iron. And Mika? She cut a dude across the face because when he found out she was stalking him he called her a crazy bitch. Then she cut her own throat because she was so upset!”

“Avoid the term ‘crazy bitch’. Got it.”

“I wouldn’t test Namie either. The girl’s a freaking ice queen. She’s slapped a bunch of people here, and it always leaves a lingering red mark for the day.” He shudders dramatically, like the other things he’s been listing haven’t been way worse than a good slap across the face.

“You know, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel as crazy.” I murmur, and Shinra cackles again.

“That’s not saying much. You’re still fucking twacked Izaya.” He assures me. “Alright so, when you go to talk to Mika, you can’t-”

“Winner winner, chicken dinner! Time to get your grub on!” Tom shouts, startling the both of us. Shinra chuckles at his own jumpiness, springing up to join the dinner line.

“So you’ll probably have to wait until tomorrow to be able to talk to her. But I’m sure you can survive through the night without every scrap of information on your surroundings. If you really, really try anyway.” His little knowing smirk is very encouraging. I roll my eyes. “Later!” He skips away with a little wave.

I flop back against the bed- which is decidedly less comfortable now that I’m not dragged down with overwhelming exhaustion. In a brief moment of weakness I find myself wondering if Mairu and Kururi’s beds are more comfortable than mine.

With a scowl I push up off the mattress, storming towards the door. And very nearly collide with Shizuo- yet again- as he passes in front of my room.

“Fuck! Put a bell on your collar, you animal!” I snarl instinctively before I can think better of it. Goading one of the most dangerous people on this ward is something I would have done on purpose only a few days ago. But I wanted this time to be different. No, I need this time to be different.

Unfortunately, old habits die hard. And if looks could kill, I would be dying hard too.

“Listen you shitty insect, I-”

“Okay fellas, let’s not start something you’ll regret.” The nurse who gave me my shower stuff earlier- Chikage, I think- materializes at our sides to try to get some air between us.

It almost doesn’t work. I can see the desire to rip me limb from limb vibrating through Shizuo’s very atoms. But he stands down begrudgingly, settling for glaring into my soul instead.

“Sorry.” I mutter, almost bitterly enough to make it sound like a curse. Based on Shizuo’s growl, that’s how he hears it come out. “He just startled me.” I explain to Chikage instead, already knowing Shizuo’s not going to buy it- even though it’s the truth.

Chikage pats my shoulder, completely ignoring the blond at his other side. He doesn’t try to encourage Shizuo to accept my apology, or to give one of his own. Which probably means I’m right, and Shizuo isn’t in the habit of forgiveness.

“Tom will be bringing your guys’ plates over, why don’t we head to the day room?” The nurse suggests instead of pursuing the subject any further. He shepherds the two of us down the hall, back to the room we just left ten minutes ago.

There’s a table next to a wide, heavily tinted window that I can just barely see through. It looks out on the courtyard for a different ward, but right now it’s empty. I sit as close to the window as I can anyway. Shizuo sits as far away as he possibly can. Which works perfectly well for me.

“Finally eating something, Izaya?” I glance at Tom when he appears with two trays a few minutes later. “You didn’t have breakfast or lunch.” He points out, like I wasn’t aware of it. My stomach has been aching all afternoon for something to eat, but the thought of food is also pretty disgusting right now. I’m not sure how forcing myself to get through dinner is going to go, but I guess I have to try.

“It’s been a weird day.” I say for the nurses’ benefit. He smiles kind of sympathetically, taking the lid off my tray and then Shizuo’s.

It’s not bad, by hospital food standards. At least I can actually tell what it is. Turkey, potatoes, and steamed veggies. Not bad at all. My stomach revolts at the smell of it though.

So much for trying. I can already tell nothing good will come if I make myself eat this. Vomiting in the rec room isn’t a good ‘day one’.

Tom leaves us under Chikage’s watchful eye, and also leaves the day room in silence. I can hear Shizuo start to dig in- though he doesn’t eat nearly as obnoxiously as I imagined he would. There’s just the occasional scrape of a plastic spork against the plate, or the rustle of fabric as he shifts in his seat.

It all feels loud though. Maybe that’s just because I’m very aware of how little noise I’m making.

“What’s the matter with you?” Shizuo’s blunt question draws my gaze from my cooling plate to the frustrated crease between his brow. “Aren’t you gonna eat?” He jerks his head towards my plate with a scowl.

“I don’t think I can.” I mumble, bitterness heavy in the words.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Language, Shizuo.” Chikage drawls with resignation that speaks of how often they have to admonish the blond. Shizuo ignores him.

“It’s just food, eat it.” He snaps at me.

There’s so many things I could say. Insults, and pitiful tales of woe that would make him seem like a real dick for trying to pressure me into eating. Any other time, I would do it. There’s something about Shizuo that makes me want to do it anyway, even if I made a promise to myself.

Instead I stand up and walk away from the table, throwing Chikage a halfhearted excuse about using the bathroom before I go. I can feel Shizuo’s glare burning into my back until I escape out the door.

I need some kind of release. A lot of things are building up right now. Thoughts I don’t want to be having. Habits I can’t let myself fall back on. Fuck, so many disgusting emotions. It’s all building like a physical weight pressing on my lungs.

I hate how fast things get to this tipping point. It seems like it only takes a few minutes, and suddenly I’m walking on a knife’s edge.

Literally, most of the time. But I don’t have a knife here. All I have is the repetitive drag of my own nails against my hip bone. The gradual wear of skin until all that’s left is a raw, weeping gash and specks of blood under my nails.

It’s like getting a skinned knee. It hurts in a superficial, but intense kind of way, and I know from experience it’ll hurt for at least a few weeks too. Anytime I brush my hip against something, or even when my jeans rub against it. It’ll throb and remind me that it’s there.

The pain is a welcome distraction. It’s nice to stare at the carved out wound on my own body and only think about how much the air stings against it. It feels like I’m at home again. Not struggling through the very first fucking day in this lockup.

Slowly but surely it gets easier to breathe. The pain- as superficial as it may be- focuses me. It’s always been like this. I sigh, tipping my head back against the bathroom door behind me. Just in time for the knock that comes through from the other side.

“Izaya? I’m not sure if you knew this or not, buddy, but you’re not allowed to close doors while you’re on level one.” I yank my jeans up, slamming my heel into the toilet handle at the same time so a loud flush fills the room. Kadota gives me an eagle eye once over when I open the door.

“Sorry, I didn’t know.” I lie. The rules stay pretty uniform from hospital to hospital- with some minor variations of course. But it’s been the same every time for this at least- no closed doors when you’re on level one.

Kadota looks like he knows it too, from the little dip at the corner of his mouth. But he looks me over again, checks for any obvious signs of wounds or blood, and finds none. With my hands tucked in my pockets, and my hip hidden under two layers of clothing, there’s nothing for him to see.

“Alright, just keep it in mind from now on. No closing doors.” He drawls after a minute. I give him an innocent smile and nod. “Are you gonna finish dinner?” Like I even started dinner.

“I’m actually…not feeling great. Upset stomach.” Which is the honest truth. It’s upset that it’s empty, and it’s upset at the very idea of eating. There’s just no winning. I wish I could say I’m not used to it.

“Do you need anything for it?” Kadota asks, a worried crease appearing between his brows.

“Nope! It’ll go away. Always does.” I promise. He doesn’t believe me- it’s kinda his job not to. But he lets it slide anyway. I wonder if he’s just taking it easy on me because it’s my first day, or if he’s just a genuine nice-guy kind of nurse. If it’s the latter, it’s gonna be hard not taking advantage of it.

I really need to work on my self control.

“Don’t be afraid to tell us if you need something, my man. That’s what we’re here for after all. To help you.” He gives me an encouraging smile. The one I give back is watery at best. But all Kadota does is check over me one more time and leave me alone.

It’s a relief to be able to fall back into bed. It’s a relief to have escaped dinner for today. It’s a relief to press my thumb into my hip and have the rush of pain spread through my system. A sigh eases from my chest, which opens up more and more with each wave of hurt that washes out from the press of my thumb in the new wound.

Finally I take in a breath and it doesn’t catch at all. And I can let my hand fall to my side to give a little relief to the protesting gash on my hip. It’s nice, this moment. When my body gives in, and forces my mind to do the same.

It’s really nice.

///

Visiting hours are pretty late at this hospital. Shinra is back from dinner for a good hour before Simon appears in our doorway to summon my roommate.

I didn’t even notice the changing of the guard. I was too busy ignoring Shinra. But I wave at Simon when he gives me a friendly little nod, trying not to look as surprised as I feel.

After my roommate bounds out to line up with the others who have visitors, I stand in the doorway to watch the procession. Celty is still at the nurses’ station, but Simon and Egor are rounding everyone up at the end of the long hallway as they check the list for any stragglers.

Namie, Shizuo, and Shinra are at the front of the line- Shinra babbling on to a bored looking Namie. Shizuo stands between them looking like he wants to actually murder the bespectacled boy at his side. Behind them Mika, Anri, Mikado, Erika, and Ruri are chattering pleasantly together. Walker, Masaomi, Saburo, and Vorona are nowhere to be seen though.

Simon and Egor are winding up the head count when Namie glances up and meets my eyes. From her behavior during group, and Shinra’s short biography on her, I already sorted Namie out into the Avoid List. But when she spots me, she doesn’t immediately glare or flip me off. She nods, and I nod back, and an easy moment of recognition is shared between us.

She’s also surrounded by idiots. An ally.

I’ll have to follow up on this development tomorrow. Probably after I talk with Mika, if I’m even able to get close to the bandaged girl.

“No visitors tonight?” I glance over my shoulder, where Masaomi has sidled silently up against the wall next to my door.

“Not tonight.” I agree. Not any night. My family isn’t the visiting type.

“Well hey, I was gonna watch TV in the day room. You can hang with me, if you want.” He invites, pushing off the wall so theatrically it puts my inner drama queen to shame.

“Why not.” I shrug, straightening up as well. He starts chattering immediately as we walk towards the line of waiting patients. I don’t take any of it in, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He just keeps talking, waving at the line as we pass.

Most of them wave back. The only ones who don’t are Shizuo, Namie, and Mikado. I expected as much from Shizuo- who’s too busy scowling at me to notice- and Namie- who’s too disinterested to care. But the one my eyes linger on is Mikado.

There’s no disinterest or detestation on his face. He’s just staring, his features blank and intent. It’s kinda disturbing, given how animated he looked not a few seconds ago as he talked with Anri and his other “friends”. Now he’s staring right at me, tracking each step I take past the group towards the day room.

Shinra told me him and Masaomi had a weird thing going on. And that they like to get caught in a cycle of jealousy. I do not want to get caught up in that.

I’ll have to watch where I tread from now on- especially when it comes to Mikado and Masaomi.

That’s one shit show I definitely do not need an up close seat to.

///

“So how was your first day?” I peek an eye open at Shinra. He’s laying on his side, staring at me so wide I can see it even though our lights are already off.

“Super. I’m thrilled to be here.” I huff, closing my eyes in a mockery of sleep. Shinra chuckles, like I’m the wittiest person he knows.

“Well I’m glad you’re here.” He murmurs into the dark of our room. I don’t reply, and after a while I hear him turn over to actually sleep. It kills me how fast he’s able to drop off. Sleep is always a hard fought battle for me.

But I think everything is a hard fought battle in this place.

Honestly, I don’t know how willing I am to fight right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've made it through the first day! now to survive the other 89! Yaaay!


	4. Day 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The concept of therapy is easy enough to grasp. The practice of it on the other hand...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There shouldn't be anything triggering in this chapter, but i guess if i'm wrong you'll let me know! But seriously, it's mostly therapy and info dumping, with a smidgen of tension thrown in for funsies.   
> Hope you enjoy!

Day 2

“Wakey, wakey boys and girls! Wakey, wakey!” Tom’s shouting jerks me from what feels like only a few minutes of sleep. I can’t even remember what time it was when my mind eventually surrendered, but I know it took a long time. It always does.

“Nooooo…” Shinra whines. I want to snap at him that at least he got a full eight hours of sleep last night. He could drop off in a salt mine. It takes three shots of tequila and a sacrifice to Satan for me to fall asleep most of the time.

I force myself out of bed, stumbling past my roommate as he’s still trying to sit up. And this time when I leave my room, there’s no one else in line for vitals.

“Hey hey, how’s it hanging Izaya?” Tom greets, patting the chair in invitation when I wander up to him. I kind of mumble something back to him, which makes him chuckle.

Saburo is the second one out of his room, and he looks even more like a zombie than I feel. I guess it makes sense. People who end up in places like this usually have some kind of mental illness; most of which make sleeping and waking up at regular times difficult.

By the time Tom’s finished with my vitals, Anri, Shinra, Vorona, and Mikado have all wandered out, and they all look appropriately exhausted. I try not to meet any of their eyes while I meander back towards my room.

Today I give Shizuo’s door a wide berth as I pass it, but from the looks of it the blond hasn’t even gotten out of bed yet. Which is exactly where I plan to return.

I kind of fade in and out of consciousness for the rest of the time it takes vitals to be completed. Only to be jerked awake once again when Tom does his cycle to rouse the troops for breakfast.

“See ya Izaya…” Shinra yawns with a sleepy wave. I’m staring blankly at the place he disappeared when Shizuo once again comes to stand in my doorway.

I don’t know why he does this. Is this his way of trying to wipe the slate clean? Or is it an intimidation tactic of some kind? Either way, it’s fucking creepy. I almost want to tell him that. Instead I stare at his stomach, feeling the itch of his eyes on my face as the silence brews.

“You should eat something this morning.” He finally growls. My stomach growls along with him- like the reminder of food is causing a riot in the streets of my body. I cringe.

“Yeah.” I mumble, sluggishly getting back to my feet. Shizuo doesn’t budge from my doorway, not even when I’m half a foot in front of him, very obvious about my intentions to leave. “I really hope you meant I should eat food, and not a dick. Cuz otherwise this is gonna get awkward.” I sigh.

Shizuo’s face twists into disgust and he immediately jerks back, like the words are poison darts shooting off my tongue. I don’t even waste time gloating at that. I step around him and towards the day room, plopping down in the same seat as yesterday. It takes roughly five minutes for Kadota to appear with breakfast, and another minute after that for Shizuo to finally wander in.

“How’s your stomach today, Izaya?” Kadota asks as he uncovers our food. I wait for the first wave of smells to hit me before I say anything.

“Alright.” It’s better than yesterday, anyway. The nurse smiles happily at me, patting my shoulder.

“Hey, if you get bumped up to level two after your session with the doc today, you can start going to the cafeteria with the others at lunch.” He tells me, like it’s some kind of great goal to reach. “You too Shizuo- try to keep your cool long enough to go off ward again.”

“Yeah yeah.” The blond grunts, already poking around his breakfast scramble.

Kadota sits back to work on something or another on his clipboard while we eat. Shizuo gets done much faster than I do- all but scraping the plate when I’ve barely cleared half of mine. But he doesn’t get up and leave. He leans back in his seat and pretends to look perfectly content there.

I say ‘pretends’ because he’s just about the most conspicuous person I’ve ever met. The little looks he keeps sending me as I slowly make my way through my plate are as obvious as getting hit by a truck. And his frown when I set my spork down on top of my unfinished hashbrowns is as far from discreet as you could get.

“Done?” Kadota asks when I stand.

“Yes.”

“No.” I cut a glare at Shizuo, who’s already glowering at me when I meet his eyes. “He’s not.” Shizuo points to my plate. Kadota cranes his neck to see how much I’ve left uneaten.

“I’m done.” I reiterate, not even trying to pretend that I’m talking to Kadota. I level each word at the surly blond. “When and what I eat is none of your business.” I add before I can think better of it. I’m just…sleep deprived and irritated and not in the mood for his shit right now.

But he’s apparently not in the mood for mine either. “Like I give a fuck. But who the hell are you to waste food that someone made for you? Are you ungrateful, or just an asshole?”

“Okay, enough.” Kadota barks. “Izaya, thank you for eating this morning. I know it’s hard to eat after going an entire day without any food. I’m glad you got through what you did.” His encouragement is genuine, but it still feels patronizing. So much so that I can barely bring myself to nod.

“Can I go?” I ask through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, go ahead.” He sighs. “Not you Shizuo, I think we need to have another talk.”

Shizuo starts to protest, but I don’t hear any of it. I’m already out the door and pacing back to my room.

The bucket with my shower stuff has been left out by my door, and I grab it without a second thought. Anything for a little privacy. And while I might not be able to close the bathroom door while I’m stuck at level one, I can still hide behind the shower curtain.

Which is exactly what I do. For so long that my fingers start to get pruney. And the skin around the gash on my hip gets wrinkled. But then again, that could also be from how hard I’m pressing into the wound.

It hurts- a lot. And yet, not enough. Because no matter how hard I press, that stupid monster is still fresh in my mind.

What is it about Shizuo that makes it so damn hard to put him out of my head? I hate him. I hate him! But that’s not an issue, because I’m pretty sure he hates me too.

At least we can relate on that.

///

“How was your first day?” Dr. Shiki doesn’t look at me as he asks. He keeps reading through the notes that I’m guessing have been compiled by the nurses. I desperately want to know what they’ve written. Maybe if I get to talk to Mika later, I’ll ask her to sneak my records for me. That definitely won’t fuck me over.

“You tell me.” I murmur, eyeing the pages he’s scanning. His cold eyes flick up to me as he shuts my file.

“It seems you’ve managed to create quite the rivalry with Shizuo.” He states, tapping idly on my file. I press my nails into my palms, forcing myself to keep his gaze. “You’re not the first though.” Dr. Shiki adds after a moment of letting me stew. “And you’re doing well with the others so far. I understand you’d met your roommate previously?”

“A few years ago, at another hospital.” As I suspected, this news doesn’t shock him. I wonder if there’s anything that would shock Dr. Shiki.

“You also seem to get along well enough with Masaomi.”

“If by ‘getting along’ you mean that we watched TV in the same room because neither of us had a visitor, sure.” I dismiss with a small eye roll.

Dr. Shiki is far from impressed with my cold shoulder. “Forgive me for being blunt, but you have quite the reputation, Izaya. Usually by now you’ve drawn clear lines in the sand, and you’re sitting back to watch those lines get crossed. The chaos of the contention is where you thrive, right?” I cringe, sinking a little in my chair. “But since your admittance you’ve shown remarkable self control. Would you like to talk about why that is?”

No, I don’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing I’d like to talk about less. And if this were any other hospital stay, I would do anything I could to avoid it.

But it’s not just any other hospital stay. “This is my last chance, Dr. Shiki. I’m sure you hear that a lot. And I’m sure you know what it means.” I tell him gravely. He studies me silently for a long, incredibly awkward moment.

“I do. And I admit, I’m pleasantly surprised that you seem to know it too.”

A laugh, dry and humorless, rasps from my throat. “I’ve always known. Anytime you wind up shuffled off to a mental hospital, it’s a serious matter. I never doubted that.” One dark eyebrow lifts on his ever stoic face.

“So why did you act out at the other hospitals?” He challenges.

I squirm uncomfortably. It doesn’t come naturally, this opening up thing. I’ve never even tried to do it before. And he must know it too, because he doesn’t try to rush me. He watches me intently, but doesn’t speak. He allows me all the time I need to try to come to terms with this.

Finally, the restlessness wins out in my inner battle, shoving my stubbornness to the side with brute force. “At first I wanted to punish them. My parents.”

Dr. Shiki hums thoughtfully, though once again he looks far from surprised. Everyone and their mom probably has issues with their parents in this place. “What were you punishing them for? Admitting you?”

“No.” I bite, my entire body tense and ready to snap. “I…was angry. With them, and myself. But especially because…fuck, they don’t care. The first time I tried to kill myself, they treated it like…”

“Like they were ashamed of you?” He suggests. I shake my head.

“Like it was just another day in the life of Izaya Orihara. They didn’t even stop to think about it. It was just something that happened. Something they could sweep away if they paid the money to get me ‘fixed’.” Spitting it out feels surprisingly good. Like a thorn being pulled from deep in my skin. But the ache of the wound still remains- as real and raw as the gash at my hip.

I shift so the damaged skin presses against the arm of my chair. And fuck, it feels like pure relief. I sigh deeply, feeling my shoulder drop a good two inches. None of it is lost on Dr. Shiki’s sharp eyes.

“Has it been like that every time with them?” He asks, but his gaze lingers on where my hip is pushed into the chair.

“Pretty much. Except… this time was different. This time, they were angry.”

“Because of your sisters?”

I don’t give him a reply this time. Which in a way is just as much of an answer. He nods knowingly, like I’ve told him everything he needs. It’s irritating.

“And so this time, you’re breaking your pattern. But I guess I don’t understand why their anger would make such a difference to you.” His brow dips a little in honest confusion.

“It’s not for their benefit.” I bite defensively. Shiki raises a surprised eyebrow for a moment before it settles, and he’s back to his bland mask.

“I see.” He hums. He glances at the clock on his desk and frowns. “We’re out of time for today. Because of your interactions thus far, I’m going to put you on level two. You now have cafeteria and privacy privileges, but the gym and art room won’t be available to you just yet. I hope you continue on to level three soon.”

He signs another paper, filling in a few lines of notes before he shuffles it into my file. Again I feel myself itching to know what’s being said about me. It’s going to drive me insane. Well, more insane.

“Needless to say, I can always move you back down to level one. The nurses also have that power, if it becomes necessary. Please do not take advantage of your new freedoms to do something you’ll regret.”

“Of course, Dr. Shiki.” I agree mechanically. He eyes me sharply, but nods to dismiss me.

“I’ll see you in a couple days, Izaya.” I don’t really acknowledge this, slipping out of his office before he can bitch at me for it. And nearly run into Namie while I’m at it. I have to stop meeting people this way.

“Funny, that’s pretty much how everyone leaves their sessions with him.” She jerks her head towards Shiki’s office, crossing her arms over her chest.

“He’s kind of…” I fish for the right word.

“An asshole?” She suggests.

“I was gonna go for unsettling.” Because honestly, he’s way less of an asshole than every other shrink I’ve seen. And there have been many. Namie smirks. “Are you up next?”

“Sadly yes.” She drawls.

“Good luck.” I tease, and she actually smirks more. Namie walks around me, knocking on the door as I start to pace away. But I definitely think I was right to mark her as a potential ally. And once I have the lay of the land all mapped out, I’m definitely going to try for it.

But first, I need the rest of the information I’m lacking. And I know just who I need to go to for it.

///

Mika is sitting alone out on the patio when I find her, like she knew I was going to be seeking her out. Based on the bored glance she gives me when I slide onto the picnic bench across from her, she probably did know. Hell, Shinra probably told her before she could even ask.

“What do you want?” She demands bluntly, barely sparing me a moment of interest as she flicks through a magazine.

“Have you read my file?” I demand. She nods. “Then you know what I want.”

“You want all the information I have.” Mika drawls, apparently unconcerned by this request. I wonder if everyone tries to get her to talk. I wonder if she ever does.

“Yes.” I admit.

She sighs heavily, ruffling the pages of her magazine. “Are you gonna turn the ward into a war zone?” Based on her tone, I can’t be sure if she would be opposed to that or not. But I’m not in the mood to guess which.

“No.” She obviously doesn’t believe me. And since she’s read my file, I’m not surprised. I sigh. “Look, I can’t fuck this up this time. I can’t do what I normally do, and I can’t get involved in anything already going on. Which means I need to know the lay of the land, and what people to avoid. Do you understand?”

Mika finally looks up from her apparently fascinating magazine to properly asses me. And whatever she sees must be enough for her to give me a little credit. Even if it’s just the smallest amount possible. “Fine. Say I believe you. Say I tell you what you want to know, and you use it to your benefit to get better, or whatever. But what if you’re lying, and it comes back to bite me in the ass?”

“What do you want for insurance?” I ask immediately. She considers it, I can see her mind racing with the possibilities. But then she shrugs.

“There’s only one thing I really care about, and that’s my darling Seiji. So if you’re planning anything that would fuck with me or my beloved, I would reconsider it. Because if you do it, I’ll make sure you regret it.” Her eyes gleam dangerously, showing just a bit of how unhinged she really is.

“Alright.” I agree. She grins, innocent and peaceful.

“I’m glad we understand each other. So, what do you want to know?” She asks eagerly, leaning forward so we’re closer together. I dart a glance down at her neck as she does. Shinra said she cut her own throat- after slashing a boys face open. I don’t doubt that she would be capable of it. And probably more too.

“Do you know the diagnoses of the other patients?” I start, feeling like it’s a relatively safe place to test the waters. After all, what can I really do with that information? She seems to have the same thought.

“You could get that kind of info yourself you know.” She purrs, but not in rejection. “Your roommate is nutter butters. The dude’s obsessed with a hallucination of a hot, headless woman.”

“A Dullahan.” I correct. She obviously doesn’t care.

“Whatever. I guess he got exposed to some really bad, experimental drugs when he was a kid. His crazy, scientist dad did it or something, cuz his company couldn’t get funding for human trials.”

I actually didn’t know that about Shinra. As much as he likes to talk- mostly about the fictional headless rider he’s into- he doesn’t say anything about his past. Never has. But I shouldn’t be surprised that he comes from a family of crazies.

“That would explain the hallucinations.” I mumble.

“Yeah no kidding. He was basically an addict at age ten. By the time the state took him away from dear old dad, he was fucked up seven ways to Sunday. His official diagnosis is psychosis brought on by drug use.” I nod slowly, frowning. “Overall he’s pretty harmless though. More of a danger to himself than anyone else.” She dismisses.

“Good to know.”

“Saburo is also pretty tame. Bipolar disorder that makes him unreasonable when it hits. He’s very protective of his things, some kind of dependency issue I think. He even has special permission to keep his van in the parking lot here, cuz he doesn’t want to be far away from it at any time.”

“How did he end up here then? I thought this place was for like last chances and all that.”

“It is. He’s run a few people off the road throughout the years, if they so much as accidentally ding his precious van.” She chuckles here, like it’s entertaining. Like this is all some good TV drama.

“So when he said he likes his van-”

“It was an understatement.” She agrees with a sagely nod. “Anyway, then there’s Namie. She’s not too much of a threat. Other than being a bitch, she’s mostly here because her rich uncle is tired of paying people off when she fucks with them. She likes to- ahem- play doctor with people. And not in a good way. She’s a grade A sadist.” Mika smirks devilishly, obviously finding this especially amusing.

“Like torture?”

“Not really. She likes to drug people and embarrass them. She left one doped up guy in the courtyard of their school with his pants down and a thermometer up his ass.” An actual cackle leaves the girl across from me. “And all that just because he said she’s a little too interested in her brother. Which is true.”

“The brother you’re in love with?” I ask, before remembering that was something Shinra told me and not her. Nervousness creeps into me for only a few seconds before a dreamy giggle floats from Mika.

“Yeah, Seiji.” She sighs happily. “Thanks for calling it love, by the way. Most people here call me a stalker.”

I know better. “No problem.” I offer feebly.

“So where was I…Masaomi is really low on the list too, maybe the most normal one here actually. He’s got chronic depression, and issues with self injury. That’s why he’s always in that dumb hoodie. He’s a ward of the state, and after his second hospitalization they decided to go big and send him here.”

“They probably hope that sending him here will prevent any future hospitalizations.” I point out.

“Undoubtedly.” She agrees. “I kinda feel bad for him. He’s pretty on the level, and they roomed him with a freak like Mikado.” She shudders dramatically. Honestly I’m not surprised she says he’s a freak. His odd look last night still leaves me feeling unsettled when I remember it.

“What’s Mikado’s deal?”

“Multiple personality disorder. Some real nasty ones.” Nasty enough to even take the amusement from her tone, if not from her face.

“Is he dangerous?”

“Very.” Good to know. “He may look sweet, but he’s a nightmare. And he’s not the only one. There’s the twin terrors too. Erika and Walker.”

“Right, Shinra told me they tortured some kid with a soldering iron?”

“More than once. They’ve been neighbors and best friends since they were little I guess, and I think their craziness fed into each other. Having a partner in crime makes it a lot easier to get used to doing some pretty fucked up stuff.” She shudders, glancing around like she’s afraid they’ll pop up from nowhere. “But, as long as you don’t get on their bad side, and don’t threaten anyone they care about, they’re easy going.”

“Noted.”

“Let’s see…Ruri has serious PTSD and MPD too, but she’s only got one other personality. I think it goes by Hollywood, and it’s only aggressive towards certain types of people- which is probably due to the PTSD.”

“Has she been aggressive towards anyone here?”

“No, not really. She keeps to herself a lot, she’s really quiet and calm. But I wouldn’t push her.” I didn’t have any plans to. “Not just because of her MPD. Shizuo would kill you. She’s dating his younger brother, he’s super protective of her. Of both of them.”

The famous, younger brother. It’s weird to imagine Shizuo with a sibling, let alone one he’s fiercely protective of. Maybe that’s just because my own relationship with my siblings is…strained.

“Is that even allowed? A patient dating the sibling of another patient?” It seems like something that would be off limits. But Mika is probably the wrong person to talk about it with, given her fascination with Seiji.

“I dunno the legality of it. I’m not sure anyone involved really cares.” She shrugs it off as quickly as I expected her to. “Since we’re on the subject though, what’s the deal with you and Shizuo? The nurses keep mentioning it.”

“No deal. Just good old fashioned hate at first sight.” I wave the question away with all the disinterest I can pour into the motion. Mika doesn’t buy it for a second, but only hums and moves on.

“Well, he’s not the best dude to hate at first sight. He’s got serious rage issues. Ultra violence.”

“So I’ve heard.” I grimace.

“Just don’t get left alone with him, is what I suggest.”

“Believe me, I’m trying.” I sigh. “What about Anri and Vorona?”

“Ah! Saved them for last! Anri is another of those, ‘looks like a cinnamon roll but will kill you’ types. She’s also got a fuck ton of PTSD, but her real issue is the schizophrenia. The doc wrote that it’s the result of child abuse, so I guess it must’ve been pretty bad. And she has this habit of scratching at her skin to, and I quote, ‘Get the sword out from inside her’.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.” Mika nods with a little sad frown at the corner of her mouth. My hip throbs as if to tell me I’m not much better. I bite down hard on my tongue. “So, best to avoid upsetting her. She’ll fly off the handle really easily, especially if she gets triggered by anything. That’s one of the reasons they roomed her with Erika, she’s just as messed up.”

“I’m almost afraid to hear about Vorona then.” Mika cackles again.

“And afraid you should be! Did Shinra tell you about her?”

“He said she killed a dude who broke into her house when she was a kid. Sociopathic tendencies, right?”

“Very sociopathic. All the red flags. She’s super possessive, super controlling. Very violent when she needs to be. And she has the uncanny ability to see humans as objects. Like chess pieces.”

Throughout this whole talk, Mika’s kept a certain air about herself. Like as horrible as the things she’s describing are, she still finds them a little funny. But she’s not laughing now. She looks deadly serious, and if I had to guess, scared.

“Don’t get on her bad side, okay?” She all but orders me.

And really, she does not need to tell me twice. “Okay.”

I have no plans to get on anyone’s bad side this time around. Well, any more than I already have. Shizuo was an accident- one of the worst I could make- but I’ll survive. And I’m planning on avoiding any other trouble.

But, if I know anything, it’s that best laid plans always have the potential to go south. Always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favorite chapters to write, just because i was so very excited to come up with everyone's issues! I hope everything seemed on the level, i put a lot of thought into everything! let me know what you think! and also, if you love Shiki as much as i do, because i looooove that man!


	5. Night 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is it with blond monsters and their weird obsession with making Izaya's life miserable?

Night 2

I managed to skip group before dinner, though it’s through no fault of my own. I got pulled for my physical exam before I could get corralled into the day room. Although, being prodded and poked and forced to strip down to underwear was not much better than going to group would have been. My hip throbbed so hard during the entire thing, it felt damn near like a brand.

But I got lucky, and the nurse didn’t make me strip fully. I had to force myself not to look relieved when I was finally allowed to redress. I saved that for when I was dismissed back to the ward.

Skipping group and getting away with self injury in one day. Not bad. Maybe my luck is finally starting to turn.

But the second I line up for dinner and feel the threatening presence of someone behind me, that idealistic thought leaves my mind.

“Hey Shizu-chan! You back on level two?” Shinra asks chipperly when he notices the dark shadow looming behind me.

“Don’t call me that.” Shizuo grunts at my roommate, who giggles innocently.

“Why didn’t you go to lunch with us, if you’re back on level two?” Shinra pries, leaning into my personal space to perch his head on my right shoulder and speak to Shizuo more directly. I cringe away from him, but I’m already leaning my left shoulder to the wall, and no way am I going to fall back closer to Shizuo. Which basically leaves me tense and uncomfortable and unable to do much about it.

“None of your business.” The blond behind me mutters.

“Did you have lunch with your brother again?” Shinra really can’t read a room. Like at all.

“Shut up.” Shizuo snaps, shoving at Shinra’s forehead so he has to take a few steps back. I sigh in relief as I get my little bubble back to myself.

Or at least I thought I did. Shizuo stepped in closer when he went to push Shinra away, and he’s yet to step back again. I can feel how close he is to me. It’s making me more tense than having Shinra physically hanging on me.

“Shizuo, it is good to see you are back with us.” The Russian accent really throws me. As tense as I already am, it’s almost a miracle I keep myself from jumping. I glance behind me, catching sight of long blonde hair and cold lavender eyes.

“Oh hey Vorona.” Shizuo mumbles, turning towards the sociopath and putting space between us finally. I let my head dip to lay against the wall, feeling a hundred times better already.

“You should not let yourself get so angry. If you keep fighting, they will keep putting you back to level one. It cannot be good, sitting on ward all the time.” She admonishes. There’s nothing playful in her tone, but Shizuo still chuckles.

“I never exactly plan to fight someone. Just happens.” He insists. I huff softly to myself, a noise that could almost be a dry laugh if it had more force behind it.

It’s still loud enough to draw their attention, unfortunately. “You are Izaya, correct?” I glance back over my shoulder, finding myself the focus of two gazes I very much want to avoid.

“Yeah. And you’re Vorona?”

“Affirmative.” She nods once, short and succinct. “May I ask, what brings you to the ward?” I’ve encountered sociopaths before. I know they can be very charming and pleasant, most of them have the very best of manners. Vorona clearly knows how a normal person should conduct themselves. But that only makes her more dangerous. A monster should act like a monster. She doesn’t.

“Izaya? He’s crazy! Like all of us!” Shinra exclaims for me, draping himself over my shoulder again. I shudder before I can help myself- caught off guard by his sudden attack while my gaze was glued to the blonds in front of me.

“Shut up.” Shizuo snaps again, reaching out to grab the glasses wearing freak by his face. Shinra cackles and slips back at the last second, and Shizuo’s terrible grip lands on my shoulder instead.

Instinct can be a terrible thing. Most of the time it’s there to give you a chance at surviving. But when instinct is the thing jerking me around to yank out of his hold, and at the same time, slam my elbow into Shizuo’s stomach, it’s more like a death sentence.

“Fuck…” I breathe, seconds before a crushing hand takes hold of my arm just above my elbow.

“Piece of shit!” Shizuo growls, shoving me back hard against the wall.

“Hey man, calm down! It was an accident!” Shinra is yelling, and vaguely I hear Vorona saying something similar. Shizuo isn’t listening- to either of them. He’s cutting off the circulation in my arm, and looks like he’s debating the consequences of ripping it off all together.

“So much for level two.” I mutter up at him, watching the way his eye twitches in irritation. But surprisingly his grip starts to go slack, easing slowly until I can pull away from him. “She was right.” I jerk my head towards Vorona, who raises a perfect eyebrow curiously. “You should learn to control your anger.”

“I’ll show you anger, you-”

“Ahem.” Our attentions whip to Kadota, who’s standing with his arms crossed just behind Shizuo. “Problem here?” He asks. I take another wide step away from the blond, even if it puts me pretty much flush with Shinra.

“None at all. Just a misunderstanding.” I tell the nurse with as somber a tone as I personally can managed.

“You sure?” He’s asking Shizuo now, and I glance at the other boy to see what he’s gonna do. Is he gonna tell the truth, even though it basically means getting put back on level one on the same day he got off it? But Shizuo’s giving away nothing of his intentions. He’s just staring at me like I’m a cockroach he’d like to step on.

Finally though, he flicks a glance at Kadota and huffs, “Yeah, just a misunderstanding.” With how angry he sounds, there’s no way the nurse believes us. But he looks to Shinra and Vorona, who both nod on our behalf, and finally seems to decide it’s too close to the end of his shift for him to pry any further.

“Alright then. Shinra, why don’t you switch places in line with Izaya. I’m sure the cafeteria will still have plenty of food if you let him go first.” Kadota suggests. Shinra looks at Shizuo nervously, but nods all the same, stepping aside so I can slide along the wall towards the door of the ward. My roommate hesitantly steps back into line beside the monster, who’s slowly calming down, but is still glaring at me.

“Sorry about that, nurse Kadota.” Vorona chimes in with an innocent little smile that looks kinda wrong on her face. Probably because expression of emotions doesn’t come very easily for sociopaths.

“Boys will be boys, right?” He sighs, very clearly begrudging. I duck my head, frowning towards my chest.

The four of us are silent for the rest of the head count and the walk to the cafeteria. And the second I grab a couple of things that look vaguely edible, I rush to a table in the corner of the room and sink down in my seat.

My arm hurts. I resist the urge to rub it while Kadota is still eyeing all of us very carefully.

“Holy shit, I thought he was gonna haul off and sock you.” Shinra whispers the second he slides into a seat beside me. “I knew you guys weren’t gonna exactly mix, but I didn’t think it’d be so…”

“Violent?” I mutter.

“Jesus Christ, he freaking hates you.”

“Thank you, I hadn’t realized.” I rub at my eyes as he starts to babble. I only ease the steady pressure when Shinra abruptly cuts himself off. A peek over my hand reveals the blurry image of someone with long blonde hair.

“Shinra, may I have your seat?” Vorona asks, except it’s in a tone that makes it clear she’s not really asking. Shinra’s up and scrambling for another table before I can even blink the Russian girl into clarity. “Hello Izaya.” She says pleasantly, dropping gracefully into the vacant seat. I glance around for the other blond monster, but Shizuo is sitting across the room with Ruri and Saburo.

“Hi.” I finally reply, after kicking my mental processing back into gear.

“How is your arm?” Her unnerving lavender eyes settle on my arm where Shizuo nearly severed it from my body. I can see her fingers twitch with the desire to pull my sleeve up and see for herself. I shift so I’m facing her, putting my arm further from her immediate reach.

“It’s fine.” She doesn’t nod or respond. She keeps looking at me, like she’s trying to categorize me. Based on what I know of her, that’s probably exactly what she’s doing. She’s trying to decide if I’m a threat or not. “Um, I’m sorry I egged him on like that. I have a bad habit of antagonizing things that want to kill me.”

“I think that says much about you.” Vorona drawls in that unsettling monotone. “But it is not my concern. My concern is Shizuo. I would not appreciate him being put back on level one.”

“I don’t have any plans to put him there. I don’t want to get involved with him at all.” I try to insist. She doesn’t look impressed.

“For someone who does not want to get involved, you seem to interact with him frequently.” It feels like she never blinks. Like her unceasing eye contact can see right into my soul. I fight the urge to squirm.

“Not on purpose. Look, I don’t want to get involved with Shizuo. I want to do my time and get out of here, without things getting fucked up.” Her pristine brow raises, either in surprise or disbelief.

“Good. It would be best to focus on yourself. However…there is something I would like you to do, to prove to me that you have no interest in Shizuo.” My skin crawls under the dead look in her eyes. I keep my face set to a careful neutral as she leans in slightly closer. “Put yourself back on level one. It is for the best, for all of us. It gives you plenty of time to focus on yourself, away from Shizuo and his temper.”

And gives her the security of making sure her boytoy doesn’t land back on level one. I want to snap at her, tell her that I’m not one of her chess pieces she can move around at will. If anything I’m the one who moves the pieces on the other side of the board. But sociopaths are hard players to go up against.

And I’m the one with the most to lose here.

“Fine.” I mutter. “But not for you, or your trigger happy boyfriend. I don’t want you getting in my way any more than I want to get in yours. So if I do this, stay the fuck away from me. You and Shizuo.”

Her eyes glimmer with what could possibly be respect. But could also possibly be the recognition that I am indeed a threat. Either way, her lips curl up in the mockery of a smile and she sticks her hand out. “Deal.” She purrs, waiting for me to accept the gesture. I’m positive she’s only doing it because she knows by now how I react to being touched. I sigh through my nose, but do as she wants.

Vorona squeezes my hand tightly, uncomfortably. I keep my face blank, waiting until she eases her grip to jerk away. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to eat in peace.” I turn away from her, a clear dismissal that she obviously doesn’t receive often.

It takes her a few moments to process it, but finally she stands and walks away, towards Shizuo’s table. I glue my eyes to my tray, refusing to make accidental eye contact with anyone. Especially the monster.

I feel like I’ve just signed my soul away. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, I’ve always hated it. Feeling defeated, especially by someone like Vorona. It’s gross.

But what’s done is done. And now I have to think about how to get myself back on level one, without causing too much of a fuss.

I slump over, laying my head on my crossed arms while my growling stomach goes unanswered. I hate feeling trapped. I hate feeling like I have to do everything I can just to get by. And more than anything, I hate lying for other people.

I do that enough already. I’m not looking forward to adding Vorona to that list. But if it makes her leave me alone, it’s worth it. Right?

I have to believe that. Or I might just do something I regret.

///

“Can I help you Izaya?” It’s past bedtime. All the rooms I passed were dark, and there were more than a few snores. But Celty doesn’t look surprised that one of their patients is wandering the halls.

“May I have a bandage?” I ask as innocently as I can. She blinks, eyes immediately looking me over.

“Are you hurt?” She questions when nothing apparent jumps out at her.

“Just a…scratch. I’m fine.” I insist, keeping my tone light and carefree. It has the desired effect of creating concern on her face.

“May I see your scratch? To know what kind of band-aid to get you.” She claims, in properly trained nurse fashion. Because it wouldn’t be very discreet to tell me she wants to see my wound to decide if it’s self injury or not.

I pretend to be hesitant. Pretend to look uncomfortable. Which makes Celty more and more concerned. “I mean…can’t I just tell you what kind of band-aid I need?” I propose with a generous heaping of nervousness to top it off. Celty frowns, standing from her seat in the nurses’ station to join me in the hallway. I fidget, not meeting her eyes. All the little signs I know they look for.

“Izaya, would you like to speak with me in the day room? It’s a little more private.” She suggests, even though it’s one in the morning and no one else is here. Hell, even Simon and Egor are mysteriously absent.

I give her a small nod, forcing myself to tolerate her hand on my shoulder as she leads me down the hallway and towards the day room. I glance back over my shoulder for only a moment, catching sight of catlike lavender eyes watching us go before we turn the corner.

Good. I’m glad she was watching.

Celty closes the day room door behind us, something that I know is only done in moments like this. She leads me to one of the uncomfortable, vinyl couches and sits facing me. And she waits for me to start the conversation for about a minute before sighing and taking the reigns.

“Izaya, your injury? May I ask how it happened?” She starts, in that soothing voice that I’m sure she’s spent hours perfecting. It grates on my ears, but I tuck the irritation down for now. It wouldn’t do to ruin the moment with a sarcastic snarl.

“I…scratched myself.” I admit in a whisper. From the corner of my eye I see her nod.

“When did you scratch yourself?”

“Last night. I just felt so…overwhelmed. I’m sorry.” I make myself sound miserable. Which isn’t as hard as the innocence earlier, considering I actually do feel miserable. Just not for the reasons she thinks.

Celty hovers her hand over my shoulder, waiting for my permission before she’ll touch me. I nod. Her warm gesture would probably be really helpful to most of the others on this ward. It makes my skin crawl even with the layer of my shirt between our skin.

“May I see, Izaya?”

It’s awkward showing Celty the rubbed raw skin on my hip. I don’t even have to pull my clothes down very far, but it’s still awkward. And letting her disinfect and dress it is even more awkward. It’s a relief when it’s done. Even though the real hard part is still coming.

“Izaya, I’m very glad you chose to talk to me about this. And I don’t want you to feel like you’re being punished for it. But as you know, self injury means you have to be placed back on level one. When you see Dr. Shiki next, you’ll be able to discuss the situation with him and see what he thinks about returning you to level two. Because you were so honest with me, I’m sure it won’t take long.”

She’s trying to be encouraging, so that I won’t get upset. But just like with Kadota at breakfast, it feels more patronizing than anything. I grit my teeth, twisting my face into a mournful expression as I bow my head in shame.

“Okay.” I breathe, maybe laying it on a bit thick. But it doesn’t matter. Her pity is better than her suspicion.

Just like always, I have to do what I have to do. Not like anyone else is going to step in for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somebody save this poor boy from being the subject of obsession for blonds. and from me, he definitely needs to be saved from me.   
> see you all soon! and, as always, let me know if you think a tag should be added for any reason!


	6. Day 4-5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendship is subjective. Everyone has their own version of it. Being an ally on the other hand is simple. I scratch your back, and then I disinfect myself!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So from here on out, the timeline really starts to pick up speed, so definitely pay attention to what day/night it is! There will eventually come chapters that skip whole weeks, but i did try to keep things as flowing as possible! Anyway, i hope it's not too confusing! Hope you enjoy!

Day 4

“If you wanted to stay on level one, you should have just said so.” Dr. Shiki drawls as he once again spends the first five minutes of our session reading the nurses’ notes.

“Well, you know, I realized how nice it is not having to worry about choosing my own food at meal time.” I drawl right back, tapping my blunt nails on the armrests of my uncomfortable chair. Celty cut them for me before I went to bed that night, and last night she filed them to make sure they weren’t growing in too fast.

It’s weird having short nails. When I go to dig them into my palms it’s like they’re not even my fingers anymore. I scowl down at them.

“I see.” Shiki rumbles. “It’s awfully extreme, going so far just to be lazy at mealtime.”

“Clearly you underestimate my dedication to laziness.” I deadpan, and he rolls his eyes hard. My doctor finishes with the notes and sits back to pin me under his sharp gaze.

“Celty recorded that you self injured on your first night here, but didn’t tell her about it until the second. My question is, why the waiting? If you were going to so easily volunteer the information, why not tell me while we had our session?”

“I guess I needed a few extra hours to start to feel really bad about it.” I sigh.

He looks anything but convinced. “And do you feel really bad about it?” He challenges. I think about playing along to the same tune I’ve been selling the nurses. But, for whatever reason, it doesn’t feel right to feed that bullshit to Shiki. I look away from him, digging my pathetically blunt nails into the armrest.

“No. I don’t.”

He hums in his throat. “Well I appreciate your honesty. Though I would encourage you to be honest with your nurses as well as me” He chides shortly. There’s a pause before he flips back to the notes from the second night. “I understand you had another disagreement with Shizuo, the same night you came clean about self injuring.”

It’s unnerving how easily he seems to see through things. “So I did.”

“I didn’t peg you as someone who would run away from a confrontation. Let alone to the extent that you would voluntarily put yourself back on level one by revealing your self injury.” I cringe. Is this guy even fucking human? Or does he have some kind of reject superpower? How else could have made that connection?

“Obviously you don’t know me very well then.” I murmur.

Shiki taps his finger against the page a few times. “Do you want to be put back on level two?”

It’s quiet in his office as I struggle for the best answer. It’s only been one night since the fiasco that dropped me back to the start line. If I give up on this charade too soon, Vorona might decide I haven’t “proved myself” enough, or whatever.

I do not want the confusion of jumping up and down from level to level until she decides she’s satisfied. And I definitely do not want to start a war because I refuse to play along anymore. It hasn’t even been a week. I can’t afford something like that happening.

I’d rather just stew at level one until she forgets my existence all together.

“No.” I bite bitterly. Shiki nods.

“Very well. Why don’t I keep you on level one for the rest of the week, and then we’ll revisit the subject.” He suggests.

“Fine.” I hate this.

But the subject Shiki jumps to next isn’t much better. “You refused to leave your room for much more than meals yesterday. And this morning you didn’t eat breakfast. Is that part of your plan to stay on level one, or is there something else on your mind Izaya?”

He terrifies me. Legitimately terrifies me. “Just trying to stay out of the way. Focus on myself.” I state as casually as I can. He immediately latches onto it though.

“Stay out of whose way?” Shit.

“Uh, everyone?” I try for sarcasm. It comes out more questioning.

“Everyone, or Shizuo?” Well he’s half right.

Vorona is by far the one I want to avoid the most. She’s creepy and has a weird thing for Shizuo, which is whatever. I wish them many years of creepy monster marriage and a gaggle of creepy monster children. But she’s not the one I’m constantly running into out of the two of them.

Staying in my room is safe. Even if Shizuo’s on level two right now, he’s still not allowed to go to the gym or art room. Which means he’s on the ward more often than all the other patients. And it also means that unless it’s mealtime, there’s risk of running into him if I leave my room. It’s easier to take the road of least resistance. Especially since I don’t really want to leave my room anyway.

None of which I can tell Shiki. “Does it matter? I don’t want to get buddy buddy with a bunch of crazy people. I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to get fixed. I shouldn’t be required to leave my room for that.” It’s all defensive. Every single word. But there’s no taking it back now.

“I see.” Shiki hums. “Of course all interaction between patients must be voluntary on our patients parts. But I’m afraid social exclusion is generally considered unhealthy.”

I scoff a dry laugh. “Not like it matters at this point in time. I’ve been here four days. I have three months before you’ll even start thinking about discharging me.” I point out.

“I suppose you’re right.” He acknowledges. “But it will be a long three months if you never leave your room.”

“It’s nothing I’m not used to.” I hardly ever left my room at home. I had no reason to. And I have no reason to here, either. Shiki sees it on my face. He sees my determination to continue on with as little interaction as possible. And I’m sure at this point in his life, he knows how to recognize a loosing battle.

“I do hope you’ll reconsider.” He sighs, scratching down some notes.

Yeah right. What is there to reconsider? I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to be fixed.

Even if both options seem impossible right now.

///

“So you are still on the ward.” I jump in surprise the second Shiki’s door closes behind me. Namie is leaning against the wall a few feet from his office door, watching me intently. “Some of them thought you might get booted to one of the maximum security wards.” She tells me.

“They have those here?” I scoff.

“Mmm hmm. But it’s pretty hard to get stuck there. Even for someone like you.” She leaves that ominously in the air, jerking her head towards the open day room door. “Wanna chat?”

No. Not with Shiki, and not with her.

But at the rate I’m going, I do really need an ally. Shinra is fine, but he’s not exactly reliable. And like hell am I gonna count Masaomi as an ally- not when he comes with the baggage of Mikado.

“Sure.” I surrender, following her inside. “Don’t you have your appointment with Dr. Shiki?” I remember, pausing in the doorway.

“Already did it. You were last on his schedule today. Probably because of what you did.” She’s blunt. Which is nice. Or rather, most of the time, blunt is nice. I sit at the opposite end of the couch she chooses, bringing my feet up off the floor so I can turn and face her. “Did you really hurt yourself on your first day here?”

“You don’t beat around the bush.”

“I don’t really see the point.” Namie waves airily, like she’s dismissing the idea of subtlety to the winds. “So did you?”

It feels like some kind of test. And at the risk of losing one of my only potential allies, I find myself telling the truth. “Yes.”

“Why?” Namie immediately demands.

“I felt overwhelmed.” It’s technically the truth. But going into the details of what in particular got me so worked up is not gonna happen. Like Shiki, Namie seems to know it. So instead of prying, she goes for a different tactic. Insults.

“Isn’t this like your seventh hospital though? You’d think you’d be used to it by now. What is there to be overwhelmed about?” She states, being as blunt as possible so it blurs the line of offensive without quite crossing it.

“It’s my sixth, thank you very much, and who told you that?” Like I don’t know.

“Mika.” Namie shrugs easily. I grimace. “She hasn’t told anyone else, if that’s what you’re worried about. I bribed her with information about my brother, and I told her if she spilled about you to anyone else I’d cut her off entirely from Seiji.”

“How noble. And why would you do that for me?” One dark brow raises in the most stunning display of incredulity I’ve ever seen.

“Because we’re going to be allies.”

Oh. Talk about birds of a feather.

“Most people here are idiots, or psychos. The ones who aren’t I find to be incredibly tedious. You’re smart. And relatively sane. And based on the fact that you’ve already broken your normal pattern several times in the last four days, you’re actually trying this time, aren’t you?”

“You’re not wrong.” I murmur.

“So you’ll need someone on your side, in case things start to get ugly in the ward. Someone to vouch for you if drama get stirred up and you get pulled in.”

“And you’d like to be that person?” It seems weird to me. No one has ever exactly lined up to be my chess piece before. Let alone someone as smart as Namie.

“We can help each other out. I’m not exactly well liked. If I’m going to be your pawn, I expect you to be mine as well. Just in case something that I can’t handle pops up and attempts to keep me in here longer than necessary.”

She leans back, looking totally at ease with her proposition. Like she’s not at all worried about what I’ll say, whether yes or no. But her nonchalance isn’t as foolproof as she likes to think. She gives her anxiety away in a lot of small things. She wants me to accept. She wants an ally, desperately.

But then, so do I. “Just so we’re clear, you’re not a pawn. Masaomi, Mika, Shinra. They’re pawns. You, my dear Namie, are a queen.”

She snorts a dry laugh, rolling her eyes. “What does that make you, the king?” Namie sneers.

“Practically useless? I think not. I’m a queen too.” I point my nose into the air proudly, while her smirk cuts sharp across her face.

“The most magnificent of queens.” She panders to me, already getting the hang of my style of banter. Probably because it’s the same as her style. It’s pretty clear to see we’re practically the same person. In most ways, at least.

“We don’t have to shake hands, do we?” I grimace at the very thought.

“God no. Never touch me.”

“Oh yeah. This’ll work out just fine.”

 

Night 5

“Will Shiki switch you back to level two tomorrow?” I glance at Namie, who’s curved delicately over her homework and pretending not to be interested in the conversation. She pretends not to be interested in anything about me. But anytime we patients are given free time, she drags me out to the day room to sit at the table with her while she works on this or that, so I know she at least likes having a warm body to sit beside.

“No. We agreed to discuss it at the end of the week. And I may not be willing to switch back then either.” Her flawless brows scrunch together in an aggressive form of confusion. Only Namie could make confusion look aggressive.

“You’re on level one by choice? That’s why you came clean to nurse Celty about hurting yourself?” She reaches under the table to dig a sharp finger into my hip like I needed the reminder. I swat her hand away.

“It’s a complicated situation. I made a deal with Vorona to get her to leave me alone from now on.” I dart a quick look towards the other side of the room where said sociopath sits reading. Luckily she looks too absorbed in her book to be paying the least bit of attention to us.

“I don’t think I want to know.” Namie huffs under her breath. “Well hurry up and do your side of the deal. I want you to start coming to the cafeteria for meals again.” She demands. My eyes roll of their own accord.

“Because I live and breathe to serve you.”

“How am I supposed to utilize my queen if he’s stuck on the ward all the time? It’s gonna take you forever to get to level three at this rate, and I need my ally ASAP.” Namie pokes a sharp finger into my hip again and this time her hand whips back too fast for me to swat her. Instead I end up slapping my chair and drawing a few looks and giggles from the other stragglers hanging out in the room.

“Look I’m doing my best, but I’m not going to rush things and wind up in an even worse position than I already am. You’ll just have to be patient.” Namie clearly isn’t thrilled by the whole patience concept. But she doesn’t try to prod me anymore- either physically or figuratively. Which I count as a win.

“Hey Izaya, hey Namie. Can I sit?” My eyes flick upward this time, taking in the smiling blond standing expectantly on the other side of the table.

“Mikado’s not with you?” Namie asks suspiciously, eyeing Masaomi carefully like he might have a hidden shiv or something.

“Huh? No, he’s on the phone right now. Do I have to have him with me to-”

“Not at all. Go ahead.” I cut in, nodding towards the seat. Masaomi looks hesitant now, but after a moment decides to go ahead and sit anyway. At first he just kind of awkwardly perches there. But then he pulls a notebook out of the pocket of his white hoodie and flips it open to the middle where a pencil is tucked between the pages.

“Thanks, it’s hard to work on this when I don’t have a table or a surface of some kind.” He tells us with a relieved smile. Then he jumps into whatever it is he needs to work on- I think it could be music notes? It’s hard to tell upside down and with his brand of chicken-scratch.

“At least you have something to work on.” Namie mutters bitterly, cutting a quick glare at me. I shrug. There’s not much to do if you don’t have homework sent in by your teachers and all your hobbies require some kind of electronic device.

I mostly amuse myself by watching the other patients. And when I can escape back to my room, I’ll usually snipe one of Shinra’s many, many books. They’re usually dry and scientific, but at least it’s slightly better than staring at the ceiling.

“Um, Izaya?” I blink myself back to attention and glance at Masaomi. He’s nervously looking just to the side of my face instead of right at me. Which is super encouraging.

“Yeah?”

“I, uh, was wondering if I could talk to you about…stuff.” He darts a quick look at Namie, who raises an eyebrow.

“Well I’m off.” She tells me simply, snapping her notebook shut. I try to give her some indication that I don’t want to have a conversation with Masaomi, and that her staying would probably dissuade him. But if she sees my nonverbal cues- which I’m 100% sure she does- she completely ignores them.

“Oh um, bye.” Masaomi gives her a weak smile. She merely hums and flounces out of the day room, with my glare on her back. “So, can I ask you something?”

It would be easy to say no. All things considered, it wouldn’t create a war or probably even offend Masaomi, who’s a pretty easy going guy. But I slouch in my seat and nod all the same.

“Thank you. I just…I heard some people saying that you self injure.” He tells me awkwardly. I wonder who these mysterious people are. It’s not Mika, that much Namie assured me. But I wouldn’t put it past Vorona, or hell, Shinra. “I um…I self injure too.” Masaomi’s voice has dropped to the softest whisper I’ve ever heard.

“Yeah, I know.” His head whips up quickly, like he wants to be panicked. But then he remembers that my SI wasn’t exactly a trade secret, and I haven’t even been here a week. “So what’s your question?”

“Um…why do you do it?” He’s back to sounding unbearably awkward. What a wee lamb.

“I’m sorry, you must be a level five friend before you can unlock my tragic back story.” I sigh, enjoying the way he starts to stutter and blush. “But, I will tell you that I’ve been doing it since I was ten.”  

“Ten?” His face pales a little. “I’ve only…I mean, it’s just been this year.” He looks down at the the table, sounding embarrassed. I frown.

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s good you haven’t been doing it long. That’ll make it easier to stop.” I point out. His head cocks to the side in obvious confusion. “You are here to stop, aren’t you?”

“Oh. Well…I dunno. It’s…complicated.”

“No it’s not. You’re in a hospital because you’re sick. The doctors aren’t going to let you leave until you’re healthy. So you have to stop hurting yourself before they’ll let you go.” I state bluntly. His eyes widen.

“But, you’re still hurting yourself.” He tells me heatedly.

“I’ve been here for five days. How long have you been here?” I raise an eyebrow pointedly. Masaomi sinks down in his seat. “Look, it doesn’t matter why I hurt myself, or for how long. We’re both going to be expected to help ourselves just as much as we expect them to help us. You can’t just wait for a miracle to happen.”

“I know that.” He bites angrily. But the anger washes out only seconds later, and he deflates against his seat. “It’s just…hard.”

“Yeah, it is.” I acknowledge. “But as long as you’re not a weak bitch, you’ll survive.” His face snaps up, surprised again. I level him with a blank look until he steels his own expression and holds himself high again. “Is that it?”

“Yeah.” He murmurs. I immediately stand to go. “Hey Izaya.” Fuck. I glance back at him. “Thanks. For being straight with me.”

Masaomi offers me a tiny smirk of gratitude that I want to slap off his face. I’m not here to be his friend, and I’m definitely not here to be his counselor. He should not get used to this. I roll my eyes.

I’m passing through the door when I notice that Mikado has been lurking just outside the day room. He glances up when I walk past him, and his face is that dead expression again. It gives me the creeps. But like hell am I gonna let him see that.

“Your boyfriend could use a little pick me up, I think.” I drawl at him and continue past. His gaze stays on the back of my neck until I turn the corner to the long hallway. And it’s only when there’s a physical barrier between us that I let myself shudder.

I don’t like that kid, there’s something seriously off about him. And I really fucking hope I never have to see first hand what that something is.


	7. Day 7-10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How To Feel Like Actual Garbage- a guide by Izaya Orihara. First step: call your mother! Second step: that's it! That's all you need to do!

Day 7

I wait until everyone is at the gym to approach Tom. He’s manning the nurse’s station today while the troops are away, and he generally seems more easy going than the others. Which is good for me.

“Hey Izaya.” He greets, pausing in his notes. “What can I do for you?”

“I was wondering if I could make a phone call.” I propose hopefully. I know the more innocence and naivety I pour into my tone, the more likely I’ll be able to get him to agree. But it’s not a foolproof plan by any means.

“Phone time doesn’t start until the afternoon normally.” He tells me sadly. I put on a big show of deflating in disappointment. “Who did you want to call though?” He asks. Bingo.

“My mom. I haven’t really spoken to her since my admittance.” I tell him, as somberly as possible. I’m pretty sure I see his heart melt a little in his chest.

“Oh. Well. I think I can make an exception for that. But don’t tell Kadota.” He winks at me, and I give him the most charming smile in my arsenal. When you specialize in manipulation, you learn to be pretty damn charming.

“Thank you!” I chirp, bouncing on my feet over to the patient phone- which is pretty much just a wall mounted payphone controlled by the nurses. Tom has to dial from his desk, and I wait patiently as he tries twice to reach Kyouko. It’s not until the third time that she picks up- and not happily based on Tom’s face. But he tells her his name and the name of the hospital, and then a few seconds later, he smiles.

“I’ll put you through to him.” Tom tells her, clicking a few buttons before the payphone beside me starts ringing. I give him another brilliant smile before snatching it off the cradle.

The first thing I hear is a growled, “This better be good, Izaya.” Ah. There’s the loving, nurturing mother I’ve always known.

“Nice to hear from you too, mother dear.” I purr, keeping my tone light since Tom is only a few steps away. And it has the added bonus of annoying Kyouko even more.

“It is one in the fucking morning.” She hisses.

I do quick calculation in my head. “Are you Europe?”

“France.” Kyouko bites. “I just got in yesterday and jet-lag is a bitch so whatever you so desperately need to talk about, it better be-”

“How are the girls?” I cut her off, eyeing Tom as he starts to look increasingly concerned at the nurses’ station. Her yelling is incredibly hard to ignore, even over the phone and from three yards away.

Her silence is even harder to miss, but by now I’ve stopped glancing at Tom to see if he’s taken note of it. Instead I stare at the useless dial pad and listen to the shuffling of fabrics on the other side of the line. If I had to guess, Kyouko is getting up and maybe turning a light on.

“They’re fine.” She finally sighs.

“Have you talked to them?” I valiantly tell myself that I do not sound anxious. I’m kinda an expert at lying to myself.

“They’re not allowed to contact anyone for the first month at that hospital.” From the bitterness in her tone, I’m sure she’s wishing she’d put me in a place with similar standards. I frown, tipping my face further away from where Tom can see.

“But they’re okay? Like, they’re stable?” I reaffirm. Kyouko goes silent for another long moment. It grates on my ears, puts me more on edge than normal.

“Is this your attempt at remorse? Or are you still a slave to that morbid curiosity of yours?” My mother sneers- fucking sneers at me. It makes my blood boil in my veins. My natural instinct to snap and hurt rears its ugly head. I have to reach compulsively for the healing wound on my hip to keep myself from acting on my instincts. If I snap, she wins. I won’t let her win this time.

“Well you know me. What would I be without my macabre charm?”

Kyouko huffs a humorless laugh. “Goodnight Izaya.”

“You’re not gonna tell me?” I quickly demand before she can hang up. This time her humorless cackle doesn’t rile me so much.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. They’re fine. Despite your best attempts, your sisters still live and breathe and are sitting in the lap of luxury, getting psychoanalyzed by every professional in the state. Is that what you wanted to hear?” Kyouko would sound frantic if she wasn’t so obviously exhausted. I hate it when she sounds like this.

“Yes.” I murmur, throwing her off yet again. It’s satisfying. Or it would be, if I didn’t feel so irritated by it. “Believe whatever you want about me Kyouko, but I didn’t want them to die.” I tell her in the quietest tone I can while I feel so angry.

“You could have fooled me.” She drawls. “You’ve always hated your sisters, from the day we brought them home.” That’s not true.

“Can’t I hate something without wanting it to be dead? That seems a little extreme.” Why am I saying this?

“Not according to your permanent record. How many times have Shirou and I had to find you a new school? How many times have we had to pay off damages? You’re constantly finding new ways to cause chaos. I just didn’t imagine you’d sink this far.” She sounds disgusted now.

“Then why give me a last chance?” I demand, gripping the phone so tight I’m surprised it doesn’t break. She doesn’t say anything. “No one would blame you for choosing them over me. So why send me here in the first place?”

Kyouko sighs heavily over the line. I grimace at the crackle of it in my ear. “Everyone has to hit rock bottom eventually. I hope for your sake, this is the bottom. And not the top of another downward spiral. Either way, I figured one last chance would help you make your decision. And then we could make ours about you.”

“How generous.” My head tips back of it’s own accord. The ceiling here has that weird holey texture. Ha. A surface made of holes. Sounds like my family life. “I didn’t want them to die.” I murmur. Kyouko sucks in a breath.

“Then why did you do it Izaya?” She demands. She didn’t ask me that before, the night it all happened. I wonder if she just thought I wouldn’t give her an answer. I wonder why she thinks she’ll get one now.

“I’m sorry.” I bite out. The apology is sour on my tongue. I’m sure she thinks even less of it than I do. Even though it’s the truth.

I hang up before she can gather her wits for any more scathing one-liners. Kyouko has always been able to completely destroy a person with just a few words. I’ve tried for years to live up to her example- which she just absolutely loves. In the same sense that I absolutely love having to open up in my sessions with Shiki.

We’re both obligated, Kyouko and me. I’m obligated to talk with Shiki and I’m even obligated to try to be honest with him. Lies come at too great a cost. I could end up completely cut off from my family depending on what he has to say by the end of my evaluation.

But I still have the better end of the stick. My obligations are nothing compared to Kyouko’s. She has to be a parent. And honestly, I can’t even blame her for being so bad at it.

She’s like a masterpiece painting of some historic disaster. But I guess that makes me a disaster that’s still happening. A disaster that’s been happening for years and years. Pretty much my whole life.

Day 10

“How are you feeling today Izaya?” I glance at Shiki for the first time in five minutes. I’ve gotten used to these sessions. He always starts by reviewing the previous two days of notes that the nurses’ are constantly taking. Once he’s caught up he leans back and asks some random question about something I did, or something a nurse wrote down.

They must’ve been pretty tame these last couple days, since he’s starting with something as vague as asking how I’m feeling.

“Splendid.” I deadpan.

“In that case, you won’t mind if I move you back to level two then.” He suggests. I do my best to look unfazed.

I’m not sure where I stand with Vorona yet. She’s been good on her word and is leaving me alone. Which I’m grateful for, but the silence from her is also unnerving. It’s impossible to guess what she feels towards me. And I haven’t given Shizuo the chance to be anywhere near me, so who knows what he’s thinking about me.

It’s been more than a week, I should be okay on level two. But poking the beast is something I do, subconsciously and on purpose. All this waiting could still be for nothing if I slip up again. But how could I tell Shiki that?

“Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Me asking you to put me on level two?” I purr teasingly.

“It should, but you’re not. I’m half convinced you would happily stay on level one until you’re discharged.” He’s not wrong.

“And that’s bad?” I sigh. He scowls.

“I’m putting you on level two.” Shiki states, but doesn’t move to sign anything or put it in his notes. I raise an eyebrow.

“Are you…waiting for my permission?” I probably shouldn’t sound so amused by the idea. Shiki looks like he wants to smack me with my own file. I’m sure the only reason he doesn’t is because he knows I would get more satisfaction from him loosing control than he would from smacking me.

“If I put you on level two and you immediately hurt yourself again, I’d have to bring another nurse onto the ward to be your one-on-one. So yes, I would like your permission. Or at least, I’d like you to tell me if you intend to do something drastic to remain on level one.” I like how honest Shiki can be. It’s both refreshing and sometimes alarming. Like now.

“It’s not like I hate the idea of being on level two.” I huff defensively.

“You could have fooled me.” I cringe at his choice of phrase. It’s word for word the same as Kyouko just a few days ago on the phone. I think it’s just become my least favorite phrase in the English language.

“Yeah, because you’re an expert on my life! If you’re so easily fooled, it’s your own fault, not mine!” I snarl, and then instantly regret it. Both of Shiki’s eyebrows shoot up this time, clearly surprised by the outburst.

I refuse to look at him while he lets the silence stew in the wake of my break of character. It gets awkward real fast, and then escalates to unbearable. I start to fidget with the skin around my fingernails, and that’s when he seems to realize I refuse to be the one to talk first.

“Were you talking to me just then, or someone else?” Shiki asks so simply it’s almost eerie. My jaw aches from the force of my teeth grinding together.

“It doesn’t matter.” I hiss.

“It does.” Shiki insists. “You obviously have things you want to say. Saying them, even if it’s just to me and not to the person they’re meant for, can be helpful to you Izaya.”

It’s not that easy. He has to know it’s not that easy. I let my head fall back against my chair, staring without seeing at the weird, holey ceiling.

“I know you’re actually trying to take things seriously this time. And that’s probably harder for you than anything else you’ve done. But you need to be willing to open up if you want anything to happen.”

It’s nearly the same exact thing I said to Masaomi not long ago. It feels insulting to have to hear it from Shiki when I just gave the same lecture to someone else. I feel so young and stupid. But that’s probably because I am young and stupid. A dry laugh rises in my throat.

“This is stupid.” I murmur. Shiki hums thoughtfully.

“Difficult, embarrassing, a very long process? Yes. Stupid? No.”

“Then why do I feel like a moron?” I huff. He’s smirking when I tip my face down to look at him. He doesn’t even try to hide it, just meets my eyes with that fucking smirk.

“You tell me.” He invites, pulling his notes into his lap and pen poised at the ready. Like the textbook portrait of a psychiatrist.

Fucking shrinks.

Night 10

The level three patients go to art at different times depending on the day. There’s a few other things that rotate through the week- like music therapy and other bullshit things like that. Tonight art therapy lands between dinner and visiting hour.

Which basically means the hour I normally spend with Namie or Shinra before they shuffle off to talk to their loved ones is instead being spent in the day room with Simon and Shizuo.

“Izaya, this is time for artistic expression! Why you’ve not started anything?” Simon badgers me when he notices I haven’t touched the piece of paper or any of the supplies that were brought over from the art room.

This is ridiculous. I can’t go to the art room yet, so Simon decided to try to bring the art here. Which is fucking ridiculous! This is why I prefer it when art is in the morning. Kadota would never try this.  

“Great inspiration has yet to strike.” I drawl at the towering Russian nurse. “Besides, how could I compete with Jackson Pollock over here.” I gesture airily towards Shizuo and his…art.

“Ah, Izaya, is not nice to tease your fellow patient.” Simon berates me. I hardly hear him over the growl rumbling in Shizuo’s throat.

Okay so, just to be clear, I’m really not trying to antagonize the monster. I’m trying to get out of this ridiculous art thing and he’s the only chess piece available to me! But it’s still not the smartest thing I’ve done. I don’t want to end up choking on a crayon by the end of the hour. Although, if it would help me escape…

“Is it bad for his artistic soul to hear criticism?” I suggest flippantly. Shizuo’s eye twitches. “All I’m saying is that starting with coloring pages isn’t always a bad idea. At least they teach you how to form shapes and color within the lines. After all, not all of us are cut out to be Picasso.” The marker in Shizuo’s hand snaps in two. Ink immediately covers his hand, and some of the table too. “Whoops.”

“Now now, calm down.” Simon encourages the blond, who’s huffing hard like he’s about to flip the table. “Let’s get this cleaned up, da?”

Simon ushers Shizuo out of the room, surprisingly easily given how angry the monster was getting. It’s horrible how effortless it is to rile him up. Honestly, I barely have to say anything. And for once in my life, that’s not a good thing.

I can’t keep prodding Shizuo like this, I know it. Even to help myself. But he’s just…so easy!

I take the opportunity of their absence to slip back to my room. If I get in trouble, so be it. Simon can move me back to level one if he wants- even if Shiki will no doubt tear his hair out in frustration. It’s for the best that I stay out of the way. That’s all I’ve been trying to do! Really, this time it’s Simon’s fault that Shizuo wants to murder me.

Have I mentioned that I’m an expert at lying to myself?

I’m laying on my stomach reading one of Shinra’s text books over my pillow when I’m yanked up by my collar. My first reaction is to reach for the hand clenched in my shirt, but my wrist is grabbed too, and pressed down across my other arm to keep that one trapped to the bed as well.

“Listen, you little shit.” Shizuo’s growl against my ear has me cringing away protectively. Which to him probably looks like I’m trying to wriggle away and escape. He presses down hard on my arms, pulling harder on my collar until the fabric is nearing it’s ripping point. I hiss at how sharp the tight fabric feels against my neck.

“Let me go.” I seethe. Shizuo doesn’t even laugh at the order. He leans further over me, bringing his chest flush against my shoulder and side. I hate it. I hate him!

“I said listen.” He bites. “You piss me off. And if you keep pissing me off, I’m not gonna hold back anymore. You got that?”

“Thanks for the PSA, now fucking let me go!” I wriggle a little, cutting off a gasp when he abruptly releases my collar. Only to shove down hard between my shoulder blades and keep me pinned to the bed.

“Fuck, why do you have to be such a little shit?” Shizuo sneers. “Stop pissing me off! Do you got it?”

There’s a lot of things I could do right now, objectively speaking. I could yell for a nurse. I could keep being my charming self and get him even angrier. I could just stay silent on principle. I’m sure Simon will be making rounds in a few minutes and will spot us anyway.

But I tilt my head to the side to look up at him, and his face is surprisingly calm. Not even a fraction as hostile as I thought it would be. It throws me off more than I’m proud to admit.

“Stop looking at me like that.” Shizuo growls, his hand moving up my spine to press on the back of my neck instead. My head drops back down, nearly being smothered in my pillow. I wonder if Shizuo’s ever imagine it- actually killing me. If he has, I’m sure he didn’t think of suffocating me with a pillow. He seems like the kind of monster who would break your neck or leave you bleeding out

“How should I look at you then, Shizu-chan?” I drawl, bracing for his grip to become crushing, or maybe a punch. Neither happens.

His fingers twitch a few times against my neck, but then abruptly let me go. By the time I’m looking over my shoulder, he’s storming out through my doorway and vanishing into the hall. He doesn’t look back. Which is good, because I feel like I probably look pathetic right now.

And if there’s one thing I refuse to change about myself for the sake of getting better, it’s my pride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if anyone is confused, Jackson Pollock is an artist who does really abstract paintings, that look really messy and kinda gross in my opinion. it's an insult, don't think about it too hard.  
> Also, i dont think i've mentioned this yet, but yeah, this is taking place in the US. not sure which state, but since i have no idea what the mental health system is like in Japan, i have to default to what i know. and what i know- hell, i'm practically an expert at it- is the US's mental health system! So yeah.  
> thanks for reading! see you next time!


	8. Day 12-16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some good fucking therapy. And also drama.

Day 12

It’s the end of group, right before free time, when Namie gets called in by Shiki for her appointment. Normally he sees her first thing in the day- to get her out of the way, I think. But he must have caught on to the fact that we pretty much cling to each whenever free time comes around. Maybe he’s trying to experiment. See what we’ll do without the other around for protection.

For me personally, it’s scaling the wall on the patio to sit on the edge of the roof. And not a second too soon. I get my leg over the brick ledge to the sound of the door to the ward opening.

I peek over the side to watch Shizuo and Vorona take a seat at one of the tables. About a minute later Shinra appears as well, and gravitates towards them to start chattering a mile a minute. Mika and Anri are the last ones to come outside, taking the other table to whisper to each other over some snacks.

It’s an odd mix. Which is great for the prospect of eavesdropping.

At first, it’s mostly inane chatter I pick up on. Vorona tries to casually bother Shizuo for information about himself. He either knows what she wants and is intentionally misinterpreting her, or the idiot is actually dumb enough to misinterpret almost everything she asks.

And it doesn’t look like he’s figured out flirting yet either, because Vorona is not exactly what I would call smooth. What a dumb monster.

And Mika, who spotted the fringe of my hair almost immediately after coming outside, is keeping her conversation with Anri pretty quiet to avoid me learning anything new. But at least she hasn’t ratted me out. So that’s nice.

The door opens again, and Namie wanders out to sit across from Mika and Anri. She doesn’t acknowledge the girls, and they don’t acknowledge her, but neither party seems to mind this silent agreement that their table is the safer place for Namie to sit.

Maybe I should go down now. Give her some company.

The issue with that is that I like it up here. I rock back on my heels to stretch my body out against the uncomfortable, but sun warmed roof. It’s not nearly as high as the rooftops I would frequent before my admission, but it will do. It’s high enough to feel the breeze cut across my body, and for the sky to open up above me without walls blocking the way.

It’s freedom, in some tiny way. At least, it’s the closest thing to freedom I can get here.

I just wish the building was taller. I wish I could stand on the edge of the roof and get the same feeling of adrenaline as I did with my parent’s high rise. I wish that it was tall enough to kill me if I jumped.

This puny building wouldn’t even break a bone.

The sound of the door opening is distant now that I’m not lurking right on the edge of the roof. But the voice that carries up to me is anything but distant. “Has anyone out here seen Izaya? He’s late for his appointment with the Doc.” Nurse Tom demands. They must have been looking for me for a while now. There’s the beginnings of panic already in his tone.

I hear a round of denials from everyone before Tom goes back inside. And then I will myself to crawl back to the ledge and take another glance around.

Namie meets my gaze almost immediately. She glares. I shrug. And she goes back to her homework without another thought. Easy communication. It’s nice.

“What’s his problem anyway?” Shizuo’s growling draws my attention away from my ally and to his little table of crazies. Vorona has her head quirked to the side curiously. Shinra on the other hand is all but laying across the table to get closer to the blond.

“Who? Izaya?” He demands, eager for some kind of ripple in the still of the pond. Shizuo and I make a pretty big ripple. Everyone has noticed by now, not just my roommate and the resident psychopath.

“Yeah. Why the fuck is he so…” Shizuo struggles with a word for it. I raise an eyebrow, a little curious of what he might say.

“Crazy?” Shinra suggests. Shizuo looks disappointed by the lackluster title, but nods anyway because his ape brain can’t think of a better one. “I dunno man.” Shinra chirps with a carefree shrug.

“You are Izaya’s roommate.” Vorona states, clearly unimpressed.

“Yeah, but we don’t talk. Didn’t the last time we were in a hospital together either. He’s not really the chatty type.” Shinra snorts at the very thought. Vorona glances at Shizuo, senses his interest in the subject, then pins Shinra under an even more intense gaze.

“What was he like in this other hospital?” She demands. And I do not like that she’s asking about me, even if it is basically just on Shizuo’s behalf.

“Oh man, he was sick. Like, mentally yeah, but behaviorally…he was a whole different level than anyone I’d ever seen. I thought for sure he had to be a psychopath. Scary.” Shinra pauses here, evidently remembering his audience. But Vorona merely raises a perfectly eyebrow.

“Why? What’d he do?” Shizuo grumbles.

“What didn’t he do? He started fights, antagonized the most dangerous people in the ward, got other patients to take the fall for it. He had to be assigned to three different doctors before they finally just discharged him because they, and I quote, ‘Didn’t have the appropriate means to treat him at that time’. They freaking gave up on treating him!”

He sounds pretty jazzed about all of that. Meanwhile for me it feels like the words are acid being pumped into my veins.

“He caused contention on purpose?” Vorona reaffirms. I send a sidelong glance at the other table, where both Namie and Mika are staring at me now. I shrug again. Namie frowns.

“Yeah. He called the ward his playground.” He tells them in a theatrically dark voice. “But, ugh, he hasn’t been like that this time around! He’s so boring now!” Shinra whines, tossing his head back dramatically. I smirk to myself. So he’s noticed.

“Maybe he is actually trying to recover.” Vorona suggests. I can’t tell if she’s disinterested in this, or if that’s just the way her voice sounds. Probably a little of both.

“Who cares. Dude’s a freak.” Shizuo grumbles.

“Hey, assholes. You know he’s listening, right?” Namie snaps, evidently fed up with the conversation, which wasn’t even including her. Shinra, Vorona, and Shizuo look at her like she’s either crazy or just plain dumb. Which is my cue to sigh and jump down from the roof.

I land on my feet- thank god, because everyone is looking at me now. A little show of brushing myself off and then I’m straightening up with a pleasant smile for everyone that doesn’t reach my eyes. “Better go. Guess they’re looking for me.” I gesture towards the door, retreating before I can get yelled at by anyone.

I’m just…not really down for that right now. I’m just…kinda tired.

 

Night 14

“Are you mad at me for talking about you to them?” I glance over at Shinra idly. He’s sitting at the edge of his bed, pouting, looking like a little lost puppy. I sigh.

“No Shinra. I know you practically need drama in order to live.” I drawl. He looks a little relieved, but only for a moment before he tenses up again.

“Then why have you been ignoring me? Last night, and this morning too! You didn’t even look at me during breakfast or lunch or group or anything!” He frets, working himself up more and more. I sigh again.

“Look Shinra, you’re right. I’m not the same as I was last time. And why do you think that is?” I ask, sitting all the way up to address him properly. He looks like he’s honestly thinking it through for a moment before looking up at me through his glasses.

“Because you want to avoid drama?”

“Bingo. I want to get in, get out, maybe even be a functioning member of society when I do. And your two little friends are the biggest ‘No-Go’ areas for me if I want to do that. So of course I’m going to try avoiding them, and anything that associates with them. We can hang out here, but don’t expect me to be glued to your hip if you’re glued to theirs.” I explain tensely.

“Oooh…” He sounds like he’s had some great revelation, instead of just having the common sense truth laid out for him. “Well why didn’t you say so? I wouldn’t have babbled to them if I’d known you didn’t want to get involved with them.” I highly doubt that.

“You were the one telling me not to get involved with them, why wouldn’t I try to avoid them?” I point out.

“Oh yeah…” He mumbles. “Whoops?” He tries, running out of ways to defend himself. I roll my eyes so hard my head hurts.

There’s a knock at the door as Nurse Celty stops in to check on us. “Lights out in ten minutes guys.” She tells us before moving on. Shinra sighs dreamily as she goes.

“You seriously have a thing for the night nurse?”

“You don’t understand Izaya. Celty has always been there for me, and now she’s here for me physically too! I mean, I’d prefer it if she didn’t feel the need to put on some fake head just for other people’s comfort, but ya know. At least she’s-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re telling me Nurse Celty is the physical form of the Dullahan you’ve been…seeing since you were a kid? I’m pretty sure hospitals don’t hire ancient fairies.” I point out, being as delicate as I’m physically able to be.

“She’s in disguise Izaya. She’s doing what she needs to do to watch over me in my hardest hours!” He tells me with all the gravitas of a classically trained actor.

I don’t want to argue with him on this. Mostly because I don’t care. So what, he’s projecting a lifetime of hallucinations onto an innocent nurse. So what, he’s convinced himself that drug abuse at a young age- through no fault of his own- isn’t the cause of the visions he has. At least he’s not hurting anyone.

He’s better than most of the people I could have been stuck having as a roommate.

“Have you talked to her about it?” I ask Shinra, snapping him out of his starry eyed wonder.

“Hmm? About what?” Clearly not.

“About how much you…appreciate her being here for you.” That’s a safe enough suggestion. If Shinra approaches her with innocence and naivety, it might not be as creepy for Celty. And then she can make sure he talks about his delusions with his shrink, Dr. Kujiragi. Based on what Shinra’s told me about his psychiatrist, she’s very interested in his…visions.

“Hey, that’s a good idea! I didn’t even think of that! What if she thinks I’m being ungrateful to her!” He’s starting to sound worried by the end of it.

“I’m sure she knows you’re grateful. But there’s nothing wrong with verbally expressing it.” I encourage. Normally I wouldn’t try to get involved in another patient’s business, but it’s Shinra. It’s been years since we met and the kid is still as crazy as I remember. He desperately needs someone to get involved. Unfortunately.

“Thank you Izaya!” Shinra chirps, scrambling off his bed.

“I didn’t mean right now!” I yell after him. But he’s already gone.

What a freak. Whatever. I just hope he gets his issues resolved eventually.

 

Day 16

“How is your injury doing?”

“I mean it was like two weeks ago. So it’s fine.” It would probably be all healed up by now if I didn’t keep picking at the scab. Shiki looks at me intently, like he’s listening to my internal dialogue. It’s spooky.

“You haven’t hurt yourself since then, have you?” He asks bluntly. No beating around the bush. But at this point, I’d probably be a little concerned if he did. I’ve been here for half a month now. This is my eighth session with Dr. Shiki. Needless to say, I’ve pretty much found my footing. But that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of loosing that footing. Especially around the good doc.

“Not that I know of.” I assure him. Whether or not he believes me, he doesn’t ask again.

“How did your self injury begin, Izaya?” That seems a little too shrinky to me. Like a default question to ask when you have nothing better to ask about. I think about telling him that too. I don’t think he’d appreciate the evasiveness though.

“I dunno, I was young and stupid.”

“You’re still young and stupid.” Shiki deadpans.

“You’re not wrong.” I smile, my self depreciation dragging me into easy acceptance. Shiki frowns, and I sigh. “I dunno, I guess I thought it would make my parents come home and take care of me. I was ten, it made sense to me somehow.”

“That’s understandable. Did they come home and take care of you?” He presses. I shift uncomfortably.

“No. I never told them. I thought I would get in trouble. Which I did, when they eventually found out.” Shocker.

“So why continue hurting yourself? It gave you no benefit.”

“I didn’t say that.” I scoff immediately. Shiki waits patiently for me to explain myself. “I didn’t do it a lot at first. It started off attention seeking, but I couldn’t even bring myself to use it for that. I did it and told myself I’d tell my parents, but I never did. And then I’d do it again, which as you might guess turned into a pattern.”

“A cycle of destructive tendencies.” He acknowledges.

“That should be the title of my autobiography.” I laugh dryly to myself. Shiki isn’t impressed. “But anyway, maybe a year after the first time, I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself how stupid I was being. I made a conscious decision to stop. But I never did. Not really. I just…needed it too much. It had become a part of me.” Dependency at it’s finest.

“Do you define yourself by your mental health issues, Izaya?” Another blunt question to make me cringe.

“In a way, I guess.” Shiki writes something down. He’s still writing when his next question comes.

“In your own opinion, do you think you’ve been so hesitant to accept help because you’ve defined yourself this way for so long?” I have no answer for him. At least not one that will leave my suddenly tight throat.

Shiki stops writing to glance up at me. “The process of therapy can be dehumanizing- the loss of an identity to some. Many people who have been dealing with their illnesses all their lives think that their entire being is made up of that illness. For them, treatment is more of a punishment than anything, because they believe it’s robbing them of who they are at their core.”

“What do you do to help the people like me?” I ask softly.

“I try to help them understand that there is more to them than scars and a tragic backstory. Then I try to find constructive hobbies for them, or help them form goals and ideals that don’t revolve around their illnesses. That kind of thing.”

“And what about for me personally? You know what my hobbies include. You know my goals and ideals. You know that for me, my illness is my way of life. Not just in a metaphorical sense.” Shiki tap his pen at the top of his piece of paper.

“You’re not the hardest patient I’ve ever had Izaya. Your life may look bleak to you, but I guarantee that if you continue to try to work with me as you’ve been doing, that I will be able to help you. I’m very pleased with how much you’ve been trying. I’ve noticed your efforts, as have the nurses. You’re trying not to fall back to old habits. And you haven’t injured yourself again after that first night. Those are good steps in the right direction, don’t you think?”

“Maybe I’m just doing what you want me to do so that I can get out of here without pissing off my parents.” I suggest.

“It’s possible.” He admits easily enough. “But you’ve told me before that this time is different. It’s your last chance. After this, you have to become an adult and most likely you’ll be sent off by your parents anyway. I think you do want to get better this time.”

“So I can have some idyllic, functioning future?” I scoff.

“More likely it’s so that you can prove your parents, and everyone else, wrong. How many times have you been told you’re a lost cause?” Too many to count. “Spite is not the worst motivation in the world. It’s not the best, but it’s not the worst. As long as it’s motivating you in the right direction.”

“Well then I’m going to fucking great places.” I spit out. Shiki is unperturbed by my dramatics. He really must’ve seen some stuff, if he can be so composed no matter what.

“I believe that you are.” He tells me seriously. I clench my fists hard, avoiding looking at him.

“I don’t.” I admit quietly. Shiki waits for more, but I have nothing else to give him right now. I’ve already given him enough today. Eventually he glances away from me, towards the clock.

“Perhaps over the next couple of days you should spend time imagining a good end for your life, instead of only entertaining the bad.”

“What’s the point of doing that?” I demand. “I don’t need fake hope for something that’s never going to happen.”

“On the contrary, hope can be as powerful a motivator as spite. Just imagine what you could do if you had both at your disposal, Izaya.” Shiki looks terrified by the idea. Which does make me feel a little better, I’ll admit. “And besides, it’s just something for you to idly entertain. For when you get bored.”

“That’s a lot of the time.”

“Then it looks like you have a lot of time to look on the bright side ahead of you.”

Sounds fake. Doesn’t he know that people who look at the sun for too long go blind eventually? Not that it matters. I feel blinded by life most of the time anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if you guys have picked up on this (if you've read anything else from me, i'm sure you already know) but i totally don't have an editor for this stuff. it's all just what mistakes my tired eyes can find. so if there's mistakes, or something seems off, i'm sorry. i, like Izaya, am just very tired, and often times i do not want to heavy duty edit. please forgive any mistake!  
> and i hope you liked the chapter despite that!


	9. Night 19-21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter that's going to get me stabbed in a dark alley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who's paying attention to the tags, don't get too excited yet! I can promise you, it's not what you think! That being said, i'm a bit afraid for my life right now as i post this...please don't crucify me for this totally necessary for the plot little slice of fanservice! I'm sorrryyyy-

Night 19

“Are you sure about this?” I whisper to Namie, who totally ignores me. “Namie.” I hiss. She rolls her eyes.

“Look, you’re drawing unwanted attention again. Vorona’s been snooping around about you, trying to wring out information from Mika. Do you want her nose in your business, or do you want to get through this shit show as easily as possible?” She mutter back fiercely. I sink down in my seat.

“But why them?” I mumble, taking a quick peek at the corner of the room.

“Because they’re some of the only people here who Vorona leaves well enough alone. If you want to throw her off, going to them is your best bet.” Namie insists. “Now get over yourself and get over there to make some new friends.”

“I hate you.” I sigh.

“Get bent.” She drawls.

With a few more grumbles under my breath, I force myself to my feet and across the room to stand in front of the couch Erika and Walker have claimed as their own today. They stare expectantly at me. “Hi.”

“Hey.” Erika smiles. She looks so innocent. So peaceful. Walker too looks as cheerful as can be. I have to remind myself that these two have tortured people with soldering irons. They’re not angels. And that’s exactly why I need them on my side. “Wanna sit?”

“Um yeah.” I go to take the cushion on the other side of Erika, but she scoots down to move the gap so it’s between her and Walker. This leaves me even more unsettled than I already was as I sit in the offered space. An arm is draped across the backrest, Walker’s hand resting almost on my shoulder as he leans in.

“So how can we help you?” He grins happily. Like a fox who’s caught a hare.

“I um…want us to be allies.” Might as well jump straight to the point. Walker’s eyebrows shoot up. He looks around me at Erika, who looks just as pleased.

“This is a surprise. Most people go out of their way to avoid us.” He gestures around the room, at all the other patients who are very intently not looking this way. I wonder how many of them think I’m an idiot for approaching these two.

“Only our roommates tolerate us, and still that’s day to day.” Erika adds, glancing towards Anri where she’s chatting with Masaomi and Mikado. There’s something possessive in Erika’s gaze, but she blinks and it’s gone. Like she’s trying to insist to herself that Anri isn’t hers.

There’s none of that self control when she looks at Walker. Of course, he looks at her just as possessively.

“So why do you want us?” He asks me, leaning in even more. Erika does the same. It feels like two of them are caging me in.

“Because most people go out of their way to avoid you. I want that for myself too.” I explain simply. They seems to appreciate bluntness almost as much as I do.

“So you really are trying to turn a corner.” Erika marvels. I feel myself stiffening. “Anri was telling me about Shinra’s little speech on the patio the other day. The boy really has no concept of boundaries.”

“Yeah no kidding. I heard he tried flirting with Nurse Celty.” Walker snorts. I can’t help but to feel secondhand embarrassment for my roommate. “So tell us then. Who are you trying to avoid?” He’s uncomfortably close to my ear. I stop myself from cringing away. I need these two. I can’t let them get offended just because I value something called personal space.

“Vorona. And Shizuo.” I admit. Like they’re two halves of the same brain, Erika and Walker glance over towards the table where said blonds are sitting. I’m just glad Vorona is too busy trying to help Shizuo study to notice the blatant staring.

“I don’t blame you.” Erika assures me. “But why should we help you? You’re just a boring boy doing his boring time so he can leave and go back to his boring life. Right?” I feel myself getting indignant. I’m sure that was her goal.

“I didn’t use to be.” I mutter. Erika laughs.

“Tell us about what you were like then.” Walker commands, drawing my attention with a finger under my chin. It almost feels like he’s flirting. Like talking about my sordid past is the equivalent of dirty talk for them.

I shudder to think that it might be. But whatever. I have to do this. “I had a habit of seeing people as little more than pieces in a big game.” I admit. They look intrigued. Which is good, I think. “I’d use them for my needs and then throw them under the bus when the time came. No one was off limits.”

“Even teachers?” Erika asks.

“I’ve gotten four teachers fired.”

“Even friends?” Walker chuckles.

“I don’t have friends. Surprisingly, there’s not many people who enjoy being used like puppets.” They both grin devilishly. “But I did have a few followers. Usually desperate girls who had issues of their own that I could exploit to earn their devotion.”

“Kinky.” Erika giggles. “What about in the other hospitals you were in? Did you really start shit?”

“At every single one.”

“Between the patients?” Walker demands.

“And the nurses. And the doctors. It’s easy really. Everyone in a hospital like this is already a little unstable. The trick is finding the cornerstone of the ward and kicking it out to destabilize the whole unit. Once that person breaks down, it sets off a chain reaction- assuming you’ve set everyone up perfectly.”

“Wow you are demented.” Erika makes it sound like a compliment. To her and Walker, it might be. “I like you.”

“Me too.” Walker purrs. “But if we’re going to be allies, we need to discuss what that entails. What do you expect from us?”

“Um…a distraction, I guess? Something to make Vorona lose interest in me?” They share a look that I’m sure I’m not crazy for finding terrifying.

“We can do that. Oh, but, what exactly is she interested in you for?” Erika asks, glancing again towards the blond. She’s still too entranced with Shizuo to notice, thankfully. But Shizuo on the other hand catches the gaze and levels a glare at me. I instantly look away.

“That. Him.” I whisper to the two of them. “She thinks Shizuo is too interested in me. She doesn’t like the competition.”

“And is he too interested in you?” I glance at Walker. He’s smirking. But there’s something predatory in his tone. We’re not even officially allies yet, but I appreciate his enthusiasm, I guess.

“I don’t know. I don’t know enough about him to know.”

“Well don’t you worry about it. We know just the thing for it.” Erika assures me. “Why don’t you come with us? We can talk about it more in private.”

“I’ll catch up in a sec.” Walker waves us off. I follow Erika’s lead out of the day room, glancing back shortly to see if I can catch Namie’s eye. But she’s either too wrapped up in her magazine, or too intent on ignoring me to notice. Either way, Erika is pulling me out into the hallway before I can linger on it.

“You never asked what Walker and I want from our alliance.” She points out, tugging me along towards her room, I’m guessing.

“As long as it’s not to start another War of the Wards, I’ll do it.” I promise wearily. I just want this stupid nonsense with Vorona to stop. If I have to make myself uncomfortable to do it, so be it. Erika hums.

“I like that, War of the Wards. You’re kind of a dork, aren’t you? Secretly, beneath your angst and darkness.” She doesn’t give me much time to answer, dragging me into her room and pushing me against the wall within full view of the doorway. “Sure you don’t want to change your mind?”

“Do what you have to.” I mumble, praying that none of the nurses pass by before this is over. Erika grins wickedly and grabs my shirt by the collar to pull me down.

I haven’t kissed a lot of people, even though my followers would have been more than happy to offer. I just haven’t seen the big appeal. It’s always weird and slobbery and not really my thing. So it’s hard to get into kissing Erika. I’m not sure I’m selling the image. But she’s doing her best to help me along.

“You’re not very good at this.” She whispers teasingly against my lips. “Here, tilt your head like this. And try to relax a little. Do you want Vorona to buy it or not?”

“I’m trying.” I growl. She giggles, attaching our lips again. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone in the doorway, but I don’t have time to get nervous about it being Vorona. Walker’s cheerful face is too distinct to mistake as the sociopath.

“Aww you started without me?” He pouts, sliding up beside me on the wall. Then he takes my arm and slowly pulls me over so I’m leaning back on his chest instead of the wall. Erika steps over too, so I’m between them again. Just…a lot closer between them.

“You okay?” She asks, looking surprised that I would feel awkward about this.

“Sure.” I grit out between my teeth. Walker laughs, kissing my neck just beneath my ear.

“Look, it’ll work. I told Vorona to bring Shizuo past this way in a few minutes. When they see it, both of them will get the picture that you don’t want anything to do with them. Okay?” Walker tells me softly, nipping at my earlobe. I shiver.

“What do you guys get out of this anyway?” I mumble belatedly. They share another haunting grin over my shoulder.

“Erika always gets worked up after we share someone. Makes the sex good later.” Walker drawls, sliding his hands up my side. Erika keeps hers planted on my hips. There are more hands touching me right now than I’d ever like in my entire life, but I have to do this. And they’re just selling the image. And it’s for the best- fuck!

Erika slots her leg between mine, her knee bumping against Walker’s where his is also situated from behind. A short grind has me shivering again, biting hard at my lower lip.

“There you go, relax.” Erika coos. Walker laves his tongue up the side of my neck as if to agree with her. I shakily reach one hand out for either of them, curling my right around the back of Walker’s neck to grab hold of some hair. Erika catches my hand and puts it to her chest. I close my eyes to ignore the positioning of where exactly she puts it.

“So pretty for us, baby.” Walker growls in his throat. It’s different than how he has been talking. And that’s how I know Shizuo and Vorona are watching.

My head tips back against Walker’s shoulder, baring my neck to him. He eagerly accepts while Erika slips her tongue back into my mouth. There are moans tossed around, though I’m not sure who they’re from at this point. All I know is that I have to make this convincing. If I can sell this, I can escape the two blonds who are making my life a little more difficult than it needs to be.

I peek one eye open, just barely able to see the doorway as I am. They’re still standing there, watching like pervs. Vorona looks absolutely blank; likely stuff like this has no effect on her. But Shizuo…he looks pissed. Which is either very good, or very bad. What right does he have to look so angry, after all?

“Hey.” Shizuo grunts, and both Erika and Walker snap their attention to the door. I lazily lull my head forward, scowling.

“Do you mind?” I huff. I can feel Walker laughing silently at my back.

“There’s this thing called discretion, asshole.” Shizuo bites. I can’t help but to snort a humorless laugh.

“There’s also this thing called privacy.” Erika deadpans, making a shooing motion with her hands. “Bye bye.”

When neither of them budge, Walker pushes up off the wall, walking me and Erika forward towards her bed- which is slightly less in the line of sight of the door. “Byeeee!” He drawls out pointedly.

I’m pulled down by one of them, winding up in Erika’s lap with Walker leaning above me. “Another minute of this and then you can hide in the bathtub while Erika and I make out on the sink for a while. That should sell it.” He whispers into my ear so quietly even I struggle to hear it. I nod tensely, letting my mouth fall pliant to his searching tongue.

“You don’t think they’ll tell one of the nurses on us, do you?” Erika mutters dejectedly, casting a glance at the door between peppering kisses to my jaw.

“Doubt it. Vorona wants it to happen, it’s her security. She’ll stop Shizuo if he does try to ruin anything.” Walker sounds pretty sure of himself. Which is good. At least one of us is.

“You did good, Izaya.” Erika whispers to me.

“Especially for a virgin.” Walker snickers.

“Wha- who said I was a virgin?” I demand. They only laugh, much to my indignation. I purse my lips angrily. Walker coaxes them back open with his tongue for a moment before pulling away to smirk.

“If you ever want to change that, we’re more than happy to be of assistance.” He tells me in what I’m sure is supposed to be a seductive purr. I hold back another shiver.

“Thanks.” I put as little feeling into the word as I can. They laugh again.

“Come on, I think it’s safe to move.” Erika encourages us. I follow along as they migrate giggling to the bathroom. They’re on each other instantly, leaving me to curl up in a ball in the shower while they get increasingly frisky.

That was weird. And creepy. And not something I want to repeat in the near future. This is by far the most awkward hospital stay I’ve had yet. Hopefully I can survive it long enough to come out the other side as a well adjusted almost-adult.

Yeah right.

 

Day 21

“For group today we’re going to be splitting up into groups of three. And because most of you are just going to turn to the people right next to you, I’ve decided to assign them randomly.” We all groan at Kadota, who waits for it to quiet down with a patience that would rival God himself. “I’ll be counting off around the circle. Pay attention to your number then join up with your group.”

Despite mutterings of protest from pretty much everyone, Kadota does the count off. There’s one group of four by the end, but it’s not my group. Instead I’m left staring awkwardly at Shizuo and Masaomi as they take the empty seats across the table from me. Fucking great.

“Hi.” Masaomi chirps happily. Shizuo barely even grunts to acknowledge us. Oh yeah. This is gonna go smooth as fuck. “I’ll um…go get the worksheet.”

I watch him scurry off towards Kadota, only to get sidetracked by Mikado’s group on the way back. He starts chattering away, looking content to stand there the whole hour if it means avoiding our group work. Which I can’t exactly blame him for. If I was in his shoes, I’d damn well stay away too.

It’s quiet between Shizuo and me, not even a mutter of disgust from him or a taunt from me. I keep my eyes on the table and will the hour to go by faster. But a peek at the clock tells me only like five minutes has passed. I can’t help my sigh.

“So you’re bi?” I almost jump at the abrupt and fucking random question. When I look up, Shizuo is staring intently at me, so I know it wasn’t directed at anyone else. But still, what the fuck? Where the fuck did that even come from?

“Not really.” I mumble, looking down again.

“Then what are you?” He asks sharply. I flinch a little, both at the accusatory tone and the question. Because fuck if I know the first thing about myself.

“Does it matter?” I bite back. I can see Shizuo shifting around- hopefully because he’s uncomfortable. It wouldn’t be fair if I was the only one hating this.

“My brother is bi.” He blurts out, again randomly.

“Congratulations.” I drawl. Shizuo shifts around more. It seems like he’s starting to panic because the conversation isn’t going that smooth. But what did he expect? Not like anything else between us has been smooth.

“He’s dating Ruri right now, but he’s had boyfriends in the past.”

“I’ll alert the media.” It’s a sarcastic line I’ve used for ages- probably since I heard it from my parents. Something they’d use to invalidate anything that I thought was a big deal. Using it on Shizuo might have been a mistake though, based on his growl and the way he grabs and twists my wrist with hesitation. I hiss out a curse under my breath, looking around quickly to make sure no one has noticed.

Vorona is magically not paying attention, too wrapped up in completing the worksheet for her group. And Kadota has his back turned to our table. If anyone else notices, they don’t say or do anything.

I try to wrench my wrist out of his grip, but it only leads to it being twisted more. “Don’t even fucking think about talking to those vultures about my brother.” Shizuo growls at me, thankfully keeping his voice soft.

“It was a joke you asshole.” I seethe at him. He obviously doesn’t believe me at first, but I can see his face as he reflects on my tone and body language as I said it. And then he abruptly drops my wrist, looking for a moment like he’s scared. He has reason to be. I could tell a nurse about what he’s done and he’d immediately be back on level one.

I rub my aching joint, looking away from him pointedly. I don’t want to see his face right now.

“I’m…sorry.” Shizuo mumbles. I don’t acknowledge him.

“Hey guys, sorry about that!” Masaomi chooses now to reappear, plopping down as happy as can be. Either he doesn’t feel the dark, tense atmosphere at the table or he’s too pumped up from talking to his friends to care. I frown and take the piece of paper he went to retrieve like ten minutes ago. “So what is it about?”

“Does it matter?” I huff, filling in answers practically without reading the questions. It’s always the same. After six different hospitals, I’d say I’m pretty expert level at bullshitting my way through crappy coping worksheets.

When I’m done I slide it over to Masaomi to do with what he will. I’m a little surprised when he actually starts reading it. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was actually trying to learn from it.

But there’s a line of red beneath a couple of his fingernails that says otherwise. I clear my throat, gesturing for the worksheet. “Take this to Dotachin, won’t you Shizu-chan?”

It’s a question, but the dead eyed stare I give him lets him know that there’s only one real answer. Since he’s still feeling guilty about almost hurting me, he has to do it. He still grumbles as he snatches it and stalks away. The second he goes I turn to Masaomi.

“You’re being pretty careless you know.” I state. He looks surprised. Like full out deer-in-headlights surprised. I tap his fingers, and the way his eyes widen when he realizes what I’m pointing out is actually pretty entertaining. “Where?”

He hesitates, glances around, but then slumps in his seat and admits, “My stomach. And shoulder. And ankle.” He sounds more and more ashamed with each admission. “No one else has noticed.”

“They probably don’t know what to look for.” I scoff. “But still, you need to be careful. Unless this is your cry for help, in which case, be more obvious. Either way, do something different.” I go to stand and leave- after all there’s nothing else for me to do here. Masaomi grabs my hand before I can.

I’m getting really tired of being grabbed today.

“T-Thank you.” He mumbles, eyes down turned and cheeks red. “I know you don’t think you’re a good person, but I think you are.”

I jerk away from him, earning myself another shocked, wide-eyed look. “You don’t know anything about me.” I hiss. He only stares at me. A stare that I feel the entire walk out of the day room. And his isn’t the only one I feel.

But right now I’m too bitter and too tired to care about who else it might be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides in my panic room with my Izaya body pillow* it's over now Izaya...the groping is over...for now...


	10. Night 24-25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This ward puts the 'ass' in assumptions. Unfortunately, that includes Izaya too...

Night 24

Mikado has been throwing up all day. I can hear him heaving all throughout the morning until he falls asleep sometime around lunch. It’s an eerie sound to be stuck on ward with. I’ve never been so motivated to get to level three before now.

Well, except maybe to have less risk of running into Shizuo. He’s still stuck on level two, like me. Which means that when the others leave for gym, I immediate hide in my room. Even though I run the risk of hearing Mikado throwing up more if he wakes up from his nap. I’d rather deal with that than the beast.

I’m passing time reading one of Shinra’s textbooks when someone sits at the end of my bed. I didn’t even notice anyone coming in! Which only makes it more disturbing when I lower the book quickly and find myself staring at Mikado.

“Oh. Hi.” I murmur. He stares silently at me.

I’ve kept an eye on Mikado ever since I got here. I’ve always felt there was something off about him. Well, more off. Compared to the others here, he’s on par with Vorona for how off he is.

He acts differently depending on who he’s talking to- which is pretty normal for humans. But around me, he’s always like this. Eerie and quiet and uncomfortable to be close to.

I close Shinra’s book, debating if I should just make a run for it. Mikado frowns and scoots in closer like he can read my mind. “I don’t like you.” He informs me very bluntly.

“Join the club.” I drawl back, just as blunt.

“You need to stay away from Masaomi.” When the fuck did Masaomi get into this conversation? “I’ve seen the two of you. And I don’t like it. He belongs with Mikado, not you.”

Oh. Oooooh! “What, are you the personality that ships it or something?”

“I’m the personality who will do whatever it takes to make sure Mikado is happy. Including kicking your ass if you get in my way.” He threatens. And when he’s looking at me unblinking like this, I don’t doubt it. Kid is fucking whacked.

“Right. Well, no need. I have no interest in the blondie. He’s all yours.” He clearly does not believe me.

“If you have no interest in him, why do you two end up alone so often?”

“First of all, we’ve talked maybe four times in the whole time I’ve been here. Second of all, he always comes to me, not the other way around. If you have issues, they’re with your boyfriend, not me.” His eyes flash dangerously.

“He’s not my boyfriend, he’s Mikado’s. Only Mikado’s.” The amount of possessiveness that rages through this ward is fucking nuts.

“Yeah, I get it. And to repeat myself- I have no fucking interest in him!”

This time he looks a little more appeased, thankfully. “Good. I’ll be keeping an eye on you though. Just to make sure.” His grin is eerie. Almost as eerie as how fast he moves, lunging forward so his face is suddenly only inches from mine. I want to cringe away, but there’s only the wall behind me. No where I can go.

He grabs my jaw tighter than I honestly thought his noodle arm could manage. I grit my teeth to keep myself from grimacing or flinching. I can’t let myself show weakness with a monster like this.

“If you breathe a word of this to anyone, you’ll regret it.” I already regret it. But I keep that to myself.

“Are you done?” I aim for unimpressed, pleasantly surprised by how dry I sound. Mikado- or rather his alternate personality- frowns.

“For now.” He mutters, dropping his grip on me. He stands and brushes his hands off, like touching me has left his skin dirty. I smirk, which is probably the opposite of what he intended with that. “The name’s Aoba, by the way.” He informs me haughtily.

“Congratulations.” I roll my eyes. He scowls and flounces away, his steps making no noise as he carefully pads out of the room. Creepy.

What the fuck is wrong with the people here? I get that I’m not exactly staying at the Bellagio, but these kids are top tier crazies. None of the other hospitals I’ve gone to have been like this.

I guess that’s the point though. If it was like the others, no one would take it seriously. No one would even try. I know I definitely wouldn’t.

 

Day 25

After I figured out how to scale the wall to get onto the roof, figuring out how to get onto the wall itself was child’s play. And after Kadota found out about the roof- and yelled at me for about an hour straight- the wall seemed like a good compromise. I can still see everything from up here, but it’s not quite as “dangerous” as the roof.

And it’s not as hard to find me when I’m sprawled out on the wall. Which is good for Kadota and the other nurses. Not as good for me.

I’m used to being the one who sees and is not seen. I like hiding in the shadows- gathering information without anyone knowing I’m there. So the fact that anyone at all could walk outside and immediately see me is horrible. It’s even worse because of fucking course it’s Shizuo who does it. No one else is on ward right now, after all.

“What the fuck are you doing up there?” The monster growls, storming across the patio towards me. I hop up from my lazy recline to dance away from his range- just in case he decides to swipe at me.

“I believe the cool kids call it ‘relaxing’.” I drawl down at him, skipping past him when he goes to follow me. “Not that it’s any of your business.”

“Get the fuck down!” Shizuo snaps, lurking just beneath where I’m standing. I roll my eyes before I can stop myself. What kind of an idiot does he take me for?

“I think I’ll stay up here. Safer.” I grin pointedly at him, making a big show of stretching. I’m especially dramatic as I roll my wrists, throwing in a fake wince that makes him cringe a little.

“I said I was sorry, you piece of shit.” He mutters. I shrug.

“I believe you.” Shizuo’s forehead crinkles in obvious confusion. I doubt he was expecting that. My easy agreement must feel like entering into the twilight zone for him. “At least, I believe you’re sorry for yourself.”

The confusion vanishes into rage so fast it feels like I don’t even finish my sentence before he’s glaring at me. I hum contentedly, flouncing down the other side of the wall. He follows along on the ground below me.

“Why do you have to antagonize me all the fucking time?” He demands.

“Honestly I’m not even trying. You’re just extra super easy. You do most of the work for me, really.” None of this is what he wants to hear. He’s just getting more and more worked up. I sigh, pivoting on my heel to walk in the opposite direction again. He keeps following me. Like a dog. Disgusting. “If I antagonize you so much, why do you keep approaching me? Why are you here right now?”

“To make sure your dumb ass doesn’t fall off a wall.” He spits. I laugh, wobbling on the edge of the bricks beneath my feet, just to tease him. He jerks forward, reaching up towards me. I jump away at the last second.

“I don’t fall, Shizu-chan. Believe me, I’ve tried.” I stop pacing, glancing in the direction of my family’s apartment building. I can almost see it from here- in the heart of downtown about thirty minutes away. It’s blocked by a few other buildings, but they’re distinctive enough for me to know what’s hiding just behind them.

A hand snakes around my ankle and pulls, dragging me down off the ledge so harshly I almost twist my other foot trying to maintain my balance. The desperate ploy for stability doesn’t even work, and I come crashing down against Shizuo’s chest with a big ‘oof’.

He shoves me back against the wall the second I have both feet on the ground, caging me in between his arms. I scowl up at him, wanting nothing more than to have one of my switchblades in my hands. But that would be a violation of so many rules.

“Are you going to hit me, Shizu-chan? Now’s your chance. The nurses aren’t out here. No one will know.” I goad him, tipping my head back against the brick behind me. His eyes follow the lines of my throat down to my chest. I wonder if he’s debating the best place to strike.

“I don’t like hurting people.” He grumbles distractedly. Like he’s telling himself more than he’s telling me.

“Ah, but I’m not a person. I’m more like a parasite, right? That’s why you hate me so much. I’m greedy and ungrateful and I push your buttons, right? So hit me, Shizu-chan. I know you want to-”

His palm slaps over my mouth, cutting off the flow of silky taunts. From the way his eyes are alight with fire and rage, I’m guessing he only barely managed to settle for covering my mouth instead of punching it. I wonder if I would lose teeth  if he did punch me.

“Shut. Up.” He growls, tipping his face in so close that I can see the golden speckles in his brown eyes. I demurely lower my own gaze, the picture of contrite innocence that he doesn’t believe for a second. “You’re always talking. And I think it’s because you don’t want people to see what you look like when you’re quiet.”

I don’t like where he’s going with this. I squirm a little, shoving at his chest and trying to pry his hand off my mouth. He doesn’t budge an inch.

“I’ve seen it though. I’ve seen how sad you look when you think no one is watching. And that’s why I don’t think you’re as much of an asshole as you pretend to be.”

I manage to get some of his skin between my teeth and bite hard. He grunt and squeezes his palm tighter around my lips, but doesn’t let go.

“So stop pissing me off just because you think you need to pretend to be some untouchable god. I’m tired of it. And I think you are too.” My nails dig in deep against the skin of his shoulder. He snatches my wrist to pin it to the wall near my head. I whine, thoroughly tired of being manhandled. Something softens in his face.

Shizuo slowly starts to pull his hand away from my mouth, but keeps it curled around my jaw just in case. I try to jerk away, but he keeps a firm grip so I have to keep my face pointed towards his.

“Let me go, you beast.” I hiss. His scowl isn’t nearly as satisfying as it usually is. Mostly because I don’t want to annoy him. I don’t want to make him mad. I just want him to let me go.

“No.” He states firmly. “Because whatever the fuck is wrong between us needs to stop. I’m done feeling like I’m not in control of myself just because you fucking smirk at me.”

“That’s your issue, not mine!” I shout before I can stop myself. “I never…fuck! I needed this time to be different! I didn’t want anything to do with you! Why can’t you just fucking pretend I don’t exist like everyone else in my life?!”

He looks like I’ve just slapped him. And as angry as I am right now, it takes my brain a few seconds to review what I’ve said so I can realize why. I feel the blood drain from my face at the slip in my mask- or rather, the Grand Canyon-sized crack in it. I’m such a fucking idiot! What is it about Shizuo that makes me so dumb?!

“What did you just say?” He demands gruffly.

“None of your fucking business.” I snarl defensively.

“No, I was right. You do have actual fucking problems you try to hide, don’t you?”

“Of course I do, you animal, why else would I be in a place like this? Do you think this is a vacation for me or something? How much of an idiot are you?” He’s not rising to the petty name calling I’m throwing at him. It’s irritating, because it makes me feel small instead of the other way around.

“Hey.” Shizuo mumbles, to silence me. I glare up at him, but hold my tongue. “I’m not gonna let you go off and sulk just because I can see through you more than the others can. If you’re gonna be pissed at me, at least do it because of something valid. Like the fact that I’m violent or quick-tempered. But you don’t get to hate me just because I can see you.”

“And you don’t get to tell me why I can and cannot hate you.” I spit.

He looks at me with heavy consideration for an unreasonably long time before shrugging. At first I think he’s admitting defeat. But then, faster than I’d give him credit for, he’s leaning in and pressing his lips against mine.

Even though I’ve been recently kissed by not one, but two people, this catches me off guard. Mostly because of how different it is. When Erika and Walker were kissing me, I knew they were feeling something, but I also knew it was for each other and not me. I was basically a battery to charge their sexual desires for each other.

I’m not sure what Shizuo is feeling. And that’s terrifying. But also…exciting in a way. Because he’s pretty into it, teasing my lips with his tongue until I part them. And with the granted access, he’s slow and thorough to explore my mouth. He’s actually…a surprisingly good kisser. Not that I care! Because I don’t!

The only reason I opened my mouth was because I’m in shock and he’s a brute and I don’t want to antagonize him while I’m vulnerable like this! That’s the only fucking reason!

I whine in discontent when he just keeps kissing me, and he slowly pulls away. There’s no righteous victory on his face, or anything like that. He looks almost embarrassed. But he steels his expression and holds his head high while I feel myself openly gaping at him.

“If you want to hate me for something, hate me for that. Because I’m not going to apologize for it. And I damn well liked it.” He informs me, proud as can be. I blink at him, willing my brain to process faster. Even if it’s just a little bit.

“Why did you do that?” I ask, a little too breathlessly. He shrugs again, a warm blush rising to his cheeks.

“I dunno, I wanted to. I’ve been wanting to. Even before I saw those two doing it, but especially because of that.” He admits awkwardly, a fine blush rising in his cheeks. Boy did that plan backfire on me. “And you looked so upset that I thought it might help somehow?” He laughs here, short and totally self-depreciating. “Course, it didn’t help anything really.”

I stare at him, honestly speechless. There’s not a lot of people in the world who can say they’ve left me speechless. Shizuo should feel honored. But he doesn’t, and he never will, because I’ll never tell him that.

“Did you hate it?” He asks me, suddenly nervous. It’s such a stupid worry- such a human concern- that I start to laugh before I can stop myself. He looks confused for a few seconds, but his face melts into insulted the longer I laugh. “You can just say ‘no’, you don’t have to laugh at me, you prick.”

“ _ _That’s__ what you’re worried about?! Not that I’m going to tell the nurses, or that your crazy girlfriend will find out? But you’re nervous that I didn’t like it?!” He blushes again, his lips pursing so hard it makes it look like a pout. Which makes me laugh harder.

“Fuck, shut up!” He finally yells, ducking to steal the laughter from my lips with his own. His grip that’s stayed so fierce on my wrist drops now to circle around the back of my neck and hold me in place, so that he can move the hand he’s had on my jaw out of his way. It was making things a little awkward for him as he practically tongue fucks my mouth.

I could probably wriggle away from this. He would probably let me go this time, if I tried. But I dunno…there’s something different about this than when I made out with Erika and Walker. It’s different than any of the kisses I had before too. And it’s different than any other interaction I’ve had with Shizuo before.

Even though he’s clearly in control right now- he has all of the physical advantage between the two of us- it’s also clear that I really hold the power. I could stop this at any time, in numerous ways. I could hold this over his head the entire rest of my stay here. I could fuck him over in so many ways.

So in a way, we both have the high ground right now. It’s super weird. But not…unpleasant. I don’t hate it as much as I thought I did just a few minutes ago. The longer he kisses me, the more I actually…kinda like it.

“Are you gonna tell anyone?” He murmurs against my lips.

I think about teasing him. The longer I’m silent, the more nervous he starts to look. I could probably make him drop to his knees and beg me for my mercy if I played my cards right. But that doesn’t feel right in this situation.

I’ve never been a very moral person, but even I know this isn’t something you fuck around with. This is emotional and messy and if I did try to twist this, it would get really, really fucking twisted.

And that’s just the logical reasons not to play with it. I don’t want to admit it, but I also just…don’t want to do that to him. He’s an asshole, and he’s been making my life hellish since I came here- intentionally and otherwise. But Shizuo’s also really interesting. A little temperamental and rash, but I’m sure that’s to do with some kind of bad bipolar disorder that might be able to be treated.

And fuck, he’s always been in my brain. Since day one. Maybe that means I like him?

“No. I’m not.” I whisper back. And he’s kissing me again before I can even breathe.

I’m gonna say that’s the reason I’m so breathless right now. It feels better than admitting it’s just because this whole situation is so far out of my control. Even though I hold so much power, it’s out of my control entirely.

But for once, I don’t think I mind not being in control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did somebody ask for Mikado to somehow be more creepy??? Cuz i think i heard it from the back!   
> No take backs! Bye!


	11. Day 26-30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Go to the gym, they said. It'll be fun, they said. But what's the point of running laps if you can't run from your own emotional turmoil at the same time, am I right?

Day 26

“So how have things been?” It’s an oddly relaxed question for Shiki to start with. He’s usually a lot more hard hitting. But this still feels like a heavy question, just because so much has happened in the last two days since I saw him.

I’ve been threatened by the alternate personality of a fourteen year old. I slipped and let a fraction of my issues show to the last person I ever wanted to see them. I was then kissed by that person- a lot. It’s been a busy couple of days for me. But I can’t tell Shiki about any of it.

I shrug. “Pretty standard.” He eyes me carefully, looking for a sign that I’m lying. I keep my face as carefully blank as possible.

“Is that the same expression you wear when you’re manipulating people?” He asks at long last. My brow raises in surprise.

“Oh no. I look much more charming when I’m manipulating people.” I assure him. He grunts unhappily, probably trying to remember if I’ve ever been charming to him. “Are you worried that you’re being manipulated, Dr. Shiki?”

“Not particularly. I like to believe we’ve formed a bond of trust over the last month.” He admits easily. “But since we’ve never talked about this particular habit of yours, I have no basis for comparison.”

“Is that your clever shrink way of asking me to open up about my problematic pastime?” I drawl. Shiki blinks, obviously unwilling to admit that yes, that was exactly what he was doing. “Honestly what is there to talk about? Most people are manipulative assholes at one point in their life or another.”

“Most people don’t call it their pastime, or escalate it to an art form.” He deadpans, leaning forward to link his hands on his desk. “How did it start?”

“The same way most of my issues started- a desperate ploy for attention that I ended up liking and clinging to.” I try to sound as impassive as possible. At this point I have to consider if that’s my giveaway to him. He always seems to see through me when I try it.

“So you intended to get your parents attention.”

“And it worked, just not the right kind of attention. When you get expelled for the first time before you even hit middle school, I guess that’s problematic, not noteworthy.”

“But despite your plan backfiring, you continued abusing your power over the people around you. Which in turn only made you appear worse and worse in your parent’s eyes.”

“Look at you taking logical leaps!” I goad. He only frowns, as usual not falling to my low level. I keep trying, but he’s impossible to unsettle.

“Does it make you feel powerful to manipulate other people?” He demands, staring at me so intently I feel like he’s actually burning a hole through me. I shift a little, but fall still the second I remind myself that he’s looking for things like that to see what has an effect on me.

Still, sitting peacefully when I feel anything but peaceful is difficult.

“Yes. And no.” I murmur. His eyebrow raises.

“Would you care to elaborate on that at all?” Shiki suggests. I think about it. And I think some more. It would be good for me, probably, to get this all out. Like a wound being cleaned and maybe healed. But at the same time, it’s too much too fast.

This entire hospital stay has been a steady stream of rubbing alcohol on an open cut, and right now things are especially raw in my brain. Sometimes I just reach a line and I can’t cross it- especially if it would be good for me.

Luckily, I have a pretty chill shrink. When I shake my head, he purses his lips in discontent, but he doesn’t try to force me to talk. He just nods after a moment and flips through his notes to look for something else to talk about.

I’m sure we’ll return to this subject eventually, and it’ll be no easier to talk about it then either. But damn, I’m not even a third of the way through this stupid stay yet. I think I’m allowed to pump the breaks.

Whether or not Shiki agrees with me, he allows it. And for me, that’s a pretty cool move. The begrudging respect I have for him only grows, unfortunately.

If I start to respect him any more, I might have to admit that I actually like him as a psychiatrist! And then where would we be?

 

Day 30

“Heard you got moved to level three today.” Namie looks pretty pleased by this. Which honestly makes me a little scared. Not that I would ever admit it to her, of course.

“Guess so.” I agree. Honestly I don’t care about reaching level three. And I’m not sure why Shiki decided it was a good time to move me now. Maybe it’s just because I’ve officially been here for a month. It’s starting to feel really domestic and familiar here. I hate it. But there’s really nothing I can do about it.

“You’re not gonna fuck it up again, are you?” She demands with a sharp elbow to my side. I shove her away.

“You know why I had to do that last time.” I hiss with a sullen scowl towards Vorona. Who, as usual, is cuddling up to Shizuo on a couch across the room. She’s got her arm looped through his, and her head resting on his shoulder while she watches some Animal Planet documentary about deadly animals. Figures.

Shizuo used to look so oblivious when she did things like this. Now he looks downright uncomfortable. And I think it’s because I pointed it out to him. His dumb ass was actually unaware of Vorona’s intentions until he started putting his tongue in my mouth any chance he could get.

At first I allowed it purely for the novelty of it. But after the third time I had to take stock of everything and put my foot down. Because there’s no way I’m getting involved with someone who can’t even figure out that a sociopath has basically marked him as her own.

As I’m staring at them, Shizuo glances at me. And for a split second something alarmingly like longing crosses his face. But then it hardens into a frown and I duck my face away. I don’t need him to guilt trip me just because I’m protecting myself. And I don’t need him to kiss me all the time either. I don’t need him at all.

“So you gonna tell me what’s been going on lately? You keep doing this thing where you get all awkward and your face gets angry and pinched. It’s way too much emotion for your standard deal. It’s uncomfortable.” Namie mutters.

“For you and me both.” I huff right back. “Just shit with the resident monster. Nothing important.”

“I thought he was supposed to be leaving you alone. Isn’t that why you sucked face with the terror twins? To get him to step off?” She sounds impatient with all of this. Like it’s a really confusing drama show she doesn’t even want to hear about in the first place. Which…is actually pretty close to the truth.

For how dramatic Namie can be, she doesn’t like drama. Yet another thing I can relate with.

“Guess it didn’t work.” I mutter, standing abruptly.

“Where are you going? We have gym in like five minutes.” Namie demands, tugging at the bottom of my sweater. I bat her hand away.

“I’m just going pee.” She makes a disgusted face that I can’t help but to smirk at. It’s her own fault after all. She’s so nosy sometimes. But she lets me go without complaint for once, and I slink out of the day room without meet anyone’s eyes.

Kadota usually hangs out in the day room when it’s free time- doing his notes or a puzzle or something. So the nurses’ station is held down by Tom or Chikage most of the time. Today it’s Chikage.

“Hey there Izaya.” The nurse smiles at me over his computer monitor. I give him a weak half smile in return. “Something on your mind?”

“I can’t exactly opt out of gym, can I?” I suppose. His gaze focuses a little more intently on me, looking for any early warnings of something being wrong.

“Well we can’t exactly force you to participate, but unless you’re injured or sick we do need to insist you go with us to the gym, at least.” He tells me sympathetically. I nod, gazing off in the distance beside his face for a few moments. “Are you feeling okay? Why don’t you want to go to the gym?”

“Hmm? Oh, no reason.” I lie with a chipper smile. He doesn’t believe me, but when I walk away he doesn’t call me back or anything. I wander to my room and flop down on my bed.

I like to run. I like to feel my lungs burn with overexertion. Being so sedate for so long has been pretty hard on me. But I don’t want to be stuck in an indoor gym with a bunch of crazy kids. Especially when those kids include Shizuo and Vorona.

I don’t want to see Vorona doting over a sweat covered Shizuo anymore than I want to see a sweat covered Shizuo. They’ll be a distraction from the catharsis of activity at best. At worst they’ll completely ruin it for me, in some creative way or another.

And they’re not the only threat. I’m sure Namie will want me to lurk with her somewhere, and Shinra might try to bother me too. Who knows if Walker and Erika will be clingy today. It’s always a toss up with them.

I just want to run. I’ve waited a long time to get to level three. But now that I’m here, it feels more like a punishment. Dangling what I want in front of my face, but pairing it with the knowledge that I’ll probably never have it. I’d rather stay on ward all the time than deal with this. Ugh.

“Yo Izaya, it’s that time. Line up with everyone please.” There’s a knock on my door as Kadota sticks his head in my room. I give a vague grunt of acknowledgement, and he chuckles in his throat before wandering off.

Forcing myself to my feet takes a lot of muttering and bitching, even though there’s no one else in my room to hear it. I make my way slowly down the hall towards the line, slipping in place beside Namie. She gives me a weird look, but shrugs and talks quietly with Ruri on her other side. Must be nice to have a roommate like Ruri, instead of someone like Shinra.

I peer behind me where my roommate’s boisterous voice is coming from. He’s talking off Vorona’s ear, and strangely enough she looks like she’s paying rapt attention. I know she likes to absorb as much information as possible, and Shinra is basically a walking encyclopedia. But still, that’s a weird friendship that I never expected or imagined.

In any case, her focus being entirely on Shinra means that Shizuo is free for once. And how is he using his freedom? To stare straight into my very soul, of course. I groan and turn away, even though all I have going for me in this direction is Namie’s back.

Still the better option.

Once Kadota’s done with the count, he opens the door and Chikage takes the lead towards the gym. It’s past the cafeteria- which is as far as I’ve been up to now. We actually go past the door leading out to the reception room and continue down another hall, into totally new territory.

Finally Chikage stops in front of some double doors that he unlocks and holds open for us. The second everyone is inside, they’re running to various corners of the gym. Even Namie completely abandons me for the volleyball that’s buried in a bucket. She and Ruri wander to a secluded side of the floor to practice receiving, it looks like. She doesn’t even glance back at me.

Which is…really nice. I think about running for a few seconds, but there really isn’t a good place where I could just run unimpeded. It would be more like doing an obstacle course, and it’s hard to work up a good sprint when I’m constantly worrying about dodging things and people. So the tiny bit of hope fizzles out before it can even really get going. I feel myself deflating a little.

“Izaya my dude, wanna play ping pong with us?” Walker gestures to the corner of the room where a table is set up. Erika is already toting Saburo along towards it, while Walker lingers by me.

“I’m no good at it.” I brush him off. He shrugs and wanders on, stopping to ask Shinra if he’s down. This time he gets a more positive answer, Shinra bounces away from the ball bucket like a freaking rocket to join them. I sigh.

“Would you like to join us instead?” I jump a little, turning wide eyed towards Vorona. I’m expecting Shizuo to be right behind her, but the ‘us’ she was referring to is evidently her, Anri, Mika, Mikado, and Masaomi. I don’t see Shizuo anywhere actually. “We are going to go through a yoga routine.”

“Oh. Thanks, but I’ll pass for today.” I tell her, hoping not to offend her highness. She only nods silently, leading her posse away.

It’s weird to see her detached from her obsession. Where did the monster get to anyway?

I wander around a little, looking at the different options available. There’s a basketball hoop and some bundled up nets pushed to the side of the room- probably for tennis or volleyball. Every variety of sports ball is in one of three buckets, which also have some rackets of different shapes and sizes. There’s jump ropes, some beanbags, a pile of yoga mats to accommodate at least five other people potentially being able to join Vorona’s routine.

Some of the schools I’ve been to haven’t been this well supplied. I haven’t even browsed the supply closet yet, this is all just the stuff they leave out!

I’m reaching for the handle to the closet when I glance around again and spy a glass door to another little room. There’s a lot of weights in it, and a lot of machines meant for strength training. Chikage is sitting on one of them doing a crossword- I think- while Shizuo does pull ups on a bar. Our eyes meet for a few seconds before he drops down from the bar, onto his feet.

I slip into the supply closet without another second of hesitation, heading straight for a small dark corner tucked away from immediate sight and hidden by a shelf. I don’t know why I’m hiding exactly. I’m not afraid of Shizuo, per say. But I feel better huddled up away from where anyone could easily see me.

Even with the small sense of security, I still tense up when the door opens. It shuts with a loud thunk that ricochets around the small room. As do each of the intruder’s heavy footsteps.

“Izaya.” Shizuo’s voice is low enough for me to feel it. But I can’t peek at him without giving away my position. “I saw you come in here. Where the fuck are you?” He adds bitterly, closer now.

I bite at my lower lip, debating my options. He’s gonna find me eventually, it’s not that big of a room. But the longer he has to look, the more irritated he’ll probably get. Which could be amusing. But could also be detrimental to my health when he does eventually find me.

I don’t have much longer to think about it either way. Shizuo’s fist twists in my sweater and drags me out of my hiding hole. I’m shoved face first into the wall, and Shizuo has no problem keeping me there with what feels like the entire front of his body connecting to every inch of my back.

“Found you.” He growls in my ear, his hands cupping either of my hips. Trying to push him off is like trying to push away another wall.

“Congratulation, did you want a medal?” I drawl. Shizuo chuckles darkly into the crook of my neck. Worry hits me like a baseball bat, and for good reason. It’s less than two seconds later that he digs his teeth into my skin.

His hand comes up to snap over my mouth in premature expectation of my yelp. Which unfortunately I’m unable to contain. It’s already slipping from my mouth before I can even think to hold it in.

“Wha- What the fuck, Shizu-chan?” I growl through the hand on my lips. I know he understands me though, he pulls away from the bite to lick soothingly at the indents of his teeth.

“It’s not exactly gold, but it’s round. That’s good enough for a medal, don’t you think?” He purrs, obviously pleased with himself.

“Have you no tact, you monster?” I whine, reaching up to touch the bite mark. He catches my wrist and brings my hand to his lips to press a kiss into my palm. I duck my face as well as I can while being so intimately acquainted with the wall. “What if your little girlfriend found out? Then where would we be?”

“Vorona is not my girlfriend.” Shizuo rumbles, and continues kissing and licking at my hand and fingers. It’s a completely random thing to find sensual, but when his tongue moves so slowly over my digits it creates butterflies in my stomach no matter how hard I try to get rid of them.

“Tell __her__ that. I dare you.” I scoff a dry laugh. He grumbles unhappily, pulling away without warning only to flip me around towards him.

“If I did, would you date me?” His face is so serious, I almost want to laugh at him. But the laugh that does leave my lips isn’t ridicule, it’s disbelief.

“I don’t do dating, Shizu-chan. And even if I did, why on earth should I date someone who hates me?”

“Who said I hate you?” He immediately demands.

“Every interaction we’ve had since I came here.” I deadpan. He flushes, likely from embarrassment, and leans in to press his forehead against mine. I can’t help but to roll my eyes at the unnecessarily cheesy move.

“I’m not good at controlling my temper. You piss me off a lot. But I don’t hate you.” He tells me gently, like it’s his love confession. Hell, maybe it is in his crazy head.

“How romantic.” I sigh, turning my face away. He kisses my jaw.

“So if I told Vorona, would you date me?” His insistence is almost cute. If it wasn’t so terrifying, it would be positively adorable.

“No. She can’t know about any of this. Sociopaths do not respond well to losing control of their pawns.” My stomach sinks just thinking about it. Shizuo kisses my cheek like he can sense my unease. “She could ruin everything.”

“Then she won’t know. I promise.”

“You’re clearly as oblivious about the gossip network as you are about everything else.” I sigh heavily. Shizuo growls, grabbing my jaw to bring my lips to his own.

“You’re such an ass.” He mutters against my mouth.

“That doesn’t stop you from sticking your tongue in me.” I snort derisively. The faintest blush lights up his cheeks.

“Fuck you.”

“You wish.”

He kisses me hard to shut me up. He has to know how difficult it is to get the last word with me by now. But he still tries. It’s almost cute.

Instead of fighting verbally- which he’s sorely ill equipped to do- Shizuo has to try to kiss me into submission. And he’s a pretty good kisser, but no one’s that good. I’ll cling to my pride until the day I die.

“Go out with me.” Shizuo all but orders. I scoff.

“No. We literally can’t go five minutes without insulting one another. You have to kiss me to stop yourself from punching me. That’s not what I would call healthy.” I point out sharply.

“We’re not healthy anyway, that’s why we’re stuck here.” He immediately insists. “Go out with me.”

“No.” I groan. He kisses me again, not satisfied with my answer.

“I’m not gonna stop asking.” Shizuo warns me, rubbing his thumb in circles across my cheek. Sadly, I believe him.

“I’m not going to date you.” I put as much power into the words as possible. He only stares levelly at me. I sigh and throw my head back against the wall. There really is no winning with him. “But I guess, if your boner for me is really so pressing, we can keep doing this. Making out or whatever.”

Shizuo tips my face back down, and he’s smiling the most ridiculous smile as he kisses me this time. He’s fucking ridiculous.

“No one can know.” I remind him softly.

“No one will.”

I can only hope that’s true. At this point, I’m not sure what I’d do if people found out. But whatever it would be, I know it wouldn’t be good.

And right now, being bad comes at too great of a price.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know if there's any tags i need to add! it's currently 2 AM as i make this draft, and in the morning when i post it, i will be no more alert than i am now. so yeah...i'm too tired to think for myself.   
> Hope you're enjoying this wild ride of a fic! Catch ya next time!


	12. Night 33-38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wheel up to the club like, 'what up, i'm here to start shit!'

Night 33

It’s about an hour after dinner when the new girl arrives. She’s wheeled into the day room, and a hush falls over all of us with her appearance. Simon maneuvers her wheelchair over to a good place in the room so she can see the TV- which again is playing Animal Planet, thanks to Vorona.

I’m much more interested in the animals around me. More particularly, their reactions to this new arrival.

Both her legs are broken- in casts from the knee down. And because of it, no one seems to know what to say or how to interact with her. So she just sits there, looking painfully awkward and pretending not to notice how much empty space there is around her.

It’s hilarious. They’re all unbearably curious about her, but none of them will suck it up and talk to her to satiate the curiosity. I chuckle to myself, and Namie shoots me a glare.

“What’s funny about this?” She demands in a hushed tone.

“Are you not seeing the dim humans you’re surrounded by?” I drawl back. She shoots a sharp gaze around the room, taking in how uncomfortable everyone is. But she still doesn’t seem to get it. Oh well.

I smile at her, then stand and wander over to the empty armchair beside the new girl.

She’s obviously surprised when I sit down, but she also looks relieved. And awe struck. I’m sure she’s not used to people treating her like a human anymore. Most of my followers were like this.

They treated any positive interaction like a blessing from the gods. That’s why it was so easy to manipulate them. I’m sure this girl would be a great mindless pawn. If I was still interested in any of that, that is. Which I’m not. Of course not.

“What’s your name?” I ask her after a minute.

“Saki.” She tells me. “What’s yours?”

“Izaya.” She nods, and we both pretend to watch the TV for a minute. Most people are taking not so secretive glances at us, waiting for something to happen. The longer nothing happens, the more edgy they get. Which only makes it that much more entertaining.

“Thanks. For sitting with me.” Saki mumbles a minute later.

“No problem.” I shrug casually. It really is no problem. Considering how much fun I’m having at the others’ expense just from sitting here. And Saki seems…well, desperate. But all my followers did.

When free time rolls to an end, and Simon comes to shepherd us off to gym again, Saki smiles at me. I give her the closest thing to an innocent smile I can manage and file out the door with Namie.

“What the fuck was that about?” She demands, glaring suspiciously at me. I know I’m not exactly a shining beacon of trust, but honestly, does she have to treat me like a criminal?

I shrug casually. “Just being friendly.”

She doesn’t believe me for a moment. Which is fair, since I did in fact have real, less-than-innocent motives. Making everyone else in the room uncomfortable does outweigh making Saki feel welcome, but like hell I’ll admit that. Least of all to Namie, since she was one of the uncomfortable people.

“Did you ask what happened to her legs?” Shinra demands, appearing out of thin air beside me. He’s like a goddamn ghost sometimes.

“No, unlike some people, I’m not blatantly rude.” I patronize him. He pouts, but doesn’t argue with me. He accepted his rudeness a long time ago, after all. But he doesn’t have time to worry about being pleasant when he has such interesting hallucinations to think about instead- or at least that’s what he told me.

“I think it was kind of you, to sit with her.” Vorona is even more unsettling than Shinra, creeping up on people without even trying. She’s just so fucking quiet, so naturally. I hate it.

“It’s not a big deal.” I try to insist. Shizuo has wandered over behind Vorona, looking very put out. I avoid his gaze entirely.

“So you really expect us to believe you sat with her out of the goodness of your shriveled up heart?” Namie sighs with a heavy roll of her eyes.

“Well don’t excite yourself too much, but yeah, that’s what I expect you to believe.” I huff, sliding down the wall a little to try and escape the gathering. It doesn’t work. They’re like sharks, circling in the bloody water.

“It’s not cuz she reminds you of your servants or whatever?” Shinra proposes, getting dangerously close to hitting the mark actually. I stick my nose up in the air, trying to communicate even a little of the disgust I’m feeling.

“I don’t need servants here.” I tell him bluntly. Because if I said that I didn’t need them period, I know there’s no way they’d believe me.

Ironically, they think I’m more of an asshole when I pretend not to be an asshole at all.

“You do have to admit she seemed like the type though. At least from what you told me.” Shinra continue, oblivious to my hints.

“Well I think she’s cute.” Masaomi decides to worm his way into the conversation as well. And Mikado comes with him, hot on his heels. I avoid looking at the black haired boy directly as well.

“Oh yeah, super cute.” Shinra agrees.

“She does have a certain innocence about her.” Vorona piles on sagely.

“She seemed weird.” Shizuo grunts, pulling everyone’s attention to him. I can’t help but to feel grateful. Even though I know he’s just being his dumb self, saying it how it is. He’s not trying to take the attention away from me, it was just a lucky side effect of him being a dumbass.

Still, at least I can breathe for a few moments.

“Weird?” Vorona repeats curiously.

“I dunno, like…she just didn’t seem right.” He shrugs helplessly, clearly unable to string together real human words into a proper explanation.

“None of us are ‘right’ here.” Namie drawls savagely. Shizuo growls in his throat. He doesn’t like Namie. And the feeling is mutual.

“There’s something weird about her.” Shizuo repeats, and then stoically stares off towards the doors of the unit. Namie gives me a look, which mirrors the way Masaomi glances at Mikado. Vorona watches all of this and her lips curve down at the corners. Obviously she’s not thrilled that her boytoy is being patronized without anyone even speaking.

“It is quite impossible to fully gauge a person based on first appearances. Of all of us, Izaya is the only one who could accurately make assumptions.” She states knowingly. Which would be nice and all. If it didn’t land me back in the spotlight.

“Well? Is she weird, Izaya?” Shinra asks, crowding in close for a few seconds before Shizuo grabs him by the collar to jerk him back.

“Namie said it best. We’re all weird here.” I try to insist. No one really listens to me. They all kinda shrug and start whispering to each other in little groups. Except Vorona and Shizuo, who are both staring at me with varying levels of interest. My skin feels like it’s crawling under the attention.

It’s a relief when Simon and Egor finally get us moving towards the gym. I need a little stress relief right now. I wish I could just run until my legs feel like jelly under me.

It’ll never happen, of course. Even if I had the space to run, I don’t have the ability to evade Shizuo. He always finds some hidden corner of the gym to pull me away from prying eyes.

I wish I really minded it. It would make my whining so much more authentic if I didn’t actually like him sucking on my tongue the whole hour.

But he never needs to know that. No one does.

Just like no one needs to know how unhinged the new girl really is beneath her soft smile. People like her are always cracked. And boy, is Saki cracked. That much I’m already certain of.

 

Night 36

“I like Saki.” I don’t even look up at Masaomi after his announcement. I don’t think he would appreciate my utterly unimpressed scowl.

“Of course you do.” I murmur, skimming the magazine in my hands disinterestedly. Masaomi snatches it away impatiently, grabbing my hand before I can even compute how forward he’s being.

“So what should I do? Cuz I’m kinda with Mikado, but he’s kinda with Anri, who’s kinda with Erika, and-”

“First of all.” I interrupt with a deadly edge to my voice that stops his rambling cold. I jerk my hand away from him. “I’m getting really fucking tired of people touching me without my permission.”

Masaomi blushes brilliant red, deflating where he sits opposite of me at the picnic bench. “Sorry.” He mumbles.

“Second of all, why is this my problem?” I demand, fully irritated by now.

“Well, it’s not. I just…hoped you’d be able to give me advice.” He explains awkwardly, not meeting my eyes. Good. That’s how it should be.

“No. I give horrible advice. I will literally destroy your life if you listen to my advice.” I sigh with a flippant wave. “Besides, this sounds like relationship shit, which I’m extra special bad at. Go ask the murder twins, or the lovesick psycho I room with. Or better yet, tell your shrink. I’m sure Dr. Shiki would love to lay out all the reasons why dating a fellow patient is a bad idea.”

Not that I have any room to judge. But it’s not my fault that Shizuo is even more stubborn than I could have imagined. Nothing I do deters him! It’s exhausting!

“But like everyone here is in a relationship.” Masaomi points out unnecessarily.

“Yes, and our whole ward is dysfunctional because of it.” I dismiss.

“Please, Izaya! I need advice really bad!” He brushes over my cynicism. Fuck, what will it take to make people leave me the fuck alone?! Bad advice?! Fine!

“Ugh, if you like her, tell her. Mikado has Anri, so why not? Just don’t blame me if your crazy crush ends up screwing you over in the long run!” I warn him. I just do not want to get wrapped up in the inevitably messy ending of this situation.

“You really think I should tell her?” Masaomi is only getting the summary of this discussion. He’s frighteningly good at ignoring literally everything else I say. Which is frustrating.

I stand to leave, and he lurches to grab my hand again. I snatch it away before he can, and he flushes again- seeming to remember that I’m thoroughly done with being touched without my express permission.

“S-Sorry, I just…don’t know who else to talk to about this. I don’t…trust the others.” He tells me solemnly. I roll my eyes.

“And you trust me? Really? That’s how lives get ruined.” I deadpan.

“But you always tell me the truth!” He objects immediately. I hate that he’s actually right. When did I end up like this? So disgustingly honest?

“You want the truth? Your boyfriend is nuts, and your crush is nutter butters. Either way, the people you’re choosing to love are crazy, and it’s not good for you. But because you’re whacked too, I guess it doesn’t matter to you. So do whatever you want. If you like Saki, tell her. Or don’t. But don’t pretend it’s because of Mikado, because he has options too. If he’s allowed to have options, so are you.”

He looks star struck by my words. It’s ridiculous. Maybe he and Saki are perfect for each other. They both seem the type that I would use and throw away if I could. Pitiful.

This time when I walk away, he doesn’t stop me. Maybe he finally heard what he wanted from me. I wish more people were like that.

Hell, I wish I knew what Shizuo wanted from me. As it stands right now, he just keeps seeking me out. No matter how nasty I am to him, or how often I give in and let him kiss me or touch me. What kind of monster has a never ending want like that?

Then again, what kind of freak indulges it? I don’t exactly have room to judge. Not when I’m clearly the more messed up of the two of us.

Visiting hours are almost over, which sucks because it’s pretty much the only alone time I have anymore. Now that I’m on level three, I have the “option” of participating in everything. Which basically means I have to participate or I’m stuck here for even longer, because voluntary social exclusion is apparently bad.

But I value my alone time, above all else really. So having to give up all my free time to either Namie or Shizuo is annoying. But I guess it’s my own fault. I was the one who sought Namie out. And Shizuo…I dunno, he says it’s my fault too, that he likes me. At this point, I guess I believe him.

So these days I’m left with shower time, bed time, and visitor hour to myself. And Masaomi doesn’t always respect that latter one- clearly. I guess I do feel a little bad for him- stuck on ward without a visitor night after night while most everyone else goes to the cafeteria to fawn over loved ones. But he’s not my issue. I don’t have to take care of him. And I don’t want to.

I only have about thirty minutes left before my demon roommate and all the others come back. I walk into my room- fully intending to spend that time staring at the ceiling. My feet stall immediately when I look up and make eye contact.

Saki. In my room. Waiting expectantly by my bed. Great.

“Hi.” She murmurs softly, with a shy smile. I fight back a groan of dismay.

“Are you here to tell me you have a crush on Masaomi?” I ask dryly, leaning against my desk. Saki cocks her head to the side, confusion creasing her forehead.

“Masaomi? The blond kid?” She sounds as confused as she looks.

“Never mind.” I wave dismissively. “What do you want?”

Saki awkwardly looks down at her hands, biting her lip in what’s probably supposed to be coyness. “I um…like you.”

Mother of god, what is wrong with this ward?

Any other time I would take full advantage of this situation. It would be so easy to manipulate her, to cause mayhem using her emotions. But not this time. “I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same.” I tell her bluntly. She cringes.

“I know. B-But, I can still do stuff for you. I-I’ll blow you, if you want.”

“Blowing me isn’t a replacement for emotional intimacy, Saki. And anyway, I’m not interested. I’m sorry, but you’re not my type.” I need to get this through her head. She bites her lip again.

“I understand.” She says that, but I’m not sure I believe her. She’s still just sitting here, after all. “If you change your mind, I’ll do whatever you want, Izaya.” She tells me, rolling her chair a little closer. I almost want to climb on top of my desk to evade her. But that would be a little dramatic.

“Noted.” I give her a tense smile. She lights up at the sight of it. Fuck. “Goodnight.” I deadpan.

“Um…goodnight.” Saki pouts a little, wheeling her way towards my door. She glances back three times before she leaves my room. It’s a breath of fresh air when she’s finally gone.

Things were weird enough around here before Saki arrived. But in the last twenty minutes alone, she’s been responsible for disrupting my life twice! I get the feeling it won’t be for the last time either.

Once Masaomi finds out that Saki isn’t interested in him, he might be upset. But I guess he’ll just run back to Mikado to cry on his shoulder.

Whatever, it’s not my business. I want no part of any of that.

Unfortunately, most of the time what I want and what happens don’t exactly match up. One of the joys of being me.

 

Day 38

“Hey, Izaya.” Shizuo whispers it, even though we’re the only ones in the day room right now. Not even a nurse lingers to keep an eye on us. It’s crazy to me that situations like this just happen without anyone meddling. But chance can often be more powerful than even I am.

“What?” I sigh, pretending to be uninterested. A few seconds later he’s lifting my chin to press a kiss against my lips. I jerk back. “Not here.”

“But we’re alone.” He points out unnecessarily.

“You’re very observant. But the door’s wide open. Anyone could walk in.” Or roll in. Saki has been suspiciously close by over the last few days. It feels like every time I turn around I catch a glimpse of her. I take a paranoid peek at the doorway, but there’s no one there. For now anyway.

“Then let’s go to my room.” Shizuo insists, sneaking another quick kiss while my attention is on the door. I shove at his face, but he doesn’t even inch back.

“No.” I growl, scooching down on the couch to put some space between us. He follows after me.

“Why you gotta be like this?” He asks, like I’m putting him through so much.

“Me? Seriously?” I huff. Shizuo shrugs, cupping my chin. He comes towards me with intention, and I turn my face at the last second so his lips hit my cheek instead. “You’re the one who can’t control himself for even a few minutes.”

“Yeah, you’ve mentioned that before.” He purrs casually. He’s still after my mouth though, so he’s not really paying attention to the conversation.

“Can you stop trying to eat me for like a second?” I grumble, pushing at his shoulder. Reluctantly he allows a little breathing room. “I need boundaries, Shizu-chan.” Now he grimaces.

“I’m not good at that.” He admits bluntly.

“I’ve noticed.” I sneer right back. Then I take a deep breathe, willing my chest to stop fluttering so much. When Shizuo is close like this, I always feel this way. Weird and like I can’t take a full breath. I hate it. “Look I’m not asking for much. I just…want us to be smart about this…thing.”

“Relationship.” He corrects. I ignore him.

“Dating in the ward is off limits. If the nurses or my doctor found out, one of us would be transferred to another ward- or kicked out in general. I can’t have that happen.” For once he seems to be listening to me. Maybe the thought of the doc taking away his toy has actually caught his attention. “And that’s not the worst of it. Do you know what an angry psychopath looks like?”

“No.” He grunts, brow creasing with worry. “Do you?”

“Yeah. I do. And it’s not pretty. So above all- above the docs and the nurses and my shitty roommate- Vorona cannot find out about us.” I stress. And even though I’ve said this to him many times, he finally looks like he’s listening.

“I don’t want her to find out. I don’t want anyone to find out. That’s not why I’m…I just want to kiss you. That’s all.” Shizuo looks away awkwardly, the lightest red warming his cheeks. I hate how endearing can be.

“Well, if you want to keep…doing that, you need to be smart about it. We’re in the day room. With a door that never closes. With a bunch of crazy people wandering around the hallway right outside.”

“I know.” He growls. “So let’s go to my room.”

“Yeah, because that’s totally inconspicuous.” I huff. His brow creases curiously. “Er…hidden.” I amend. He can be so stupid sometimes. But then, so can I.

“Oh. Well, there’s always the bathroom.” He points out. I ignore him. Until he kisses my cheek softly. “Will you meet me in the bathroom after dinner?”

“It sounds like you’re setting up an appointment for a stool sample. Which is kinda a mood killer.” I drawl evasively. He presses another kiss to the corner of my lips.

“Say you’ll be there, shitty flea.”

“How romantic.” He cups my chin and brings my face towards him, leveling me with a stony faced, but soft eyed look. I sigh. “Okay, fine.”

The grin that lights up his stupid face makes my stomach twist in all kinds of uncomfortable ways. And the lingering kiss I allow only makes it worse. Yeah, I definitely feel stupid right now.

After all, young love is disgusting. And I hate it.

So why can’t I stop it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to think of something funny or meaningful to say here, but literally the only thing i can think about is how fucking hard i ship these losers. so yeah. have a good day/night/existence/bank robbery/ghost haunting/whatever you're into!


	13. Day 40-46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya that's not how you therapy...ughh, nevermind.

Day 40

“I understand Saki has taken a liking to you.” Shiki has about as much tact as a blind rhino. I sigh, studying the pinprick holes in the ceiling tiles.

“Yeah, about that.”

“You are aware that it’s against the rules for patients to fraternize with each other on ward, correct?” I want to laugh. So hard. If only he knew what was going on in his ward.

Really, how does he not know?

“What do you want me to do about it? I’ve done all I can think of to get her to leave me alone. She’s…persistent.” I scrunch my nose up in disgust, and he chuckles. “There’s always a pillow over the face in the middle of the night ya know.”

“Technically speaking, murdering your fellow patients is frowned upon.” Shiki deadpans.

“I didn’t mean for Saki.” I drawl right back. I’m expecting another chuckle. Maybe a dry retort. The usual. But he’s silent across from me until I lazily loll my head to the side to peek at him.

“Would you classify yourself as ‘suicidal’, Izaya?” He asks seriously.

Alarm bells are immediately going off in my head. Shiki doesn’t normally beat around the bush with questions like these. But this one is an extra tricky question. With an extra tricky answer. I don’t want to lie to him- I’ve been doing a pretty good job of being as honest as I can. But this subject…it’s fragile. It always is.

“Not actively?” I test the waters with a noncommittal answer that sounds more like a question. Shiki’s eyes narrow just the smallest amount.

“Would you mind elaborating?”

Yes. I do mind. But that’s not exactly the right answer.

“I guess I mean…that I want to die. But I don’t want to kill myself. It just takes so much effort, you know?” Shiki frowns.

“So you don’t have an active plan.”

“Correct.”

“But if the opportunity arose- say you saw some pills left out- would you take the opportunity?”

Yes. I would. But that’s not the right answer either.

I don’t want to lie to him. But I don’t want to tell him the truth. I just stare at him. Which I guess is answer enough, since he nods after a minute of prolonged silence.

“Thank you for your honestly.” He grumbles. I want to point out that I didn’t say anything. But we both know silence speaks louder than words sometimes.

“Anytime.” I mumble.

“Would you like to discuss your previous attempts?” Out of the frying pan, into the fryer.

“Would you?” I raise an eyebrow pointedly. He sits back, linking his hands in his lap. He looks like a child waiting for a story. Oh boy. What a story it is. “Well where do you want me to start?” I demand. I need him to tell me, or I’ll never be able to get this out.

“Why don’t you start with the moment you realized you wanted to die.” He suggests, somewhat softer than normal. Even him being soft is tactless.

“It was after my first attempt. The first one was, as you might guess, attention seeking. When it failed to get attention I just…I felt like there was no reason to live if no one cared whether or not I lived. Even the people I manipulated couldn’t fill the void after a while, so I got desperate. But every time I tried I…something stopped me.”

“The will to live?” Shiki proposes. I laugh.

“Yeah right.” I snort through my dry laughter. “No, I mean that my sisters called the police or a stranger chanced upon me or something. My best laid plans would always wind up foiled. Even if I’d plan to be home alone all weekend, my grandmother would stop by to check on me or something. I was never able to pull it off. I tried so many times and…couldn’t do it.”

When I glance up at Shiki I’m momentarily offended. He’s busy digging through papers in my file. For all appearances it looks like he’s not even listening to me. But then he taps a specific paper and glances up at me.

“Officially, your medical records say you’ve attempted suicide three times.” I feel my cheeks warming. “Would you like to tell me how many times you’ve actually attempted it?”

“More than three.” I admit simply. He doesn’t push me, thankfully. “Some of them weren’t well thought out. More rash and spur of the moment. They wouldn’t have killed me, so there was no reason to go to the hospital. It would have only been an inconvenience for my parents.”

“Death is often more inconvenient than a hospital.” Shiki sounds somewhat more irritated than I’m used to hearing him. It’s off putting.

I glance away from him, waiting for the motivation or inspiration to go on. Shiki sighs.

“Would it be a stretch to assume that you want to die because you simply have no reason to live?”

“We have a winner!” It takes a lot of energy to fake the enthusiasm I throw at him. But I think it pays off. “I have no future. No one in my family cares if I live or die. I’ve made a mess of my life and the lives of everyone around me. It just seems like, at some point, you have to cut your losses.”

Shiki throws a pen at me, which at the very least is effective in getting my attention.

“You have no idea what the future may hold for you. Especially if the chemical imbalances in your brain are corrected. You could do great things. In fact, I’m sure you will.” He explains gruffly. “Honestly, so dramatic.” This is muttered under his breath. But still impossible to ignore. I laugh before I can help it.

“Yes, I’m something of a drama queen.” I remind him shamelessly.

“If you feel like you have no reason for living, you should be expending energy on finding a reason. Instead you spend all your time meddling with other people.”

“Busy work.” I shrug. He scowls.

“Make yourself your busy work. Find a reason to live. If you can’t find one, make one.”

As if it’s that easy.

Like he can hear my thoughts, Shiki sighs again. “The harder it is to accomplish, the more rewarding it is when you reach your goal. Don’t you think?”

“I don’t disagree with you on any particular point.” I promise him. He looks skeptical. “But…my own mother doesn’t care if I’m alive. So why should I?”

He taps his fingers a few times, mouth pursed tight as he considers it. I’m about to smugly point out his inability to give me an answer when he rumbles and shakes his head.

“ _ _I__  care that you’re alive.” Shiki stares intently at me as he says it- watching me to make sure I’m listening. But even though the words keep ringing in my ears, I just feel confused. It must show too. “It may not mean much, but I care, Izaya.”

It does matter. And I want to tell him that it matters. But I can’t find the words, anymore than I can find it in myself to believe him.

After all, how can he possibly care about me when I don’t?

I just…don’t see how it can be true.

 

Day 46

“You know, one of these days we should probably use our free time to improve our mental health, instead of doing this.” I huff at Shizuo, who fervently ignores me. He’s too busy backing me up onto the sink in his bathroom and nibbling at my neck. It can be hard to multitask, after all.

“Maybe this does improve my mental health.” He rumbles into my skin.

“Oh, so you do hear me talking! I was worried it was all gibberish to you, as consumed by beastly instinct as you are.” I goad him. He repays me with a sharp nip at the bottom of my neck, near my collarbone.

“Shut up.” He mutters distractedly, his hands creeping up under my shirt to lift it over my head. He’s getting bolder lately, provided I’m somewhere I’ve deemed safe.

His bathroom is a usual spot now, since he doesn’t have a roommate, and people don’t usually waltz right into a bathroom. Usually.

“Ne, Shizu-chan, do you ever miss locked doors?” I ask wistfully, running my fingers through the small hairs on the back of his neck. He purrs appreciatively, sucking his way down my neck to the top of my chest. When his lips close around one of my nipples I can’t help the way my hands curl to fists. Fuck, I hate how good his mouth is.

“Never locked a door before.” He dismisses as he switches to the other side of my chest.

“Never?” I demand, somewhat scandalized.

“Never needed to.”

“What about when you masturbate?” I push him away a little to meet his eyes. But he looks totally unconcerned as he shrugs.

“Don’t really masturbate a lot. I’ve always been more preoccupied calming myself down than working myself up.” I’m gaping at him. I can feel it. He smirks at my lack of comprehension, then leans back in to kiss me.

One of his hands is at my lower back, supporting me so I don’t have to lean against the uncomfortable faucet. The other one roams around, feeling my ribs and stroking over my thigh. When he squeezes my ass I pull away from the kiss, still confused. Because I can very clearly see his…appreciation for what he feels when he touches me.

How can he say he doesn’t masturbate if he gets so worked up from just making out and touching me?

“So what about when you get a boner? Do you just will it away?” I gesture to his current tent as if to make a point. But once again, he stumps me with a single careless lift of his shoulders.

“Didn’t get too many boners before I saw you.” His smirk is positively feral this time as I feel my face grow hot.

I only get more flushed when he circles his hips, grinding his dick against mine slowly. I may not be as hard as he is, but I’m not exactly unaffected by all this. And the direct pressure to my cock has me arching and gasping shamefully against him.

“I like seeing you like this. So honest. Not pretending for once.” Shizuo purrs into my ear, rocking forward again and again without giving me a second to breathe. I writhe, clenching my fists in his hair and shirt.

“Take- ah- take off your pants. It’ll be hard to clean up if we- ah- if we-”

“Yeah, okay.” He rumbles contently, hands reaching for my jeans immediately.

“I said __your__ -”

“Shut up.” Shizuo barely spares a moment to hiss at me, too preoccupied with opening up my pants and palming my dick through my underwear. I bite hard at my lip to stop a moan from tumbling right out of my mouth.

His palm continues kneading at my crotch, but through slightly hazy eyes I watch his other hand get to work on his pants. I find myself holding my breath as he pushes his jeans and boxers down. As often as Shizuo has his dirty way with me, we’ve never gone quite this far. Touching and rutting, yeah. But skin to skin…that’s new and somewhat scary territory.

Shizuo catches me staring when his dick pops out from the waistband of his underwear, and that smirk returns full force.

“You can touch it, if you want.” He drawls. Indignation descends like a fiery brand on me.

“Sounds more like you want me to touch it.” I mutter, sticking my nose in the air. Which leaves me visually unprepared for the moment his hand snakes into my briefs to circle hotly around my cock. I jerk back sharply, the faucet digging into my skin uncomfortably.

Shizuo releases his hold on his dick to grab my hip and pull me back towards him. When he’s settled back between my legs, he brushes his cock against mine a few times before taking them both in his palm.

“I’ll touch both of them then.” Shizuo tells me smugly, stroking slowly over our dicks with a devilish grin on his face.

I desperately want to say something to get him riled up. But to be honest, I think he’s calmer than I am right now. It would probably take a lot of goading to get under his skin. And right now, anything I say could come out broken, pathetic, and pleading. None of which I want him to ever see.

“Speechless? That doesn’t seem like you?” But of course, silence is almost worse. Either way, there’s wounded pride. So I might as well go all in.

“I thought that you would appreciate it! After all, comprehending speech patterns through a haze of physical excitement must take a lot of brain power. And when you have a limited supply of that already…let’s just say I was doing you a favor.” I drone on, loving the way his lips curve down slowly but surely.

Shizuo’s thumb runs firmly over the tip of my dick, stealing the sadistic enjoyment straight from my mind and replacing it with pleasure.

“Doing me a favor, huh? How charitable of you, I-za-ya.” He grumbles. “You should do me this favor more often. It’s so much easier to like you when you don’t talk.”

I glance away from him, trying to ignore the words. Trying to pretend that they’re not words I’ve heard before. Trying to pretend they don’t hurt like they hurt then.

I choke out a laugh, and he seems to accept that it’s only shaky because he’s started circling his hips again for an added layer of friction.

Shizuo’s steadying hand at the small of my back slowly starts to move up. His fingers circle the bumps of my spine and trace the angle of my shoulder blades, all while he moves his hips and palm in a slow but intense motion. My head tips back at some point, baring my throat to him. He doesn’t waste the opportunity.

I’m actually glad when he buries his face in my neck. It takes away the chance of him seeing my face. And just for a few moments, I’d like to not be seen.

I know he was just playing around. We insult each other all the time. If we don’t, I start to get concerned. But this time…I dunno, I’m overreacting, I’m sure.

But all my life it’s been the same thing. Be seen, not heard. When I’m heard, bad things happen. People’s lives get ruined. My life gets ruined. I’m much more likeable when I’m not talking.

Maybe I should look into having my vocal chords removed. Or just removing myself all together.

Nah. Every time I look into that, things go from bad to worse. Every time.

“Hey, where are you right now?” I blink, glancing down from the ceiling. Shizuo is staring at me intently, still moving, but not as much as he was. My cheeks warm instantly.

“Here. I’m here.” I tell him. He frowns.

“You weren’t a second ago.” He insists. I swallow thickly, using my hand that’s clenched in his hair to pull his face towards mine. He parts his lips easily when I kiss him, though the suspicion doesn’t leave his face entirely. But for the moment, he’s pacified.

I don’t like the fact that he can see through me. He’s so dumb; how can such an idiot always see through me? When I don’t feel like I ever know what’s going through his head! It doesn’t feel fair.

I suppose that’s because life isn’t fair.

Shizuo’s dick kinda moves to the side, allowing his thumb to press into the vein on the underside of my cock. I gasp for air against his lips, trying not to make noise. His golden eyes drink in the sight of me, his own breathing heavy as he strokes and thrusts faster against me.

“Grab that hand towel.” He growls at me. I kind of flail my hand in the direction he jerked his head until I meet something soft. He rips it out of my grip immediately, covering the heads of our dicks. Even without the sight of his actions, I feel like I can still see it. I feel like it’ll be branded into my brain forever.

And I’m okay with it.

“Ah- I’m gonna cum-” He warns me. I pull him in for another kiss, swallowing his harsher grunts as he works himself over. Neither of us are loud in this respect, but take no chances and all that.

Shizuo’s hand stills while he enjoys his orgasm. I try not to feel disgusted by the slick feeling of his semen cooling on my dick. It doesn’t kill my boner by any means, but it is…weird. Almost uncomfortable.

A few months ago I would never tolerate this. I hate that I’m willing to do all this just because it’s Shizuo.

He presses soft kisses into my neck when he starts to come back to his brain. And as he goes to wipe up his release, that’s when he feels how hard I still am.

“Fuck, you didn’t…sorry.” He cringes, dropping his spent member to take me solely in hand. I bite back a whimper at the renewed stimulation- with the added slickness of his cum to ease the way. “Why didn’t you say something? I woulda kept going sooner.” Shizuo murmurs in my ear.

“Doesn’t matter…you’re doing it now.” I dismiss, trying to keep a whine out of my tone. He’s really good at this for someone who supposedly doesn’t masturbate a lot. “And- ah- and ‘s not gonna take long.” I promise.

“God, you’re fucking hot like this.” He groans, eyes roving over me.

I almost want to be petty, and suggest that I’m not hot any other time- only when I’m like this. I know that’s not the way he meant it. And maybe that’s why I don’t say it. I’m too close right now to worry about pissing him off.

“Ah- glad I can please you, Shizu-chan.” I remark as dryly as I can. He snorts an equally dry laugh.

“Shouldn’t that be my line at the moment?”

His thumb rubs into my slit again and I can’t think of a response. I can’t even think how to breathe for a few moments as the knot in my belly releases.

When the fog clears from my brain, I blink my eyes open to Shizuo staring at me again. But this time, he doesn’t look smug or irritated or anything like that. He’s just staring. And when he notices that I’ve noticed, he flushes a little and kisses my cheek.

“I’m gonna clean us up.” He tells me softly, scooching me forward more on the sink so he can reach behind me with the hand towel and wet it.

“Thanks. Dinner might be awkward if you don’t.” I point out. He rolls his eyes, running the damp towel lightly over still sensitive flesh. I gasp a couple of times, and by the time he’s done and tucking himself back into his pants, I’m more than happy to do the same. It’s somehow more embarrassing to be cleaned by someone else than to be touched by someone else.

“Izaya.” I flick my gaze back up to Shizuo. He’s unexpectedly serious as he meets my eyes. “Look…I know that you have reservations about us. I like to think it’s just cuz you don’t want to get caught. But…” he pauses, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

“But…” I encourage, squirming a little on the uncomfortable perch of the sink.

He avoids my gaze for a long moment, glancing away immediately if he catches my eyes. It’s almost…unsettling.

“What, are you upset because I’m trying to be cautious or something?” I accuse. He sputters, eyes going wide.

“No! That’s fine, I get that. But like…I don’t want to be so preoccupied denying it that I don’t get to experience it, ya know. And I don’t…I don’t want you to see anyone else, even if it’s to save face. Like Erika and Walker. Especially them.”

I’m a little surprised, if I’m honest. Or a lot surprised.

“Are you still insisting on that whole going-steady-with-you thing?” I joke, hoping to alleviate some tension. Which really backfires when he only purses his lips and nods. “Wha- we’ve been over this a hundred times. We live in a mental hospital. Do you really think this is the best place to find a boyfriend? And what about when one of us leaves?”

“Then we meet up outside of here. Somewhere with a locked door.” He suggests easily. How long has he been thinking about this? I don’t know if I want to know.

“But…we fight all the time. And insult each other and have a generally dysfunctional…thing going on.”

“We don’t have to fight.” He sounds almost shy now. It’s really throwing me off. Then again, Shizuo usually does. “We could go on real dates, outside of here. When we get released.”

“What do we even have in common outside of here?” I demand. His frown carves deep trenches in his cheeks.

“I don’t know, we’ll figure it out! Jesus, just…I’m not asking you to marry me or anything, right now I’m just asking you not to fuck around with anyone else. Can you do that or not?” He grabs my chin in a fierce grip, irritation clearly getting the better of him. Which any other time I could definitely use to my advantage to point out that we’re obviously not as good for each other as he thinks.

But really, he’s not asking a lot right now. Since I’m not interested in fucking around with anyone else anyway. “Fine. That’s fine.”

He eyes me warily. But I return his suspicion with my own narrowed gaze and he seems to accept it.

“Thanks.” It’s all but a whisper. And before I can call him stupid for thanking me, he’s pressing our lips together and licking his way into my mouth.

I don’t know what to do with Shizuo. He’s just…impossible. He’s overwhelming and he wants more of me than anyone else I’ve ever met. If I’m being honest, it terrifies me. More than being disowned or dying or anything else. This stupid beast manages to scare me more than all the other shit in my life. And I can hardly stand it.

But, at the same time, I don’t want to let him go. Because even though he terrifies me, at least he wants me.

At least someone does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder to let me know if you think any tags need to be added! I'm braindead, i can't think of these things by myself!


	14. Night 47-48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you're gay and bad at social interaction and need A Break™. Same, Izaya. Same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I am so excite! I got mentioned in a tumblr post! That is like top tier for a fanfic writer! You have no idea! AAAAAHHHHHHH-

Night 47

“Izaya, you have a visitor.” I stare at Celty for a really long time before she smiles and takes a step into my room. “Izaya?”

“You must be mistaken.” I deadpan, clutching the book in my hands a little tighter than necessary. But it’s a hardcover book, it’ll survive.

“Not at all. The front desk just called. She’s waiting in the cafeteria for you.”

She. Could Kyouko have stopped in town? No. Even if she did, she wouldn’t come to visit. And there’s no way it’s Mairu or Kururi. Their observation is going to be even longer than mine.

“Who is it?” I finally ask when my inner monologue gets me no where.

“Why don’t you follow me and see for yourself?” She suggests, gesturing me forward. And I do. If for no other reason than curiosity.

Celty leads me to the cafeteria with a chipper skip in her step. I slink along behind her, feeling suspicious. I’m still riding out my unsettled feeling from the thing with Shizuo earlier. Having this new weird on top of that is a little more than I was hoping for when I woke up this morning. And when Celty opens the door for me and my eyes immediately land on my visitor, it just gets worse.

“Go ahead.” Celty encourages me with a patient hand on my shoulder. I kind of zombie walk over to the little table my ‘visitor’ has claimed. It’s far away from the other patients and their families. I guess when you arrive thirty minutes late, you get the benefit of selecting the seat furthest from socialization. I can relate to that. If I was her I’d do the same thing.

But of course I can relate. My grandmother has always been the person I could connect to more than anyone else.

“Hello Izaya.” Natsu says coolly as I settle across from her. I don’t reply right off the bat. I guess I’m still playing catch-up. A lot has happened today, after all. “You’re not sedated currently, are you?” She asks, leaning forward slightly to squint at me.

“Very funny.” I scoff. “Natsu, what are you doing here? You’ve never come to visit me when I’ve been in the hospital.” Even though she lives close by, she doesn’t like to travel. She thinks it’s tedious. And I’m sure she just doesn’t care for hospitals in general. She avoids them like the plague when it comes to herself.

I’m expecting her to say something witty to annoy me. Her humor is almost as caustic as my own. But she just looks me over for a long moment and frowns.

“I went to see your sisters last night.” She tells me bluntly. And my fear skyrockets.

“Oh.”

“They finally got approved for visitors. Your parents asked me to go see them, since they’re still out of the country.”

“How nurturing of them.” I murmur, feeling like I need to say something. Anything to delay the inevitable.

She brushes right over it anyway. “The girls had some very interesting things to tell me, about the night they got committed.” Her gaze is as sharp as daggers as she looks at me now. I feel like I’m being impaled.

“And you’ve come to scold me for my wicked deeds? You’re a couple months late. Didn’t my parents tell you the situation back when the girls were admitted? You should have come then.” I aim for casual nonchalance with an undercurrent of self hatred. Natsu rolls her eyes, and the truth sinks deep into my gut before she can even speak.

“For whatever reason, they decided to tell me the truth. Not those foolish lies you’ve been telling everyone.” Her words are as pointed as her gaze. I want to actually disappear. I wish I hadn’t followed Celty over here. I wish she hadn’t come.

“Did they tell anyone else?” I whisper. Natsu huffs dismissively.

“Like their doctors? Don’t be silly. They’re enjoying their little vacation, why would they ruin that? Especially if it could end up getting back to your parents.” A sigh of relief leaves me, but the anxiety wells right back up when I look at her and her stony face.

“Are you going to tell them?” I ask nervously.

She hesitates, watching the way I squirm for a long moment before shaking her head. “No.” Oh thank god. I actually sink in my seat a little, which only makes her brow crease with frustration. “Why do you keep doing this to yourself Izaya?”

“Huh?” My head cocks to the side curiously. She nearly glares at me.

“You know exactly what I mean. You’ve been doing it your whole damn life. And just because your fool parents don’t see it, don’t assume that I don’t as well.” Her insistence is terrifying. Honestly, today is the day of fear for me. It may live in infamy at this rate.

“It doesn’t matter.” I shrug.

“It does. You matter.” No. I don’t.

I don’t even have to say that out loud for her to hear it. The silence says it all. “You should tell your doctor, about what really happened that night.” Natsu commands. I scoff derisively. “I’m worried about you. If I had known the truth, I would have come to see you sooner. You don’t belong in this place.”

I glance around at the other patients in the room for the first time. They look different here than they do on ward. Vorona seems more lively as she talks to an old, silver haired, spectacled man. Namie looks practically like a different person as she gushes over who I have to guess is her younger brother. Even Anri is excited, chattering happily with a red headed dude who’s wearing sunglasses inside for whatever reason.

They all look different now. But I think…I prefer them on ward.

“Yes I do belong here.” Natsu looks surprised. That’s okay, I feel surprised. “I think…It’s actually helping.” She can’t seem to decide if she wants to be shocked or disbelieving. I reach out to grab her hand, which turns her firmly to shocked. I don’t really initiate casual touch usually. Or ever.

But that’s why she knows I’m serious as I ask, “Please don’t ruin this for us Natsu. What happened…” I can’t even finish it. She squeezes my hand.

“It wasn’t your fault.” She tells me softly. Much softer than what I normally hear from Natsu. But I still have to laugh at it.

“It was. Not in the way they think, but it was my fault. I should have been there with the girls. I should have-”

“They are not your responsibility.” She insists. This time my laugh is barely more than a sad croak.

“Well someone has to take responsibility for the little monsters. Might as well be me.” She grimaces, squeezing my hand a little tighter.

“But who’s taking responsibility for you?” She murmurs. I squeeze her hand this time. “If you say this place is helping you, I’ll leave well enough alone. But I will be keeping tabs on you, understand?”

“Must you?” I mumble dejectedly. I feel like a child when she talks like this. Like I can’t keep track of myself, so she has to do it for me.

Who knows, maybe she’s right.

“I’m your grandmother, Izaya. My word is law.” She murmurs haughtily. I roll my eyes, crossing my arms and laying my chin on them.

“I can’t believe the little gremlins told you.”

“I can’t believe you trusted them to keep it to themselves.” Natsu returns immediately. I shrug in concession. “But I for one, am glad that they told me. Heaven knows you never would have.”

“Can you blame me?” I grumble. She starts carding her fingers through my hair gently, working at tangles that I’ve been too apathetic to get out with the frail comb they give me.

“No. But you blame yourself enough for both of us, it seems.” Shit, she’s good. “There may come a time when you have to tell the truth. What will you do then?”

“Lie.” Like I always have.

“That’s healthy.” She deadpans.

“I guess that’s why I’m in a mental hospital.”

Natsu flicks my forehead hard enough that I sit up again to recoil from it. “You’re in a mental hospital because you’re in the habit of taking the blame for every bad thing that happens around you.”

“Ughhh…” My groan is cut short by Simon making his way towards our table with a friendly smile.

“Apologies. Visiting hour will conclude shortly. Please, if you will say goodnight.” He encourages, peeking at my grandmother a few times with obvious excitement. I’ve never had a visitor before, after all. And like the weird father figure he is, it excites him.

“Yeah, alright.” I sigh at the nurse, who wanders away. Natsu stands to leave, brushing down his clothes to make sure nothing is wrinkled or out of place. Then she looks at me, grimacing at how messy my own appearance is.

“Please take good care of yourself while you’re here for your imagined crimes.” She requests, cupping my cheek.

“I haven’t done anything too bad while here, as of yet.” I insist, feeling the need to justify myself. She smirks.

“How long can you keep that good behavior up though?”

Not long. But she already knows that.

“I’ll come visit again before you get discharged.” She tells me, moving towards the exit where a few of the other visitors are waiting to be walked out.

“You don’t have to.” I call after her. The look she gives me over her shoulder makes me laugh a little. And I’m not the only one. When I join the other patients headed back to the ward, Namie is smirking at me.

“Who was that? Are you her clone? Did she come to check on her creation’s progress?” She pesters with a needling elbow to my side. I push her away.

“It’s just my grandmother. Calm down.”

“Ah, but it’s the first visitor you’ve had!” Shinra points out needlessly. I’m sure everyone here is aware of that fact. But he’s not paying enough attention to me to notice the unimpressed scowl I give him. He’s too busy waving to the small blonde woman in a lab coat who he was visiting with. Probably his foster mom or something.

“It is good that someone has come to see you, Izaya.” Vorona encourages from the other side of Shinra. I’m a little creeped out by her sentiment, but I force a smile anyway.

“So what did you guys talk about?” Namie demands as we start walking back to the ward. I catch one last glimpse of Natsu as she’s led through the opposite cafeteria door towards the reception room. She waves a little, but she’s gone before I can wave back. Something inside me aches because of that.

“Nothing. Just meaningless stuff.” She doesn’t believe me. But I’m not trying too hard to convince her. I’m too tired to bother with it right now.

I head to the bathroom when I get back to my room. I don’t really want to talk to Shinra right now, especially since I’m sure he’ll try to grill me about Natsu. And after the day I’ve had, I’m not mentally ready for that. Not by a long shot.

Seeing my grandmother, while not unpleasant, was overwhelming all on its own. But the fact that she knows the truth about the night I was admitted is very anxiety inducing. Not to mention the thing that happened with Shizuo earlier. It’s just been a very, very stressful day.

It feels like people have been demanding a lot of me today. Like they’re expecting so much, even though I’ve given them no reason to expect anything!

I hate it when people have expectations. It’s hard to disappoint people when they take you at face value. But when they have expectations, it’s hard not to disappoint them.

Not that I care about disappointing them! It’s just messy when it happens. And my life is already such a mess, thank you very much.

It’s a mess that I don’t think I can ever clean up. No matter how long I stay here, or how much it seems to help.

But at least if I’m in here, I can ignore that reality for a little while longer.

 

Day 48

“I want to be moved back to level one.” Shiki looks surprised by my greeting today. I guess that’s fair. But the longer he’s quiet, the less patience I have to admit that.

“I have some concerns with that.” He finally murmurs.

“I don’t. Please put me on level one.” I’ve been thinking about it all night. About Shizuo and my grandmother and the twins. About Vorona and the other patients here. There’s a lot of things that have been on my mind, all night long. I didn’t sleep at all. And this is what I finally arrived at.

“You’ve been making good progress Izaya, why on earth would you want to start back on level one?” Shiki demands, clearly exasperated.

“I…I’m overwhelmed, okay? And I thought about hurting myself to cope with that, but I didn’t. So I should get a reward for that, right?”

“Your idea of a reward is punishment?” He asks dryly. I don’t even blink. Shiki sighs. “Will you tell me why you’re feeling so overwhelmed. Perhaps we can work through it together, without you resorting to-”

“I’d rather not.” I grit out stonily. His eyes narrow the tiniest amount.

“At least tell me, does this sudden request have anything to do with your grandmother visiting you for the first time last night?”

“If I say ‘yes’, will you continue to pry?”

“That’s a yes then.” He grumbles to himself as he writes in my file. “According to Simon, your visit seemed to go well. You didn’t get upset, at least not where anyone could see. Would you like to enlighten me on why you apparently feel it didn’t go well?”

“The visit was fine, okay? This is about more than that. It’s…look, you said that if I did something bad again I’d get moved to level one and put on strict watch. So isn’t it better that I’m coming to you and telling you that I’m a danger to myself __before__ I do something bad?”

Shiki does that thing where he just stares at me for a good long moment. The kind of staring that makes me feel like he’s looking right through me. Or maybe that he’s looking into me, is a better description. It’s eerie every time.

Finally he sighs again, leaning back in his seat. “I do appreciate that you’re being honest. And you haven’t hurt yourself yet, correct?”

“I haven’t.” Even though it got so close last night. It was a long eight hours of staring at the ceiling and thinking. And the thought of scratching came to mind many times in those hours. But I was too tired to even raise my hand to my skin.

It’s better if Shiki thinks I refrained due to self control instead of apathy. He nods a couple times and rubs at his forehead. I don’t think I’ve ever made him so agitated before. I wonder what’s gotten into him today. It can’t just be my request, can it?

“At least give me a reason, Izaya. Tell me why you want to be on level one. If you please.” I could almost pretend that he’s begging me, if I really wanted the ego boost. Instead I just see it for what it is. The exhausted plea of an irritated doctor.

“I told you. I’m a danger to myself. I’m overwhelmed right now, by a few things, and that’s always when I end up doing stupid shit.” He grunts in acknowledgement to that fact. Likely he’s picked up on it himself. After another long moment of massaging his forehead, Shiki sits back up and scrawls more in my file.

“If I put you on level one and find out that you’ve acted on your urges regardless, there will have to be serious discussions about the effectiveness of my treatment for you, Izaya. I trust you understand what that means.” He mutters, signing the bottom of the page he’s been working on.

I swallow the thick knot in my throat. “You’ll discharge me.”

“I would definitely have to consider the possibility.” He agrees. “So I hope you’ll take your time on level one to evaluate your choices. Like your choice to continue hiding things from me.”

“I’m trying, Dr. Shiki. I really am.” I choke out. His eyes flick to me, as sharp as the knife I used to carry like an extension of my arm.

“I know you are Izaya. That’s why I’m allowing this.” He purses his lips for a moment, tapping his pen a few times too. “But I need you to try harder. You’re halfway done with your evaluation. I think it’s time for you to start being honest with me, don’t you?”

I don’t know if I can. There’s already so many people who know the truth. But, I guess, if there’s anyone in the world who I don’t mind knowing about me, it’s Shiki. Although I can’t admit that to him just yet.

“I’ll try harder.” I promise him anyway. Whether or not he really believes me, he merely nods and turns to a new page in my file.

“I guess that rules out what I wanted to talk to you about today. Any other suggestions?” He sounds tired. Resigned. I know the feeling.

“How was your day off?” I suggest. I’m a little surprised by his laughter. As unshakable as Shiki is, I rarely see any sides to him. But especially this one. The one that laughs, even if it is a tired laugh. It’s nice.

“Not on your life, Izaya.” He finally tells me, though still with a little smile on his face. And even though he’s shot down my prying into his personal life, I smile too.

I’ve never had a shrink like Shiki. I feel like I’m drowning right now, but it feels like he’s really trying to bring me to the surface. He’s not just giving up because I’m a heavy weight. He’s really trying. And he doesn’t budge when I kick and try to swim further down. It’s a pleasant surprise for me.

Not that he’ll ever know that. I don’t think I have it in me to be completely honest like that. At least, not right now I don’t.


	15. Night 48-53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the fallback of your decisions is never fun. But sometimes it's worse than others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TAG ALERT! I don't know how many people are checking the tags, but i do want to put it here too, that there's a scene of NON-PENETRATIVE RAPE in this chapter. it's NOT between Izaya and Shizuo, but i know it's still a sensitive subject even if it's not between the otp. it's NOT graphic (i don't think anyway, i'm sorry if i'm wrong) but please, please PROCEED WITH CAUTION if that could be a TRIGGER for you!

Night 48

“Hey dumb fuck.” Ugh. Namie. One of the people I was hoping to avoid for a day or two if possible. I glance over at her where she stands in the door of my room. She doesn’t look very happy with me. But she never really does. She just has one of those faces.

“Hey fat skank.” I greet back with a cold smile. She doesn’t even flinch.

“What’d you do?” She demands blankly.

“Yeah, I was wondering that myself.” We both glare sharply at Shinra. He yelps, pulling his blanket over his head like that can physically remove him from being here. Poor kid. Not like it’s his fault he got stuck with me as a roommate.

“I don’t know what you mean?” I finally address Namie. She raises an unimpressed eyebrow.

“Level one? After a month and a half? That’s a pretty shitty move, even for you. So what did you do?” I’m always amazed by how fast word spreads here. Even though I’ve seen it happen time and again, it’s always insane to me.

“Nothing. I asked to be put on level one.” I tell her stiffly.

“Bullshit.”

“It’s the truth.” I hiss. She glances behind her into the hall, looking in both directions before flaunting into my room to plop down at the end of my bed.

“Spill.” She demands. I glance at the bundle that is Shinra Kishitani. Namie seems to understand and sighs. “Shinra. Go get some water. You look thirsty.” She commands. And just like that he’s scurrying out of the room. I have to admit, I do admire Namie’s abilities to strike fear into the hearts of anyone on the ward. Not even I can do that.

“Look, it’s a long story. Stuff to do with the night I was admitted. And with Shizuo. I just…had to do this.” I save her the trouble of having to ask again. But she’s not exactly pleased with my brief explanation.

“And by ‘stuff to do with Shizuo’, you mean because you’re fucking him, right?” I cringe violently, looking to the door anxiously. But no one’s there. At least not for the moment.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I seethe. But my anger comes from fear, and she must be able to sense that. She shrugs casually.

“The others here might buy that your hickeys come from the twin terrors, but I know better. And honestly, there were only two other options. Since I know it’s not me, it had to be Shizuo.”

“You scare me.” I snap at her.

“Thank you.” She deadpans. “So what happened to scare you back to level one? Did he use the ‘L’ word or something?”

“No! God, no.” I shudder to even imagine it. “It’s just…too much. To explain or deal with or whatever. It’s just…too much.” I want her to believe me. If only so that I can avoid talking about this.

“Whatever.” She sighs at length. I look up at her, shocked by her easy compliance. As much as I wanted her to believe me, I didn’t actually think she would.

“That’s it?” I ask dumbly.

Another shrug. “Vorona was starting to get suspicious of you anyway. She was beginning to notice that you two would disappear at the same time as each other an awful lot. So strategically, this was actually a good move. Whether or not you intended it to be that is a different story.”

“For the sake of surviving the night, I’m gonna go ahead and say sure. I totally meant it as a strategic move to get Vorona off my back.” I agree, letting my tense shoulders drop finally.

“I know we’re just allies or whatever, but you could have talked to me about it. Shizuo. And whatever else is bothering you.” She’s looking away from me as she makes the offer- very interested in my desk all of the sudden. And that’s how I know it’s genuine.

I smile to myself while she’s not watching. “I’ll keep that in mind.” I promise with a chuckle. She wrinkles her nose at the fondness in my tone.

“Good. I’m leaving.” She announces, standing and brushing herself off like she could have been contaminated by merely sitting on my bed.

“Don’t get lost on your way back to your room.” I encouraged with an innocent little smile to match her heated glare. But as she flounces from my room, I swear I see her wave a little.

She can pretend all she wants, but after nearly two months, I know we’re both thinking the same thing. We’re allies, yes. But at this point, I think we’re also friends.

Which is weird to the both of us. But at least for me, it’s not unpleasant.

 

Day 50

“So you wanna tell me why you’re avoiding me?” I jump a little, whipping around to very nearly elbow Shizuo in the gut. Again. He catches me this time, grabbing both my arms to stop me from causing bodily harm to either of us.

“Fuck, don’t do that Shizu-chan!” I scold him, glancing around his imposing figure to make sure no one else has appeared on the patio since I’ve come out here.

I kinda got lost in my thoughts. But I should know by now how dangerous that can be! In my defense, it’s getting way too cold outside for most people to want to come out here anymore. So I thought I might be safe.

However, no where is really safe from Shizuo. Not when he gets determined.

“Why didn’t you tell me you got put back on level one?” He demands, sitting next to me, but keeping a hand on my arm so I can’t flee.

“Didn’t seem like any of your business.” I shrug, turning back to my magazine in an act of indifference. He pulls it away, not even pretending to play along with my little show.

“What did you do?”

“Ugh, first Namie. Now you. Ya know, you took your time even noticing. Shiki moved me down two days ago.”

“I noticed. I was waiting for you to tell me. I mistakenly believed you’d at least mention it. Instead you’ve been going out of your way to avoid me.” He repeats angrily, squeezing my arm a little. Not tight enough to hurt at all. It’s more of a reminder that he’s here, demanding answers, and not letting me shrug it off.

“It’s your own fault for having unrealistic expectations of me. You shouldn’t be blaming me for that.” I mutter. He growls.

“Did I do something to piss you off or what? What’s fucking wrong, Izaya?” Nothing. Things were going okay between us. So good that Shizuo even wanted to take a step forward.

Which is always the moment that I turn and run. I just don’t have far to run to in a place like this.

Not for the first time, I wish Shizuo would just finish his time here and move on with his life. He’ll forget me in no time once he’s done here. So why can’t he just get better and get out already?

“Nothing’s wrong.” Everything’s wrong.

“I don’t believe you.” You shouldn’t.

“Nothing I can do about that. Feel free to doubt me all you like.” I smile pointedly at him. He looks like he’s about to literally throw me across the patio. Now that would be something. I wonder how many bones I’d break.

“Fuck, why are you like this all the sudden?! What happened, did I really fuck up or is this your crazy acting up? Just fucking talk to me!” He’s squeezing harder at my arm now. It aches, right down to my bones. But not enough.

“Don’t worry so much about me, Shizu-chan. I’m sure my crazy will pass in no time.” I go for condescending. But he doesn’t get more upset. If anything, he seems to calm down a little. Which, ironically, starts to concern me. Until I realize that I inadvertently just admitted it was my own brain causing this, and not him.

“Are you alright?” He huffs begrudgingly. “You didn’t hurt yourself again, did you?”

“No. I’m fine.” I mutter, trying to jerk away from him. He doesn’t even hint at letting me go.

“So what happened? Why did Shiki put you on level one if you didn’t hurt yourself? Did you mess with someone else? Shinra said you used to do that, at all the other-”

“I don’t care what Shinra said about me!” I snarl, shocking him to silence. “And I don’t care what you think of me either.” I add, more subdued. But no less ferocious.

This time when I pull my arm away, he lets me go. And he doesn’t follow me inside either.

I don’t see him for the rest of the night, since it’s harder to run into each other when he has full off-ward privileges, and I have none. Which is for the best, honestly.

Maybe he’ll finally start to come to his senses about me. Whatever sexual tension there was between us at first must’ve been appeased by now. Maybe if he doesn’t have to see me all throughout the day, he’ll start to get over whatever it is that’s kept his so fascinated by me.

I hope he starts to forget about me. It would be nice to return to something normal. Fading into the background. Flying under the radar. I miss that. Maybe more than I miss anything else from life before this hospital.

 

Day 53

Mikado has been throwing up all morning again. It brings back unsavory memories of the last time this happened. I wonder if his doctor even knows about Aoba. I mean, they have to know he has MPD. Mika knew, so I’m sure they do.

But I wonder if they’ve ever met the other personality. I wonder if Dr. Kujiragi has ever sat down across from the black haired boy and suddenly found herself talking to Aoba instead. I feel bad for her if she has.

When I’m stirred from a midday nap by none other than the alternate personality wrapping his hand around my throat, I feel even worse. But mostly for myself.

“What the fuck-” I hiss, but I’m cut off by his other palm slapping over my mouth. Both grips tighten for a dizzying moment before he backs off.

“Make a noise and I’ll break your neck.” He tells me, bending in close to whisper it in my ear. My skin crawls at the feeling of his breath ruffling my hair. But I don’t have many options but to tolerate it. He’s unnaturally strong when he’s possessed by the Ghost of Christmas Nightmares.

Instead I nod, mentally begging him to give me some space. Whether or not he senses my desperation, he doesn’t move to comply with it.

“I know it’s your fault. You told Masaomi to like Saki. You’re the reason he’s been pursuing her.” He accuses softly, managing to sound so peaceful despite the stupidly tight grip on my neck.

I shake my head sharply, and after a moment of consideration he pulls his hand away from my mouth. It settles with his other at my throat though, so I don’t quite count it as a win.

“Why the fuck would I get involved in something stupid like that? I want nothing to do with Masaomi or his relationships.” I’m too busy trying to deal with my own! But Aoba doesn’t seem aware of that. The only thing he seems to be able to think about is Masaomi and anyone getting close to him.

“Don’t lie. He told me that you encouraged him to talk to her.” There’s a bit more life in his tone now, but that’s hardly saying much. I scowl.

“Even if that’s true- which it’s not- talking with her means nothing. He made the jump to pursuing her on his own. I never told him to do it.” Which is technically the truth. I told him to do whatever he wanted and to stop pretending that it was other people stopping him. Obviously to him, that meant talking to Saki.

“Then who did?” Aoba challenges.

“He probably came to the conclusion on his own. He can do that, ya know. As a human being with an independent free will and all.” I seethe.

“I don’t believe you.” He reiterates, squeezing tighter around my neck. I grit my teeth, waiting for the pressure to ease. It doesn’t. “It’s always you. He always talks to you. And then things get worse.”

“Trust me, I’m not a fan of it either.” I choke out. Aoba’s face ripples with detest. I can taste his hostility in the tiny bit of air I can still get.

“It has to be your fault. Masaomi wouldn’t decide it by himself, you had to have told him-”

“Masaomi is not my responsibility. I’m no more responsible for him than I am for anyone else, so just get the fuck over yourself and stop forcing me to suffer because you can’t hold down a boyfriend.” It’s kind of a gamble for me to snap at him right now. And for a few seconds while he stares blankly at me, I worry that I’ve made the bad choice.

Until he smirks. Then I know for sure that I’ve made the bad choice.

“What are you talking about? I’m having no trouble holding you down at all.” He coos sweetly. My nose wrinkles in disgust of its own accord.

“Fuck off.” I hiss. Aoba chuckles softly, shifting a little so that his body is lower. For a second I’m not sure why. And then something warm rubs against my thigh and I feel like I might be the one to throw up now.

“If you insist.” He purrs, rutting gently against me.

Any nervous fear that’s kept me compliant until now vanishes. I reach to shove him off, but he only tightens his grip at my neck and avoids the wildest of my swings and scratches. All the while managing to continue the utterly disturbing motions of his hips.

“Ah- Mikado would do this a lot with Masaomi. Before you took him away. Only seems fair for you to repay in kind, don’t you think?” Aoba leers over me, eyes growing hooded as his crotch gets warmer. I can feel the heat of it through my jeans and his. It’s disgusting.

“Get- off- me-” I manage to wheeze out. I’m totally ignored though.

“Nngh- he’s been so lonely since Saki showed up. Anri is nice and all, but she doesn’t quite fill that role. It has to be Masaomi.”

I want to snarl at him to take this up with Masaomi then! There’s a lot of things I want to tell him. That doing this will do absolutely nothing to get Mikado his boyfriend back. That he’s a disgusting prick who needs to vanish in the void of Mikado’s mind permanently. That no part of this is sane.

But I can hardly breathe, let alone speak anymore.

Aoba does enough speaking for both of us. He rumbles on about his host personality and Masaomi. And then, when he gets closer to finishing, his rambles somehow manage to get worse.

“Since Masaomi and Mikado haven’t done this in a while, this feels pretty good. I like it.” He crowds in closer to me again. I literally feel sicker the closer he gets. I want to shower for at least a week, and this isn’t even over yet. I hate it! “Maybe I should visit you more often. What do ya think? Since you broke them, maybe I should break you. Little by little. Over and over and over.”

I try not to let myself get scared often. If I do get scared, I try not to admit it. And there’s even fewer times when I actually let other people see it.

Based on the wide grin that splits his face, I’d say this is one of those rare moments. And I can’t even hate myself for it. Because I’m just…not okay. With any of this. I’ve never been so desperate for an escape. I’ve never longed so much for total oblivion.

“Hey, it’s okay. Maybe eventually it’d be good for you too. If you behave.” He kisses my cheek in a mockery of affection. I groan somewhat pitifully with the little air I have.

Aoba grins again, sitting up to really put some force into his animal rutting. My vision is starting to get blurry at the edges. Even though he’s being careful to leave me a thin stream of air, it’s not enough. Not when I’m panicking.

“Hey, don’t fall asleep.” He shakes me indignantly, letting up on the pressure like he’s finally realized he might be the cause of my passing out. I gasp a few deep breaths before my airway is blocked again. Except this time it’s by his mouth on mine.

And honestly, I preferred being choked.

Digging my nails into his wrists, shoulders, or even his face has no effect on him. How the fuck can a fourteen year old hide this much strength in his subconscious? How the fuck can Aoba access it?

He only stops when he wants to. And by then I literally want to swallow gasoline, just to get his taste out of my mouth. He, on the other hand, licks his lips as he stares down at me. It’s enough to send a violent shiver up my spine.

“Ah- Izaya- I’m gonna-” He hushes himself before he can say it, biting his lower lip as his grinding comes to a slow stop. The heat against my leg turns burning, like acid. And he doesn’t move away, even after a minute comes and goes and his breathing starts to slow back down.

“Off- get off of me-” I don’t want to believe that my voice cracks. But his dark chuckle doesn’t let me deny it for long.

“Fuck, that was fun. We’ll have to do that again sometime.” He smiles chipperly, pressing another kiss to my unwilling lips. When I pull at his hair he bites my lip hard, drawing a whine from my throat. My mouth tastes coppery when he pulls away with my blood on his lips.

“You’re disgusting.” I hiss.

“Ah, but you could’ve avoided this Izaya.” He chides me teasingly.

“I already told you, I have nothing to do with Masaomi!” I nearly shout it. If my throat didn’t hurt so bad, I’m sure it would be loud enough to draw a nurse. As it is, Aoba glances at the door cautiously. For the first time he seems to think about how long he’s been in here, and how long it’s been since a nurse has made rounds.

“Hmm. I don’t believe you.” He says very simply. But he finally- fucking finally- shifts onto his knees to draw the heat of his crotch away from my thigh. And then a few seconds later he releases my throat.

I want to kill him. I want to slam his fucking skull into the wall. But when I sit up my head spins with the dizzying return of oxygen and blood to my brain and I have to lay back down immediately. Aoba giggles, tauntingly petting my hair back to press a sloppy kiss to my forehead.

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll fix this. Or at the very least, you’ll stay out of the way while I fix it. Got it?”

My jaw aches with the force of my teeth pressing together. I glare at Aoba, who smiles right back, looking entirely pleased with himself. I guess he would be. Disgusting.

“Get the hell out.” I demand. He hums thoughtfully and shrugs.

“Fine. See you around Izaya.” With one last pat to my head that leaves me shaking with rage and revulsion, he turns to skip away.

The second he leaves I stumble out of bed- headrush be damned- and to the bathroom. I’m not allowed to close the door right now, but I don’t even care. I shed my clothes and slide into the shower without even waiting for the water to heat up. The cold feels good right now. Maybe it can numb me before I do something I regret.

I won’t let Aoba be the reason I fail Shiki’s conditions. I won’t hurt myself just because of him. But I don’t know much I even believe myself. Not with tears that feel like fire falling down my cheeks. Because I’m already hurt, just not physically.

The hurt is all in my head. Unfortunately, that’s the place it matters most. At least that’s always been how it is for me. It’s all in my head. And I wish I was dead. More than anything, I wish I was dead.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

Maybe it is time to tell the truth after all. Anything to get me out of here.

Anything to feel safe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll expect my array of death threats by the morning. See you next time


	16. Day 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That awkward moment when admitting how screwed up you are is actually worse than just suffering in silence...

Day 56

“Did you hear what Shizuo did during gym last night?” Shinra demands practically the second he sees that I’m awake in the morning. I was already asleep by the time they got back from gym last night, so he’s probably been counting the seconds until morning came and he could spill to me. Still…isn’t it a bit early for him to be this manic?

“Not now Shinra.” I mumble, turning to my other side to maybe go back to sleep.

“But it’s important! He’s-”

“Not. Now.” I cut him off with a tone sharper than a razor’s blade. And even though I can hear his hurt in the silence of the room, he doesn’t try to speak again. When Tom passes by to call him to breakfast, he even leaves without a word to me.

I do feel a little bad about it, as much as I hate to admit that I feel bad. But I just…really can’t take it right now. I can’t take him. I can’t really take anyone.

I’ve hardly left my room in the past few days. I’ve been sleeping a lot and avoiding people a lot. Shiki had a lot of scowls for me the last time we met. And I’m sure I’ll get even more today. But I don’t care right now.

It’s safer for me to stay in my room. Masaomi won’t come in here, he knows I like my space. And Shizuo…well he hasn’t come in here. Not for a while.

“Izaya, bud, there’s breakfast in the day room.” Chikage tells me chipperly from the doorway. I make a noncommittal noise in my throat to let him know I heard him. After a few seconds I hear the rustle of his scrubs as he walks away.

I can’t wait to see Shiki today. During our last session I was too shaken from the Aoba Incident to really talk to him about much of anything. Between that and his bitterness that I’m apparently misusing my Level One status, it was kind of a disaster.

Today will be too, I’m sure. Just in a different way. Because I’ve decided that I need to come clean to him. About everything. As horrifying as that is to imagine, I have to do it. It kinda sucks, because I had just admitted to myself that being here was really helping. My sessions with Shiki were slowly working! I finally found a therapist I could imagine myself talking to. It really sucks.

But I can’t stay here anymore. I’m tired of being so out of control, just for the sake of potentially being mentally healthy. It’s too much risk for not enough pay off.

I just have to wait for my session. But time moves unfortunately slow these days. I’ve read everything Shinra has in the room, twice. And I can only sleep so much before my body quite frankly refuses to do it anymore.

I’m debating how much energy it would take to go to the nurses’ station and ask for a magazine when someone grabs my arm and yanks me up to a sitting position. I can’t quite stop my mouth from falling open in shock when I snap my head around and see it’s Shizuo. And he doesn’t look happy.

“Get your ass out of bed and come to breakfast.” He growls, physically dragging me to my feet. I’m too surprised to do anything but let him lead me to the day room and shove me into a seat across the table from him.

“Shizuo, please don’t carry your fellow patients around like rag dolls.” Kadota sighs from the corner where he’s doing a crossword puzzle.

“It’s his own fault.” Shizuo grunts at the nurse. Kadota sighs again, but doesn’t object. Likely he should be reprimanding Shizuo for his conduct, but I think he’s secretly relieved. I haven’t really eaten in a few days, and I know the nurses are bothered by it. Especially Kadota. So even if the means were a little sketchy, the result was satisfactory. Here I am at breakfast, after all.

Shizuo digs in immediately, but I’m too busy staring wide eyed at him to even pretend to be interested in the food in front of me. When he notices that I haven’t even moved since he sat me down, he abruptly stop shoveling hashbrowns in his mouth to glower at me.

“Eat.” He commands. I frown.

“I’m not hungry.” It’s not completely a lie. But he doesn’t believe it even a bit.

“When was the last time you ate, huh?” He challenges. My face feels warm under his intent gaze.

That only makes me more indignant as I demand, “Why are you even here? You’re level three.”

It’s his turn to glow red. “Not anymore.”

“What? What did you do?” It’s somewhat satisfying to be able to turn his own words on him. But unlike me, he’s actually willing to answer.

“I wrecked some stuff in the gym, okay?” He doesn’t sound proud of himself for it. But he doesn’t exactly sound apologetic either. I glance at Kadota. I know he’s listening, even if he’s pretending to be wholly engrossed in his crossword.

“Why would you do that? Beastly instincts catch you off guard or something?” I suggest. He rumbles in his throat. Not quite a growl, because he is thankfully also conscious of the nurse just ten feet from us.

“I…wanted to see you.” He whispers it very quietly, but I’m still worried. I still shoot a glance at Kadota immediately. The man doesn’t so much as shift in place.

“You’re an idiot, you know that right? You’ve messed up your progress by doing that. You have to start from square one again.”

“Nothing I haven’t done before.” He grunts. “I just…thought it was worth it.”

I hate how floaty my stomach feels. I really, truly do. I also hate that my first instinct is to lace my fingers with his on the opposite side of Kadota’s line of sight. Shizuo looks surprised, but happy, as he clutches my hand.

“You’re so stupid.” I sigh, using my other hand to pick up my fork finally. This only makes him happier.

“And you’re an ass.” He replies chipperly, returning to shoveling food in his mouth.

I glance at Kadota again. And even though he’s not looking- and hopefully can’t see our hands even if he did look- he’s smiling too. Very slightly and hidden mostly by the way his chin is tucked to his chest. But I can see it.

The people here are weird. But I guess that’s why it’s been working out for me.

Or, it was. As much as I’d like to stay, I can’t. I can’t stand not being in control. I won’t stand it for even a minute longer. Not even for Shizuo.

///

“It’s good to see that you finally decided to eat again.” Shiki mumbles as he reviews my notes. But just because I’ve done something right, doesn’t mean he’s entirely happy with me. I can tell just from his tone.

Rather than dwell on that, I decide to cut to the chase. I don’t need to hear about how I’m excluding myself and spiraling in a self destructive direction. I can give myself shit for that later, if he so demands. But for now, I’d like to just get this started so I can get it over with. “I want to talk to you about everything now.”

“And what spurred that on?” He sounds more skeptical than surprised.

“I’ve just been thinking is all. Like you told me to.” I try to sound as genuine as possible. And since it’s not a complete lie, I think I pull it off pretty well. Shiki still doesn’t look completely sold though.

However, he sighs and flips to a blank page and holds his pen at the ready anyway. “Go ahead Izaya.” He encourages.

“Do you remember a month ago, when you were asking me why I manipulate people? You asked me if it made me feel strong, and I said, ‘Yes and no.’”

“I remember.” He nods.

“I…need to be in control of things. I need to control other people and the things they do and say. But I hate myself when I do it.” Just like I kinda hate myself for admitting this. It goes against everything I am to open up to Shiki so bluntly and honestly. But it has to be done.

“And because you hate yourself, it drives your self destructive habits?” He proposes. I nod.

“I think…that I never feel in control of myself. And I never have. So controlling situations and other people is how I cope. But…I know how shitty it is. The things that I do are shitty. And I hate it. But I need it.”

Something has changed in Shiki’s face since we started talking. All traces of weariness are gone, he looks intent and focused as he listens to me. It’s kinda nice, because I know for sure he’s listening and thinking through the things I say. But it’s also terrifying. When was the last time someone really, earnestly listened to me?

“Your dependency on destructive habits is worrying. But not unique. Many people, when they feel a lack of control, seek to take it out on themselves or people around them.”

“Or both, in my case.” I huff.

“Do you have any idea why you feel such a lack of control over yourself?” Shiki isn’t as blunt as he usually is, but he’s by no means delicate either. I still flinch at the question, just maybe not as much.

“I…assume it has something to do with how I was raised, or the chemical composition of my brain.”

“Would you like to talk about how you were raised? It seems to be on your mind, if it was the first thing you could think of.” Sometimes I really hate how perceptive he is. Any other time I would be desperate to change the subject. But this is for the best.

“I was alone a lot. My parents have always worked abroad- leaving me with nannies, and eventually just leaving me by myself. They’d be gone entire months at a time. And they’d only ever come home for a few days before leaving again.”

“But you still had some social interaction in the form of the nannies, and at school, right?” Shiki points out. I scoff.

“The nannies my parents picked weren’t exactly engaging. They were there for the money, or for their own ends, not to interact with a needy little boy. And by the time I was going to school, I had this impression that all adult were like that. So I never got along with my teachers, let alone the carefree toddlers I went to school with. I was bitter with them, even back then.”

“Because they had something you didn’t?”

“Because they never had to think about the things I did. The didn’t have to go shopping by themselves to make sure there was food in the house. They didn’t have to worry about if the current nanny was going to hit them or not.”

Shiki’s knuckles turn white from the grip on his pen, though he tries to keep his face calm and level. “How often did you have to worry about that?” He asks cautiously.

“More often than I’d like to remember.” I admit tensely. “I always created some circumstance to get them fired, that’s why I went through so many. My parents just assumed it was because I was a bad kid and the nannies were doing what they had to do to get away from me.”

“You never explained it to them?”

“Who would you believe? An adult or a five year old?” Shiki scowls heavily now. I hurry on to hopefully distract him. “When my parents had the twins, my mother stayed home for half a year with them. And after she started going back to work, I managed to convince her not to hire another nanny. I told her I would take care of them.”

“She believed you? Just like that?”

“She probably noticed how self sufficient I was and decided to save some money by allowing me to have it my way.”

“But to become responsible for two infants at such a young age-” He seems to be having trouble wrapping his head around it.

“Hey I didn’t exactly do a good job of it. Obviously. I mean, look where they are now.” Shiki looks a bit embarrassed for some reason. I narrow my eyes suspiciously.

“I did look into their situation. I know the attending psychiatrist at the hospital they’re at. He couldn’t tell me anything specific, HIPPA laws and all that. But he did tell me that they seem to be enjoying themselves. Which, for people in our line of work, is odd. We don’t normally run into people who enjoy being in behavioral hospitals.”

Sounds about right. The girls must be thrilled to be surrounded by people. Especially since those people are cooing and fussing over them nonstop. “They have some issues. Probably from their lackluster childhood.”

“I’m sure you did the best you could, considering your own lackluster childhood. And the fact that you were still a child yourself.”

“Wow you’re really stuck on that part.” I drawl.

“Pardon me if I find it distressing.” He mutters causally. And then cringes at himself for admitting any weakness to me.

“Do I distress you Dr. Shiki?” I ask with a smirk. He ignores me.

“Don’t you have a grandmother nearby? Why didn’t you and the twins go stay with her?”

“Natsu wouldn’t allow it. She said it would only enable my parents to be gone more often than they already were. She would come to check on us periodically to make sure we weren’t dead. But other than that, she refused to get too involved, just on principal.” I think she regrets that now. Why else would she come to visit me, even if she knew the truth? She could have just called, after all.

“I see.” Shiki rumbles.

“So yeah, that’s the gist of it. I was alone a lot, abused occasionally, given a huge responsibility at an early age, and I had all the wrong reactions to it.” I sum up with a self depreciating chuckle. “Sounds like some tragic soap opera character’s backstory, when I lay it all out like that.”

Shiki isn’t amused. When is he ever? Still, I avoid looking at him so that I don’t have to be faced with his endless scowls.

“Thank you for telling me all of that.” He finally murmurs.

“So now what? How do you fix me?” I challenge, anxious to get to that fixing part. I just need to get good enough. Just to the point where I’m not a danger to society anymore. Then I can talk him into discharging me early. As early as possible.

“I’ve held off on starting you with any medications, but given the full scope of things I think that would be a good idea. Continuing your therapy will help as well. You still have more than a month of your observation to complete. But after you’re discharged, I’d like you to continue coming to see me once a week. I see outside clients on the days I don’t come in here. Would that be acceptable to you?”

Going to see a shrink every week consistently sounds awful. But…I guess Shiki is kinda the best one I’ve had. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if it was him.

“Fine.” I grumble. He smiles ever so slightly.

“I’m going to start you with low dose anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. You’ll have to be honest with me throughout the process of finding the right type and dose for you. Patients rarely ever see improvement on the first try with medication. It can take years to get it right.”

“I know.” I mutter.

“Now then, I just have one last question for our session today, and afterwards you can head out early.” I do like the sound of cutting it short, since it’s been a pretty heavy session. I glance up at him nervously. “If all your behaviors have been simply attention seeking or coping, why did you convince your sisters to try killing themselves?”

My stomach twists so tight I feel like it takes the breath out of my lungs for a moment. Outwardly I think I manage to stay pretty stoic. But inside…well, inside I’ve always been a mess. No change there.

“I don’t know. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time.” I tell him softly. He considers me carefully for a long moment and sighs through his nose.

“Alright. You can go.” He’s in no way convinced, I’m sure of it. But I don’t stick around to give him the chance to change his mind.

I’ve said a lot of things today that I had sworn I would never say. And instead of feeling lighter for it, I feel heavy. Heavy and tired and panicked. My heart is racing as I make my way back to my room. I hate the feeling of it fluttering in my chest. If I had it my way, it would just be still.

But I guess that’s not good for you, when your heart stops beating. I dunno, it always sounded like a good idea to me. I guess that’s why I live in a mental hospital.

Hopefully I won’t for too much longer. Now that I broke and spilled to Shiki, hopefully things can start rolling in a general ‘discharge’ direction.

I want to- no, I need to leave. Before things can get any worse for me here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bold of you to assume that Izaya could be 100% honest with you without some serious digging, Doctor Shiki. But thanks for playing. At least you got a good chunk of #TragicBackstory!


	17. Day 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well that de-escalated quickly. (Get it, it's a joke because we're back at the beginning suddenly! lolololololol)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today, because it's more dramatic that way. sorry...

DAY 0

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I need an ambulance. My sisters are unconscious, I think they overdosed.”

“What address are you at sir?”

I barely have the mental capacity to relay it to the operator. I’m too busy trying to decide if I should make them throw up or not. When the voice on the other end of the line tells me that the ambulance is on its way, I drop my cell phone and stick my finger down Kururi’s throat.

Her vomit pretty much just goes over the side of her bed. Mairu’s vomit pretty much goes everywhere though. She blinks up at me, obviously dazed and confused as she tries to comprehend what made her throw up. I scowl.

“You idiots.” I snarl.

“But…Iza-nii always says…”

“Never fucking listen to what I say.” I have to resist the urge to shake her. But in the end, I’m more concerned than angry. Though only by a thin margin.

I glance back at my quiet sister. Kururi’s eyes are closing again. I let go of Mairu to try to keep her twin semi-aware. But it’s a futile effort. By the time the ambulance gets there, they’re both unconscious again. And while I am awake, I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m conscious either.

I feel like I’m in a nightmare. And the worst part is, I know there’s no waking up from it. Things are just going to get worse.

I’m gonna get fucking slapped, I already know it.

But at this point, I guess I deserve it. Scratch that, I definitely deserve it.

///

“Izaya!” I jerk up from the uncomfortable, plastic hospital chair I’ve been sitting in for twelve hours now. Shirou looks pretty frazzled as he paces down the hall towards me. But Kyouko just looks pissed. It’s her fury that I want to shrink away from. The closer she gets, the bigger my urge to run becomes.

“Kyouko, I-” She cuts me off with a savage slap across my face. Well, I figured that would happen..

A couple nurses who are passing by look startled, and then angry. They even step forward, intending to separate us. Shirou nervously stutters out an apology to them, trying to shoo them away. They don’t come any closer, but they don’t disperse either.

All of this is lost on the woman who grabbed their attention to begin with. I’m her sole focus currently. It’s horrific.

“How dare you.” Kyouko spits, so close to me that I can feel the fire she’s breathing. I wonder if she’s ever felt this upset on my behalf. Probably not. But for her precious babies who can do no wrong…that’s a completely different story.

“Kyouko, you haven’t even asked him what happened. He couldn’t be responsible for what happened to the girls, that’s-”

“It’s my fault.” I talk over my father without breaking eye contact with my mother. Her eyes twitches, and her fists honest to god shake at her sides. I’m pretty damn sure that if we were at home, she would be beating me right now. “It’s my fault the girls are here.”

“Izaya…” Shirou rumbles, in something like disbelief. Except there’s resignation in his tone. Like he doesn’t doubt it as much as he just wishes it weren’t true. He sighs heavily, rubbing his face before peeking over his hand at me. “Where are the girls now?”

“Getting their stomachs pumped. The doctor said they probably didn’t need to, but it’s just to be safe.” Kyouko raises a hand to slap me again, but Shirou catches her this time. The nurses who are still standing by intervene as well, shepherding me away from my parents while they start to argue right there in the middle of the hall. It’s like some bad soap opera. I wish I could change the channel.

“Are you okay young man?” The nurse who’s leading me away asks me, in that quintessential sweet nurse voice. But it’s kind of a stupid question. She must have heard everything that was said. How could she possibly think anything is okay right now?

“I’m fine.” I mumble anyway.

She takes me to the cafeteria and sits me down with a cup of water. And she leaves me there, with a comforting pat on my shoulder. Like that will make up for the fact that my mother just bitch slapped me in the middle of a hospital.

I still haven’t touched the water when the chair across from me is pulled out and occupied. I glance up at Shirou and immediately look away.

“So. You’ve been busy while we’ve been gone. Expelled from school. Again.” He starts, the long suffering obvious in his voice.

“I have my GED. I don’t need to be going to school anyway.” I huff.

“Let’s not forget about getting other people expelled too, that was a new accomplishment. Usually they just get suspended and you get kicked out.” Yeah, Kyouko was thrilled when she got the newest call from my newest school. There was a lot of over-the-phone screeching that day.

“He was an asshole. The school won’t miss him.”

“And then there’s this. Putting your little sisters in the hospital.” He pauses to inhale deeply. Shirou doesn’t get enough credit for how expertly he hides his emotions. He always strives for this chipper facade. I can never tell exactly what he’s really feeling. It’s always been unnerving. “I have to say, I never expected you to go this far.”

“That makes two of us.” I whisper, clenching my palms tight.

“Are you saying you didn’t mean to put them in the hospital?” He asks hopefully. Why he’s trying to see the good in me at a time like this, I’ll never know. But I’ll take it, because god knows my mother isn’t.

As if on cue, the deadly clack of her heels echoes into the room, heralding the woman’s entrance. “More likely, he was aiming for the morgue.” Kyouko sneers as she pulls out a chair to sit as well. She’s calmer than before, likely Shirou sent her outside to smoke or something. But she’s still pissed. Really pissed.

“Honey, don’t be ridiculous. Izaya would never actively try to kill someone. Especially not his sisters.” Shirou insists. I don’t know why he chooses to be so optimistic. Especially about me. Especially after what I’ve done. No one else bothers with giving me a chance anymore. But whatever I guess.

“Your sisters are lucky to be alive.” Kyouko hisses.

“I know.” Even though I don’t think they took nearly enough pills to even possibly kill themselves. But that is so the wrong thing to say.

“They’ll get the help they need, my love.” Shirou insists, trying to calm his wife. I wonder where they’re sending the girls. I bet it’s nice, with a swimming pool and a garden on the patio. Probably similar to the first one I went to. It feels like forever ago.

“Let me guess, Aurora BH?”

“St. Augustine’s.” Shirou corrects me, much to Kyouko’s displeasure. And my own. I mean, I’ve been to some pretty pricey places, but they never bothered to send me to St. Augustine’s. That’s for the really privileged and doe eyed broken children. The cute kind that are still redeemable.

“I’m sure they’ll be very happy there.” I scoff.

“I assume they will be. But more importantly, they’ll receive the care they require.” Shirou nods resolutely. “And so will you Izaya.”

I have to admit, I’m surprised. “What are you talking about?”

“This is where you’ll be going.” Kyouko states, sliding her phone in front of me. She’s pulled up a web page that looks like it hasn’t been updated in maybe ten years. But because of the lack of upkeep, it’s instantly recognizable to me.

“Ikebukuro Behavioral Hospital?” I read aloud. I’ve heard stories of it while I’ve been at other hospitals. It’s the kind of place you don’t want people to find out you went to. Like real rehab, but for depression and shit. It’s next level.

Actually, it’s pretty much the final level, from what I’ve heard. The end of the road type of deal.

“I’ve already made the arrangements. We’re taking you over in an hour.” Kyouko tells me coldly.

“It’s past midnight.” I point out, at a loss for anything else to say.

“Yeah, well, I can’t bear to look at you until the morning comes around.” My mother tells me while looking me in the eye. My stomach twists so hard I think I might be sick.

“What your mom means to say…” Shirou interrupts, ever the peace keeper. “Is that we left very important jobs to be here. We want to be with the girls as much as possible before we have to leave again. So getting you over to the hospital as soon as possible is for the best.” Yeah, it’ll take away one more burden for them.

“I wanted to take you to a holding cell.” Kyouko isn’t shy about speaking her mind. Especially not right now.

“Don’t be cruel Kyouko.” Shirou finally lets go of his mask just long enough to sigh at his wife. Then he smiles at me. “Please do your best at this hospital Izaya. I’m afraid that this is the only thing we have left to do for you.”

“Meaning that if you get discharged early for any reason, we won’t be here for you to fall back on. Do you understand?” My mother narrows her eyes even more, which I didn’t think was possible, so she must really mean it.

I swallow around the knot in my throat. “I understand.”

“We want what’s best for you Izaya. We just wish you could have a healthy, happy life. That’s all.” Shirou tries to insist. If I wasn’t already in so much trouble, I would laugh right in his face.

At this point, I’m convinced they’ve never given one single fuck about my life and my happiness.

I nod anyways. “I know.” Liar.

“It’s for the best that you go here.” Shirou adds, trying to be enthusiastic. It’s best for them, in any case. Out of sight, out of mind. Just like always.

“I know.” I repeat numbly. Shirou smiles at me. Kyouko glares. Just like always.

This is what my family is, and always has been. We hide from the things we don’t like. Our emotions. Our mistakes. Each other. Nothing ever changes.

And unless the Ikebukuro Behavioral Hospital can work actual miracles, nothing ever will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey does anyone else here know that Johnny Yong Bosch also voices Artemis in the VIZ dub of Sailor Moon? Because i just found that out tonight and i am SHOOK. yeah, so...there's that.


	18. Day 63

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some good fucking fucking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes i know i've referenced that meme before in a chapter summery, fight me, i like memes.

Day 63

“What’re you thinking about?” Shizuo rumbles curiously next to me. The TV is on, but I don’t think either of us are paying attention to it. And I know Chikage isn’t. He’s not even watching us, let alone the TV. He’s too busy working on a coloring page that someone left out on the table earlier.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re distracted. Well, more than usual. So what’re you thinking about?” He repeats.

“Just stuff.” I try to seem totally casual about it. He sees right through me.

“Bad stuff?” He presses.

“The night I got admitted.” I admit with a sigh. It’s not worth it to lie to Shizuo. I can never manage to pull it off. It’s infuriating.

The blond hums thoughtfully, eyeing me and then glancing at the nurse in our presence. Whatever he’s thinking of saying, he seems to decide it’s not a good idea to bring it up in public. Which doesn’t bode well, but whatever.

“Hey Chikage, I’m gonna take a shower. Since it’ll be a while ‘til they get back from art.” He announces. The nurse glances up from his coloring page and nods.

“Yeah, okay. Lemme get you your bucket.” As he’s standing, Shizuo elbows me with intention and I jump, drawing the nurses’ eyes.

“Oh, um, since you’re getting his, can you get mine? I should probably use this time to get in too.” I smile innocently at Chikage. Luckily he’s the nurse I know the least at this point, so he can’t tell how forced the charm in my grin is.

“Sounds like a plan, young man.” He agrees easily enough, leading us to the nurse’s station. He stays behind the desk as we walk away, already starting on his coloring page again.

I do like the nurses here, but I can’t help but to think that they’re kinda dumb. Their patients get away with a lot, right under their noses. Usually because of moment like this.

Shizuo glances over his shoulder at the nurse’s station and when he’s satisfied that we’re not being watched, he abruptly drags me into his room.

“Wow, I’m so shocked that you’re taking advantage of the situation.” I snicker as the blond backs me up into the bathroom. He’s on level two now, which means privacy privileges. I, on the other hand, need to keep my bathroom door open. Actually, speaking of which… “I should start my shower. In case he does rounds.” I point out.

Shizuo grunts a little in acknowledgement, sitting me down on the toilet. “Stay,” he orders, backtracking to the hall. I distantly hear him turn on my shower a few doors down, and then he’s back within a minute, pulling the bathroom door shut behind him.

“Eager, aren’t you?” I drawl. He yanks me up without a word and starts pulling clothes off me. I don’t think I’ve ever been totally naked in front of someone. It’s nerve wrecking, but also exciting somehow. But only because it’s with him.

“Turn on the shower for me.” He rumbles, eyeing me intently as he starts to strip as well. I can’t keep the heat from my cheeks as I feel his eyes devouring the sight of me. And once I’ve turned on the water and glanced back at him, I only blush harder.

Shizuo isn’t hard to look at normally. I’ll admit to one or two- or ten- selfish occasions of ogling him. But naked is a whole different story. Under clothes, he always looks so thin, like a beanpole. But I can see the lines of tissue lurking beneath his skin now. Powerful lines that speak of the monstrous strength he possesses.

How can someone be so willowy and so muscly at the same time?

“Like what you see?” Shizuo chuckles proudly. I snap my eyes back up to his face, feeling like a tomato all of the sudden.

“You’re alright I guess.” I say haughtily. Another soft laugh as he crowds in close to kiss me.

“Come here.” He murmurs against my lips, pulling me into the shower with him. It’s not quite warmed up yet. My skin breaks out in goosebumps that only get worse as he runs his fingers over them.

He’s unnecessarily careful as he maps out my body. I’m half convinced he’s determined to leave nothing untouched.

His fingertips linger on one particular spot on my thigh. I quirk my head to look down, watching his long digits stroke over the scar I gave myself my second night here.

“Is this the one that put you back on level one that first time?” He asks me gently. I nod, shivering as he scratches ever so lightly over the discolored patch of skin. It doesn’t hurt. But even if it did, I wouldn’t exactly mind.

Shizuo shocks me by dropping to his knees suddenly, planting a reverent kiss on the scar. My immediate reaction- to squirm away and hide in the corner of the shower- is stopped by his strong hands planting on either of my hips. And with me held captive in his grasp, he takes his time pressing slow kissing against each and every large scar etched on my thighs.

“Aren’t you disgusted?” It bursts from my lips when I just can’t take the sweet treatment anymore. Shizuo glances up at me through his damp fringe of blond hair and shakes his head.

“No. There’s nothing here to disgust me.” He promises, sucking gently at the newest scar again.

“You must have a pretty twisted ideal of beauty then.” I try to make it sound casual. I really do. But there’s a shiver in my tone that I hope he thinks is from his ministrations, and not the self depreciation that it is.

Of course, no luck there. “Hey. These scars aren’t something you should be ashamed of. They’re proof that you’ve had shitty times, but you came out on the other side of them still alive.”

“Not for lack of trying, I assure you.” I drawl, then yelp. Shizuo glares at me as he soothes his tongue over the bite mark he’s left on my hip. “Asshole.” I spit. He lunges back to his feet, planting his hands firmly on the shower wall to either side of my head. Caged in like this, I should feel uncomfortable. If it was anyone else, I would.

“You shouldn’t pretend that you’re so disappointed to be alive.” He chides me.

“Ha! Who’s pretending?” I snicker, and he growls. There’s always force behind his kisses, but this one feels especially overpowering. I would never admit it to him, but I like it when he gets desperate to shut me up. Because I get kisses like this, and the pressure of his hands gets almost tight enough to bruise.

“I’ll never forgive you if you die, shitty flea.” Shizuo tells me, surprisingly serious. On the other hand, I can’t help but to snicker.

“It wouldn’t matter if you never forgave me. I’d be dead.” I can tell that he’s getting close to the end of his fuse with me. Some days that fuse is longer than others. But maybe it’s just the subject that’s making it so short today. “Ne, Shizu-chan, do you think we can talk about this when we’re a little less naked and slippery?” I suppose with an innocent flutter of my eye lashes.

He seems to remember where we are and what his original purpose for this was. He blinks a few times, glancing around the shower stall and down my body. His eyes linger on the areas with the most scars- my thighs and hips. There are others, but they’ve mostly healed now. An untrained eye would never even see the ones on my arms.

But Shizuo is not an untrained eye. He devours the sight of me, every inch and every scar. And with a sigh he cups my chin and kisses me again.

This time there’s no urgency in the kiss, but there’s twice as much intensity. The slow, sweet movement of his tongue in my mouth actually stuns me. I didn’t think he was capable of tenderness like this.

“Shizu-chan, you sure know how to make a boy blush.” I murmur against his lips. For a second it looks like he’s not going to play along. But then he huffs and grins, pecking my lips quickly.

“Well, you’re a little more tolerable when you blush. So I gotta do what I gotta do.” His smirk only grows as my eyes narrow.

I want to do what I do best and give him hell for the remark. But he does what he does best first, stealing any word from my lips and replacing it with his own. But this time, as he kisses me, his hands begin to wander.

I’m not surprised by the palm that circles my dick. But the soft press of fingertips to my entrance does catch me off guard. I jerk my head back to stare speechlessly at him. He looks far too pleased with himself, and his smugness only grows as his middle finger curls in to dip inside me.

“What are you doing?”

“You know what I’m doing.” Shizuo drawls, rubbing the flat of his finger over the rim of my entrance. “Do you want me to do it?”

Do I? I mean, I’ve done some things I never thought I’d do since I came here, and they’ve almost all been with Shizuo. But this is different than grinding on a sink or making out in a storage closet. This is…a lot.

He can tell. My silence and fidgeting is enough of an answer for him. He stops moving his finger, but doesn’t pull away. “Hey, you can say ‘no’. I can stop.” He tells me, in such a firm tone that I know he means it. And that’s…somehow comforting. It makes it a little easier to look him in the eye and nod.

“Why not? I’m bored anyway.” I aim for casual nonchalance. Which he might’ve believed if I hadn’t prefaced it with a prolonged moment of awkward silence.

Still, he’s as opportunistic as always and doesn’t wait for me to change my mind. His finger sinks into me, not going very easily either. Even though we’re in the shower, the slide of his skin against my insides is dry and rough and I gasp compulsively.

“Ah- wait-” I stretch onto my toes and he pulls his finger away. “Soap. Or something, just use something.” I hiss, jerking my head in the direction of the bucket he left on the other side of the shower curtain.

“Oh. Sorry.” He mumbles, blushing at his own stupidity. He ducks around the curtain lightening fast to grab the cheap body wash that we’re provided here. “You sure this is okay to put inside your body?” He asks doubtfully.

“Don’t care. If you want to fuck me, do it right Shizu-chan.” I goad, turning to lay my warm face against the chilly tile. I shiver from the cold, then from the heat of his body pressing into my back. This time when his fingers dip between my lower cheeks, they’re slick and slimy. But one finger sinks in so much easier, wrenching a shuddering sigh from my chest.

“Better?” Shizuo asks softly, with a kiss to the base of my neck. I nod wordlessly, wary of using my voice. It is better like this, but it’s still uncomfortable. Only because it’s new, and new things don’t tend to be good for me. But it doesn’t hurt, and I’m not intending to ask him to stop for anything less than pain. Maybe not even then.

Shizuo continues placing firm kisses across my shoulders as he slowly works his finger in and out. And then eventually, he adds another. I shudder, pressing harder to the wall. He shushes me softly, like I’m a spooked animal. Sometimes I feel like that’s all he sees me as. Which is ironic, considering how much of an animal __he__ is.

I don’t make another sound until he crooks his fingers and brushes across my prostate. Even then, its only a gasp that I muffle into the palm of my hand. Shizuo sighs against my neck.

“Wish I could hear you for real. Wish I could lay you on a bed and fuck you so good that you’d scream. You’d beg me to never stop.” He whispers it all, with a kind of casual softness that has me choking on my own saliva. I bite down on the side of my hand, clenching the joint of my thumb between my teeth.

His fingers spread rhythmically, occasionally brushing my nerves so deliciously that I actually throw my head back against his shoulder during one slow stroke. “Ah- hurry up- Shizu-chan-” I gasp out, trying to be as quiet as his filthy words have been. He growls so softly that it’s more of feeling against my back than a sound.

“You were the one who told me to do it right.” Shizuo mutters, thrusting his fingers in as far as he can. But when he pulls them away, it’s to pull the out completely.

I shudder a sigh, waiting and listening to the click of the body wash bottle being opened again. Shizuo kind of hisses as he spreads the- hopefully safe for use- goo over his dick. And then the warm head of it is against my entrance, rubbing sinful friction against my hole, but never quite pushing in.

“Nngh- when are you going to fucking do it?” I snarl, glaring at him from under my wet bangs. He grins viciously for all of a second before he thrusts up and the head of his dick slides into my body.

It’s like someone has reached down my throat and squeezed my lungs in a vice grip. I have to bite down on my hand again immediately, but even then, some little whimper manages to tear free of my throat. Shizuo shushes me, the bastard.

“Fuck, you’re tight…” He groans almost directly into my ear. I shiver, trying to primarily focus on the stretch of my body around just the beginning of his cock.

Shizuo gets over it first, and starts to shallowly work his hips back and forth to inch his way further into me. He keeps grabbing my hips, then palming over my thighs, then going back to my waist. I feel like he’s not quite sure what to do with his hands. Like, he might want to try holding me up, but he’s not sure how, or something like that. He is a dumb monster, after all.

But the dumb monster has a dick that goes on for ages. It feels like hours have passed before he finally sighs and presses his hips against my ass- fully sheathing himself as much as he can in this position.

I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. It comes out harsh as it breaks against my hand, and he definitely hears it. His little chuckle feels like another physical blow to my pride. But before I can bitch at him for being condescending in this particular moment, he starts to move.

I wouldn’t say that it’s painful really. He did stretch me really well, as it turns out. And he was so very slow pushing in the first time that there was no sharp ache or tearing feeling, or anything like that. I’m sure the body wash helped matters too. So I’m not in pain. But I am in something.

The feeling of him- of all of him- being inside of me is…it’s a lot. And then to feel him start moving on top of that! It’s another hit to my pride, but I have to moan. I just have to.

The sound doesn’t make it past the roaring of the water around us, but it’s loud enough that Shizuo hears it. And instead of a little chuckle, this time I get a more urgent thrust back inside as the blond starts to lose patience with the whole slow-and-steady thing.

He’s apparently figured out where to keep his hands too. One curls around my hip on my left, and the other loops around my chest to cup my pec. His thumb idly strokes and plays with my nipple- it’s such a small sensation. By all rights it should be lost in the much, much larger sensation of him fucking into me. But it’s not. I toss my head back against his shoulder again, writhing.

“Is it good Izaya?” Shizuo breathes hotly against my cheek. I don’t realize I’m nodding until he groans low and licks at the beads of water dripping down my skin.”Fuck, you feel amazing.”

His pleasure is evident in the way his thrusting starts to pick up more and more. But no matter how fast he goes, he never seems fully satisfied. Finally he has to drop his hand from my chest to hike up my leg, and the way it opens up my entrance allows him to sink in at least a full inch more.

It takes every ounce of self control I have not to keen at the feeling of him so deep. I feel like, if I looked down, I would be able to see him in my belly. The shape of his cock pounding into me over and over again- I’m sure I’d see it clear as day.

Instead, I tip my head back as far as it will go, reaching with my free hand to knot my fingers in his hair. The tug against his locks is repaid with a bite low on my shoulder. Somewhere I can thankfully hide. I’m glad he’s finally getting that in his head. Maybe there is a light in the attic.

Not that I’m one to talk right this moment. All I can seem to think about is Shizuo, and the feeling of him inside me. And- surprisingly- how much I fucking like it. How much I want it to happen again and again and again.

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard one day. You won’t ever be able to walk without feeling me inside you when I’m done with you. I’ll fuck you every day in every way i can think of, and you’ll always know that you’re mine. And that no one hurts what’s mine.” His possessive growls do nothing but make me achingly hard- like his fucking didn’t do a good enough job of that.

And then he draws his hand on my hip up to bunch in my hair, turning my face towards his and catching me by surprise. So much so that I let my own palm fall from its safe place across my mouth.

“And that fucking includes you, you little shit. If I ever find out you hurt yourself again, I’ll make sure you regret it. In the most delicious way possible, I’ll make you regret it.” He vows.

My mouth hangs open, great gasping breaths raging in and out of my chest. And it must be too much for him to handle. He barely makes it to the end of his threatening promise before he’s crushing his mouth to mine with every ounce of attention he can spare.

But far from sacrificing the quality of his fucking, the kiss only seems to make him more intent to fuse our bodies together at our very core. I cry out into his mouth as one of his thrusts hits home against my prostate. And he swallows the sound eagerly, drinking it in as my cum splatters across the wall of the shower.

I slump against him, no ounce of energy left to stay upright. He has to shift me forward to lean fully against the wall again, just so he can keep hold of me and not let me slip away to the ground. And once he’s sure that I’m at least sort-of stable, he goes to town.

Breathy pants rake through my chest as he chases his orgasm, almost crossing over into too much as he uses my abused hole. But it doesn’t last for long.

He stiffens against me, crowding in so close that I feel like I may never be able to peel myself off the wall. But that feeling pales in comparison to the feeling of his warmth filling me up inside.

I groan as he thrusts shallowly one more time then slides out. His cum follows his retreat, slowly dripping down the back of my thighs and being lost to the spray of the water seconds later. Well, it may not be the most comfortable place for this, but the shower sure is handy for clean up.

Shizuo takes roughly five minutes to wake up from his post-fucking stupor. And the first thing he does is turn me around to kiss me good and soundly. The second thing he does is sink his fingers back inside of me to hold me open so the water can wash away the rest of his cum.

“Nngh-” I groan, burying my face in his chest.

“I meant it, you know.” He mumbles into my hair. I decide to play deaf, staying absolutely still and silent. Which only lasts as long as it takes for him to grab my face and point it up towards him. He certainly looks serious. He’s downright solemn, in fact. “I mean it. You’re mine. And you better not fucking hurt what’s mine.”

“I’m mine before I’m ever anyone else’s.” I tell him firmly. His eyes bored into me. Through me. It leaves me feeling hollowed out, and yet so full.

“I won’t let you hurt yourself anymore.” He insists, rephrasing his statement, but keeping the core essential. I roll my eyes.

“Fine, whatever.” It doesn’t cost anything to agree with him right now. There’s no way he’ll be able to keep track of me once one of us gets discharged, so why not pander to him?

And it works for now. Shizuo smiles softly at me, pressing another peck to my lips before reaching over to turn off the water.

“You should probably go turns yours off too. I’ll distract Chikage while you dash into your room.” He suggests.

“Yeah, okay.” I agree, shakily following him out of the stall. He hands me my towel, drying off with his own at a much faster rate than I’ve ever dried off in my life. By the time I’ve patted the water off my legs up to my ass, he’s already dressed. I wrap the towel around my waist and tuck my clothes into my bucket, following him out into his room.

It’s fucking freezing out here. I choose to believe that’s the reason I’m shivering as he walks away towards the nurses’ station and I slip into my room.

It absolutely couldn’t have anything to do with the way he was looking at me. And I refuse to believe it has anything to do with his demands. Shizuo doesn’t have that kind of power over me. I don’t even have that much power over me!

Now if only he would accept that as well. Because, as it stands, he seems pretty freaking sure of himself.

It’s enough to unsettle me for the entire rest of the day. And probably the week. Hell, if Shizuo continues at this rate, I have the feeling he’ll stay with me the rest of my life. Lurking in the back of my mind forever.

The worst part of all of it is…I don’t think I’d mind that.

I need to hurry and get the fuck out of here. Before it’s too late for my poor, shriveled heart to ever recover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, i'm usually pretty good about replying to comments before i post the next chapter, but i'm about two chapters behind right now, and i'm sorry. i've just been...depressed. like...really depressed. But i promise i will get around to replying to everyone! and it does make me incomprehensibly happy to hear from everyone! Really, it does, i just don't have the mental energy to reply to you beauties just yet!   
> In any case, i hope you enjoyed this sinner's chapter! I'll see you lovelies next time!


	19. Night 67

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rock, meet bottom.

Night 67

It’s one of those evenings that’s just so dull that it has to last forever. I swear it’s been free time for roughly five hours now. A glance over at Namie at least assures me that she’s suffering the same as I am. She looks painfully bored.

“I hate this.” She states vehemently. I nod wordlessly. “Do something.”

“Like what?” I drawl, not intending to do anything, especially if she tells me to do it.

“Cause some mayhem. Start a war or something, I don’t fucking know.”

“Sorry, I’m off mayhem right now.” I sigh, rubbing my eyes. I’m not particularly tired- since I do sleep a lot these days- but mentally I’m exhausted. Boredom always takes a big tole on me.

“Lame.” Namie grunts, flicking a wadded up scrap of paper at me. It must’ve been left over from group earlier when Anri decided to tear her worksheet up. It was the most aggressive thing I’ve seen the girl do, but damn was it unsettling. Her and Mikado deserve each other.

I cringe at the thought. I wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone, not even Anri.

“There’s gotta be something to do.” Namie sounds pretty desperate. Out of the corner of my eye I watch Mika nod her head across the table, where she’s pretending to not be listening to us.

“There is. It’s called going to bed early.” I deadpan.

“When did you get so disgustingly dreary?” That’s a good question. Probably around the same time I gave up any hope of having control in my life.

According to Shiki, admitting that I don’t have control will actually help me acquire it, or something. I don’t know, it sounds like bullshit to me. But if it gets me closer to being discharged, I’m all for it.

“Will you go outside with me?” Namie suggests.

“It’s too late, Simon will never allow it. ‘You might catch cold’.” I mock him ever so slightly. Just enough for Namie’s mouth to curve into a sharp smirk.

“Ugh. What about to your room then? We can do something to keep occupied there.” Her voice has dropped a few keys into something that’s making an attempt at being sultry. I roll my eyes.

“You can’t put a thermometer up my ass, Namie.” I shut her down. She huffs, slouching in her seat.

“What a buzzkill.”

“You know who I bet would love a little sadistic action?” I lean in close to whisper to her, and surprisingly she allows it. She really must be desperate for stimulation. “Drag Mikado into it. You might just get to see a side of him you’ll never forget.” A side that I know Namie would definitely report if she ever found out about. She values her own safety enough to actually go to a nurse about Aoba.

“Pass. Hard pass.” Well, so much for that thought.

“Then I don’t know what to tell you. Plant a bomb or something.” I shrug uselessly. A wordless, annoyed groan drawls from her throat. I almost feel bad for her. Almost.

“I hate you so much right now.” She tells me.

“Join the club, we have jackets.” I drawl back instantly. She rolls her eyes so hard I can practically feel the shock wave of it.

“Look, there has to be something we can-”

A piercing scream interrupts Namie, and both of us whip towards the sound. Several gasps ring around the day room as we all take in the sight of Saki clutching her arm to her chest, fat tears rolling down her face. It takes me a second to realize what’s wrong with her arm to make her scream like that.

But then my eyes compute what they’re seeing, and that the angle of her bones is all wrong. It’s broken. Her arm is broken.

“Why?! Why Shizuo, why?!” She screams, great heaving sobs making her words almost intelligible. But there’s still no mistaking what she’s said. And who she’s just accused of breaking her bones.

I hadn’t even realized that Shizuo was standing in front of her until her cry of his name. Shizuo looks like he’s in the same boat. From what I can tell, he was just trying to leave the day room. He was probably gonna go chat with Nurse Celty or something. And instead everyone is looking at him like he’s the devil himself. Even Nurse Egor.

The Russian man charges over instantly to put some space between the wounded party and her supposed attacker. Only, this can’t be real. Shizuo couldn’t have attacked her.

I mean, theoretically, Shizuo does have the strength to casually break a small girl’s bones. But…he wouldn’t. I’m absolutely certain that he would never use his strength like that. Not unless he was provoked first. And the guy looks too shocked for me to believe that Saki could have so quietly egged him on without anyone realizing it.

But why would she lie about that? What the fuck could she possibly gain from accusing Shizuo like this?

My skin breaks out in goosebumps from the feeling of being watched. I was too focused on the scene happening in the doorway of the room to realize it at first. But now that my brain has reached the end of it’s rope about what it’s seeing, it’s starting to become aware of my surroundings again.

And the first thing it becomes aware of is the fact that both Vorona and Mikado are staring at me. Everyone else in the room is watching on- horrified- as Nurse Egor demands an explanation from a catatonic Shizuo. But the two most dangerous people in the entire ward are very blatantly looking at me.

And they look…smug?

Oh fuck. Really? Why would they cause this shit show? Mikado I kind of understand, the dude is whacked. But Vorona? She has a total boner for Shizuo. Getting him in trouble for attacking another patient seems like the wrong way to go about having a crush on someone.

But she is a sociopath. Who the fuck knows what’s going on in her head.

“Everyone go to your rooms please.” Nurse Celty has appeared in the room, drawn in by Saki’s scream and Nurse Egor’s frazzled shouting. Namie tugs on me when I remain seated, locked in deep eye contact with the evil wonder twins.

“C’mon.” She demands, bodily pulling me out of my seat. I allow her to lead my out of the day room, but I keep glaring back at the demons as I go.

I’m not sure why they’re doing this, but I know it’s their fault. I wish I could let Shizuo know that too. But Namie is yanking me along so fast that I don’t get a chance to even make eye contact with him. He looks busy anyway, being interrogated by three nurses now, as Saki continues to cry a few feet away.

He’s gonna have a very hellish night, unless something is done. And I do intend to do something. I just need to talk to Vorona and Mikado. There has to be a reason for this.

And I’m not going to rest until I figure out what it is.

Namie takes me to my room and collapses on my bed next to me. Shinra slinks in about a minute later, looking manically pleased by everything that happened.

“Did you see it? A perfect example of a closed fracture! The bones definitely broke all the way through, the bruising alone proves that! But it didn’t even break skin! It’s amazing really! Shizuo is amazing!” He yammers on. I feel myself burning.

“Shizuo didn’t do it.” I spit at him. Namie raises an eyebrow.

“Did you not hear her screaming bloody murder at him?” She demands, propping herself up on my pillows.

“It was Vorona. And Mikado.” I insist. And neither of them attempt to change my mind. They know I’m right. At the very least, they know that the two maniacs are capable of orchestrating something like this.

“What are you going to do? Testify on Shizuo’s behalf?” Namie asks dryly.

“I’m going to find out what they want.” Once I know that, I’ll figure out my next step. What I do very much depends on what they’re doing, unfortunately.

“Whoa, don’t you think that’s a bad idea? You’ve been desperate avoiding trouble since you got here. Don’t put your nose in it now.” Namie grabs me by my arm, like I might charge from the room to ruin my life is she doesn’t keep hold of me. And she might just be right.

Especially when Vorona passes deliberately casually in front of my room with a small smirk on her normally passive lips. I hate her.

“Let me go.” I hiss at Namie without looking at her.

“Look Izaya, it’s not worth it. I know you like Shizuo, but don’t fuck up your own life for him.” Hah. It’ll be far from the first time I’ve fucked up my life for someone else. The only difference is that this time, I actually want to. I want to help Shizuo. No matter what it costs.

I finally look at Namie, narrowing my eyes pointedly. “Let. Me. Go.” Her hand tightens and then releases me. I nod, then charge towards the door. I barely even catch Shinra’s confused little, “Izaya likes Shizuo?” before I’m out in the hall.

Vorona doesn’t share a room with anyone, she hasn’t since I came here. Like Shizuo, she was deemed too dangerous to another person to be placed with a roommate. Which means she has an empty bed for visitors.

Visitors like Mikado. He’s kicking back on the empty bed like it’s his throne. And one sharp smirk at me is all I need to know it’s not really Mikado at all. Aoba.

“What the fuck are you two up to?” I hiss the second I walk through the doorway. Neither of them look intimidated. I’m sure that to them I look like a small dog with a big bark and no bite. I never established any power in this hospital- because I was genuinely trying to get better.

Instead of getting better, I’ve lost any sway I might have had to fix the situation. All I am now is a pawn. And they know it.

“Aww, is someone upset? I guess I would be too, if my boyfriend was a violent sadist who runs around breaking little girls’ arms.” Aoba crows happily. Vorona’s face doesn’t twitch. But she’s staring so intently at me that when she blinks at the word ‘boyfriend’, it’s as good as a flinch.

“Shizuo didn’t do that.” I repeat what I said so vehemently to Namie and Shinra. These two don’t look surprised like my roommate and friend were. I guess they wouldn’t be, since they’re the fuckers that did do it. “Why? Vorona, you like Shizuo, why would you do this to him?”

“It is better if Shizuo is moved off ward. Too many…distractions here for him. My only wish is for him to get better. And he cannot do that around you.” She explains in a terrifyingly emotionless voice.

“Yeah, and Vorona can get herself moved to whatever ward Shizuo is sent to without a problem. You can’t though. You’ll be here with me.” Aoba smiles, and I want to immediately jump in the shower, it makes me feel so dirty.

And angry. This whole fucking thing just makes me so angry.

“I can always tell the nurses what you’re doing.” I hiss. They don’t look worried.

“You could. But would they believe you? After all, we’ve been on our best behaviors here, ever since we were admitted. Meanwhile you and Shizuo have been at each others throats since day one. It would make much more sense that you put Saki up to it and tried to shift the blame to Shizuo. Or us.” Aoba purrs.

“And Saki does have such a liking for you. She would do anything you told her.” Vorona adds sagely.

“Jesus Christ, at this rate all four of us will get discharged.” I mutter. And while I wouldn’t mind that, I wanted to be able to say I was discharged because I was ready to be. Not because someone else screwed me over.

“It could get very ugly.” Aoba agrees with a sigh. “A lot of lives could get ruined, you know.” I’m very aware.

Vorona tips her head to the side, her unblinking eyes all the creepier for the innocence she’s trying to sell. “Of course, if you were to take the blame instead, I think things would be better for everyone involved.”

I don’t have words at first. Nothing comes to mind besides the general rage. And that will get me no where.

“Say, that’s a good idea. Shizuo could stay on ward, with no new black mark for his record- and trust me, he needs that. And you could be transferred to someplace where there’s less interaction between patients! And less of me, too.” Aoba jumps in, acting like a salesman. Too bad he’s selling literal rock bottom to me.

I don’t bother to tell them that I wouldn’t be transferred. I’d be kicked out, if I’m not sent straight to jail. If I’m not arrested, I’ll be on the streets, because my parents would proceed to kick me out as well. Who knows if my grandmother would be there to fall back on. It’s not something I want to depend on.

And with everyone turning their backs on me- again- there’s really only one way for my life to go. At least this time there won’t be anyone who shows up to stop me. Still, it’s not fair.

“You’re putting an awful lot of faith in your ability to guilt trip me.” I tell them bleakly.

“Not at all. As I’ve said, it will be easy enough to get myself transferred to Shizuo’s new ward. You are merely the Plan A.” Out of god knows how many plans Vorona has laid out. That’s one thing to be said for a sociopath, they’re always prepared.

“Yeah, I don’t mind if you stay out of this. Gives us more time to play.” Aoba grins manically. I suppress a shudder.

“It’s up to you how this plays out Izaya. You can cooperate and save Shizuo a lot of trouble. Or you could ignore all of it and save yourself a lot of trouble. But if you choose your third option and start a war, know that I will win.” Vorona stands as she speaks. Even though we’re about the same height, and still a good five feet apart, I feel like I’m looking at a titan. But there’s still one thing I can do to bring her down to size.

“It doesn’t matter what you do, to Shizuo or to me. Because he’s never going to want you Vorona. You can isolate him in a new ward, and it will only make him hate you more.”

Far from looking surprised, she only shrugs. “I don’t require his affection. It would be useful, but not necessary. Now, what do you choose.”

Crazy bitch. I don’t give her an answer. I don’t want to acknowledge her at all. I leave the room, burning with anger, and go straight to the nurse’s station. Only Celty is there, and she’s on the phone, talking frantically with someone. Whether it’s the doctor’s in charge of the hospital, or maybe an EMT or something, I don’t care.

She notices me standing there, and mutters a quick, “Excuse me,” into the receiver before lowering it. Her mouth opens, I can practically see the words on her lips. She wants me to go back to my room. She wants me to behave until everything has been settled with Saki and Shizuo. I cut her to the chase though.

“Shizuo didn’t do it. I did. I told Saki to break her arm. I don’t know why she decided to blame Shizuo, I’m sure it was to impress me. But I don’t want any of the credit to go to that dumb beast. It was my fault.”

She’s stunned, I can see it. I continue to stare at her, feeling eyes on my back as well. I don’t care who’s watching, who’s listening. Everyone in this whole damn place can bear witness if they want.

“What…are you…sure?” Celty asks, giving me the opportunity to take it back. Even though I’m pretty sure that’s against her moral code as a nurse.

“I’m to blame here.” At least that part is true. Celty mumbles an apology into the phone, finishes up her conversation as quickly as she can, and then comes around to the outside of the nurses’ station.

“You’re gonna stay in the observation room for the night, Izaya. In the morning, your doctor will be here to speak to you about the situation, okay?” I nod obediently, allowing her to lead me away. I try to detach myself with each step, closing off the part of me that’s crying right now.

No amount of tears are going to help me. They never have. They never will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHITS GOING DOWN! WELCOME TO THE MAIN PLOT BITCHES!  
> (and also, i am very slowly replying to comments. i'm doing my best guys...sorry...)


	20. Day 68

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever have those mornings where you take a moment and ponder all the various ways you could slip into a coma before your alarm goes off? Izaya lives in that moment at this point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies to everyone that i've emotionally exhausted with the violent roller coaster that the last several chapters have been! Gomennasai! Bear with me just a bit longer, i promise it'll be worth it!

Day 68

Shiki arrives at the hospital early in the morning. Before breakfast, and even vitals, have been announced. It’s definitely before six, since I’m shaken awake by a very tired looking Simon, who takes me to the session office. He doesn’t speak to me as we go, which is enough to totally unnerve me.

Simon has never been so quiet around me. I guess he just finally has nothing to say. That, or what he wants to say is just that bad.

I don’t blame him. I’m probably saying worse to myself right now. And not to mention what Shiki is going to say to me.

He’ll be cranky. At least, that’s what I’ve been preparing for. Having to come here super early would be enough to make someone cranky, let alone for something like this.

But Shiki is calm and collected when I sit across from him. He looks me in the eye, which is something Simon couldn’t do. The doc doesn’t even sigh before asking me to explain what happened. His voice is patient, maybe more so than usual. It’s all very weird, and the only thing I can think is that this must be what Shiki looks like when he’s angry.

It’s more terrifying than I could have imagined. No amount of psyching myself up overnight could have prepared me for this.

I swallow thickly, but do what I need to do. “It’s like I told Nurse Celty. I got Saki to break her arm, because she was enamoured with me and I knew she’d do it. I just wanted her to leave me alone for a bit. I didn’t expect her to blame Shizuo. I’m sure she did because she knows how much I hate him. But he shouldn’t get any credit for it.” I keep my voice as distant as possible. That’s the best way to make this all seem genuine.

“You didn’t want him to take the credit, or you didn’t want him to take the blame?” Shiki deadpans. I refuse to flinch.

“The credit.” I insist. He hums thoughtfully.

“And you say you told her to do it just because she was annoying you?” He repeats. I nod.

My doctor taps his pen rhythmically. It has an ominous sound to it. Like seconds ticking down to his inevitable rage, and my equally inevitable expulsion from this hospital. I wonder if Kyouko has already been notified. If she has, I’m sure she’s on her way here to kick my ass as we speak.

I think I’d rather be sent to prison than face her.

It’s hard enough facing Shiki. Well, actually it’s harder, if only because I actually value his opinion of me. I’ve been trying all night not to think about it, since I know I’ve probably dropped to less than zero in his eyes right now. But sitting across from him now, how can I avoid it?

He must think I’m scum. Doing this shit first to my sisters, and now to someone I don’t even know. I’m sure to him I’m a true sadist. Maybe he even thinks I’m a sociopath. The irony.

Part of me aches to tell him that the real blame falls on the real sociopath of the ward. But it wouldn’t do a lot of good. I’d just turn into a whiny child blaming other people for his problems.

It’s better this way. It’s better for everyone involved. I have to keep telling myself that. Until I can actually believe it.

“Bullshit.” I’m jerked out of my thought by his blunt dismissal of the situation. I can feel myself gaping open mouthed at him. He merely raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t tell Saki to do anything.”

“I did! I told her to break her arm! Shizuo didn’t do it!”

“I know that Shizuo didn’t do it.” He state simply.

“...You do?” I kind of squeak out.

“There was always going to be an investigation. Especially since Saki is a pathological liar with a habit of breaking her own bones to get attention. But the investigation was put on hold before it could properly begin, due to your confession.” Oh. Awkward.

“Sorry?” I attempt. He rolls his eyes.

“I want to know the truth, and that’s why I’m here speaking with you instead of dismissing your claim and starting the inquiry. But I assure you, I know that you weren’t involved.” He’s so infuriatingly calm! It’s not fair, when I’m about an inch from losing my already straining grasp on sanity.

“How are you so freaking that I’m not the mastermind of this shit-show?” I hiss.

“Because I know what really happened the night you were admitted.” His words are like a bucket of ice water to the face. I can feel all my blood draining from my brain, rushing straight down to my body, which is getting keyed up for fight or flight. Not sure which it’s gonna be yet. “Would you like to deny it?”

“Who told you?” I ask, almost too quietly for him to hear it.

“Your grandmother. She came to see me the morning after she visited you. She asked me not to tell you, but I think it’s time for the whole truth. From both of us. The delicacy of the situation we’re currently faced with requires nothing but the truth at this point, Izaya.”

“I am telling the truth.” I insist without conviction.

“No. You’re not. You’ve been as honest as you can with me up to now, and I appreciate that. You’ve only lied to me twice, including today. That’s also how I know you didn’t do this. You’ve been struggling for control over yourself for nearly three whole months now. You wouldn’t flush it down the drain just because Saki was annoying. Not with your entire life on the line.”

“Don’t act like you know me.” I bristle, my panic making me unnecessarily coarse. However, he seems to see it for what it is. He doesn’t even blink at my jagged edges pressing into the conversation.

“I think I have a pretty good idea of you by now. And I know that you didn’t do this. Just like you didn’t convince your sisters to kill themselves.” His words are a knife stabbing into my side over and over again. It takes all the breath from me, and leaves me pitifully trying to make him stop.

“Yes I did.”

“No, you didn’t. Or are you implying your grandmother lied on your behalf?” Shiki raises an eyebrow doubtfully. Fuck, he really must have met Natsu. If the thought that I would accuse her of lying makes him look that doubtful, I’m sure that he has.

But I’m still gonna do it. “Of course she did, she’s my grandmother. Family lies for family all the time.”

“Not your family. The only one who lies for the rest of them is you, isn’t that right?” Another savage puncture seems to open, this one in my chest. I can’t breathe.

“I didn’t…I did tell them. And I did tell Saki.”

“Izaya, I’ve known for months now what kind of person you are. And I’ve known for weeks the things that you’ve done for the ones you care about- the ones you pretend to hate, especially. You don’t have to pretend around me.” No. No no no no no-

“I don’t know what you think you know, but it’s a lie. I’m trying to tell you the truth. I’m trying to be honest.” Liar.

“You’re doing the exact opposite. But I know you’re doing it to protect others. I just wish you’d have a little more willingness to protect yourself.” My blood has come back to my head, but it’s only to fill up my cheeks. I still feel painfully light headed and I’m definitely still panicking.

“I…” I didn’t anticipate this. Why is this harder than what I was supposed to be doing? Getting yelled at and kicked out? I could do that. But this…I can’t stand it.

“I know this must be a lot for you. I need you to calm down though. We have a lot we need to discuss.” Shiki commands, starting to look a little worried. I force myself to take a deep breath, holding it in for five counts before releasing it. He nods in approval. “Keep going.”

It takes a long time for me to calm down, even with the deep breathing. But finally my shaking dies down and I slump in my chair, thoroughly exhausted. I didn’t sleep at all last night, and my panic attack took a lot out of me. But like he said, we have a lot to discuss. I don’t think I’ll be free of this room anytime soon.

“Would you like to discuss your sisters or Saki?” What a great start.

“Neither.” I mutter.

“We’ll start with your sisters then.” I cringe. “Would you like to tell me what happened, or should I tell you what I learned from your grandmother?”

“You’re putting an awful lot of faith into the story of a senile old woman.” I bite, and he smirks.

“Good to see you’re getting your charming wit back. I’ll tell you what I know then. I know that you weren’t even in the house when your sisters attempted to commit suicide. You were with a friend, right?” I make a face of disgust before I can help myself.

“More like a pawn. I was trying to convince her to get revenge for me at school, since I was expelled and wouldn’t be able to do it myself.”

“I’m assuming you succeeded.” Shiki drawls, sounding only slightly disappointed. He’s too preoccupied with the bigger picture to really get upset by my petty actions from so long ago.

“I assume so. I wasn’t able to see it through, so I’m not sure.” But usually when I start something, it gets done. Funny how I haven’t even thought of it since being admitted here though.

“Regardless, you admit that you weren’t home.” Shiki brings the conversation back around, much to my displeasure.

“Just because I wasn’t there to shove the pills down their throat, doesn’t make me any less responsible.” The vehemence in my tone seems to honestly surprise him. If I was any less frazzled, I would totally feel proud of that. I’d probably even taunt him. But I hardly even recognize it at the moment, much less mention it.

“Tell me how you are responsible then. Because according to your sisters and your grandmother, you never once told the twins to kill themselves. They insisted it was something they decided to do together, and that you took the fall for anyway. Are they wrong?” he demands.

There’s a knot in my throat that I have a hard time swallowing past. It feels like something heavy is sitting in my windpipe, choking me while not restricting my airway at all. I force it down as much as I can with a rough gulp. It feels like a raw wound opening inside me.

And as I suffer from the effects of swallowing what’s apparently the mental equivalent of a handful of glass, Dr. Shiki just sits there and stares at me. Patiently. Expectantly. Ready to wait all fucking day if it means getting the truth from me.

I’m not willing to wait. I just…want to get this over with. I’m just tired.

“I am responsible.” I repeat, for what feels like the millionth time.

Before he can refute it, I force my aching throat to work for me. “I’m responsible because I’m their older brother, and I kept trying to kill myself over and over. And every time I did, they saw their parents come home from work to deal with it. So what else are two little girls supposed to do to see their parents? They only know what they’ve seen me do. They know that suicide is the only way to bring their family together, even if it’s only for a day or two.”

Shiki’s gaze softens so much and so fast that I have to look away from him. There’s a stinging in my eyes that I want absolutely nothing to do with. I hate it.

“You think that because you tried to kill yourself in the past, it inspired them to give it a try too?” He surmises. It hurts to hear it. Really, really hurts. But I nod. “Izaya, you can’t hold yourself responsible for the actions of your sisters.”

“They never would have done what they did if they hadn’t seen me do it so often. They never would have tried to get attention in that way if I wasn’t a fucking expert at it.” I talk right over him, like a dam has burst and now everything I’ve been carefully keeping inside is rushing out.

“No, Izaya, that’s not-”

“I even fucking said it to them! They…they asked me why our parents were away so much and I said…I told them that no one in the family had tried to kill themselves recently, so there was no reason for them to come home. I said that! I fucking told them that!” I’m starting to feel frantic again. I can’t even look at Shiki anymore.

Which makes his sudden appearance at my side so much more jarring. I flinch away from the firm hand he puts on my shoulder, but he only follows the motion, gripping me even tighter.

“Listen to me. Making a bitter comment does not equal out to telling your sisters to kill themselves. You are no responsible for that.” His voice is calm and very self assured. It washes over me, but doesn’t manage to sink into my brain at all.

“I could have stopped them. If I had just been there. If I had just kept my stupid mouth shut to begin with.”

“Nothing good ever came from asking, ‘what if’.” He dismisses. “Look at me. It’s not your fault.”

“Then who’s is it?!”

“Your sisters. They are responsible for their actions.” Shiki grimaces when I turn my face up towards him. Do I look that bad right now? I’m not even crying. Yet.

“They’re just children.” I murmur.

“So were you, the first time you tried to kill yourself. And you did it for very similar reasons.” He reminds me. Like I could ever forget. “I know you just want to protect them. I know you were trying to protect them when you took the blame for what happened. But you have to know that in the end, you’re only stunting their own recovery. If they don’t know better, they’ll keep doing it.”

I flinch again. I don’t know if I can stomach the thought of them doing it again. I just hope they learn their lesson. I hope they realize that Kyouko and Shirou will only ever come home long enough to send them off to a hospital. I’m pretty sure the girls didn’t even see them, since they were still out of commission when our parents went back to work.

I hope that was enough to convince them not to ever do it again. I hope.

Shiki sighs, sensing that I’m too absorbed in my thoughts to keep talking about this anymore. He squeezes my shoulder one more time and goes back to his seat on the other side of his desk.

“Regardless of your reasoning, you weren’t responsible for your sisters overdose. And I know you’re not responsible for Saki breaking her arm. I’m just not sure who you’re trying to protect by claiming that you are.”

“Your faith in me is…well, quite frankly it’s weird. Just because you seem sure that I didn’t tell my sisters to kill themselves, you’re also absolving me of something that I am blatantly telling you I did do?” I manage to regain a little of my mask for this. Shiki doesn’t look thrilled to see it back.

“Besides my own analysis of your character and past circumstances, I also have a handful of testimonies here that seem to support my faith in you.” He picks up a small, paper-clipped stack of papers.

He doesn’t offer them to me, he merely flips through them, humming thoughtfully. “You have some good friends here. Namie. Shinra. Erika. Walker. Mika. Masaomi. They all seem certain that you had nothing to do with Saki being injured. In fact, after hearing you taking the blame last night, all six of them, at separate times, went to Nurse Celty to insist they give testimonies declaring your innocence.”

Shiki waves the little group of paper at me, in what almost feels like a taunt. I want to rip them out of his hands.

“They…they’re not…” Not telling the truth? They’re not my friends? Do I even believe that? “It wasn’t Shizuo.”

“I don’t believe it was. The common thought seems to be that Vorona and Mikado staged the event to frame Shizuo.” To hear him say that, so bluntly and without any trace of disbelief in his tone, is definitely like being dunked in an icy lake. I was so certain that he would never believe me if I told him the truth.

But he’s holding six testimonies in his hand that are telling him the truth, and because of that he’s actually the one trying to convince me of the actual story.

“And you believe them?” I ask nervous, just to make sure. His eyes soften again. It’s kind of creepy, to see him being so blatantly emotional. Weird..

“I do.”

The sigh of relief that builds in my chest is impossible to resist. It eases from my lips like a release that leaves me hollowed out and slumped back in my seat. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m not totally fucked over right now. It’s actually unbelievable.

“That being said,” Fuck. “I still need answers Izaya. I believe your fellow patients about the culprit, but I need you to help me understand why this happened in the first place.”

Which is pretty much the hardest part of this to explain. I might still get in trouble after all. Especially since he’s gone out of his way to point out that dating between patients is off limits before.

“I uh…Vorona has seen me as a threat since I got here.” That’s a safe enough place to start, I think. “She’s the reason I admitted my self injury and went back to level one the first time. She wanted me to know my place in the ward.” I fib a little on that second part, but it’s better than admitting she wanted me out of the way so she could bone Shizuo without worry of interference.

“I see. And she assumed you would take the blame for this? Why?” He demands. I fidget in my seat.

“Because…I don’t hate Shizuo as much as I claim to.” I mutter bitterly. A sly smirk curls up the side of Shiki’s mouth.

“I’m glad to hear that. I figured it was something along those lines. Considering that one of the first things you said to me today was in Shizuo’s defense.” I fight off a blush with every inch of malice I can muster. “So it was for your friend this time.” Oh thank god he assumes it’s just friendship.

“I guess so.” I sigh.

“I’m beginning to think your true hobby is self sacrifice.” He grumbles to himself. I open my mouth to snarl something rude, but he talks over my intention like he can hear my thoughts already. “And what about Mikado?”

“What?”

“What’s his part in this? Why did he frame Shizuo?” Oh boy.

“Um, I think he was just following Vorona’s lead because he resents me. He’s very…attached to Masaomi, and was angry whenever Masaomi would come to me for advice. He thought I was trying to drive a wedge between them.”

“Were you?” Shiki asks, one eyebrow raised skeptically.

“No, I tried to avoid the both of them at all costs!” I scoff. “But no matter how many time I told Mikado that I had nothing to do with Masaomi, he wouldn’t believe me.”

“I see.” Shiki hums. I wait for a good long moment, making sure that he doesn’t have anything else to say hidden up his sleeve.

When he’s still quiet, I take a deep breath and ask, “Now what?”

“Well, now I formally start my investigation. Myself and Dr. Kujiragi will be speaking to everyone in the ward about all the things we’ve discussed, and a few other things as well. Since you have made a confession, and you’re involved in the events, you’ll be staying in a different ward for a few nights. So will Shizuo, Saki, Vorona, and Mikado. At the end of the investigation, we’ll meet again and decisions will be made.” He tells me, as detached and professional as ever. I nod weakly.

It’s going to be a long few days.

But, it could have been a lot worse. For once in my life, I don’t feel like I’m getting the worst end of things.

I just hope that Shizuo will be okay too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miracle shrink Dr Shiki to the rescue! Don't worry Izaya, you do have people fighting in your corner!


	21. Day 72

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's more terrifying? Getting a verdict, or waiting for it? 9 out of 10 Izaya's say...

Day 72

The ward I’m sent to is nice. It’s quiet. Which I guess is because there’s only a handful of other people here, and we’re all pretty much confined to our rooms. Patient contact is as close to zero as they can manage it.

The one-on-one nurse I’m assigned is cool too. He pretty much just sits back and reads all day. He’s there when I wake up and when I go to sleep. I know he goes home at some point, but I haven’t been conscious to see it yet. But, somehow, it’s not as invasive as I feared it would be. He’s just so much like a shadow that I hardly even notice he’s there sometimes.

However, when I’m desperately bored, he’s willing to talk to me. We don’t talk about anything particularly interesting. Usually he just fills me in on current news, which is nice. A link to the outside world.

Honestly I kind of wish I had been sent here sooner. The only person I see regularly is Kine. I don’t have to worry about sociopaths and monsters. I can just lay back and obsessively pick apart my life and analyze every moment where I went wrong ever. Which I’m sure is healthy.

It has given me a lot to think about at least. A lot of my sessions with Shiki keep playing on repeat in my head. Lessons I probably should have taken to heart a long time ago when other shrinks tried to tell them to me. But I hated all my other shrinks and had no respect for what they had to say. Unlike Shiki. I guess I begrudgingly like Shiki.

Even if it is taking him forever to “investigate” the whole Saki situation. I’m not in a hurry to return to the ward, but I am in a hurry to find out if Shizuo has officially been cleared yet.

I also want to know how afraid I should be of getting strangled in the middle of the night by a sociopath and a sadistic alternate personality who could somehow manage to slip through the nurses’ fingers.

“Meal time.” Kine breaks through my thoughts with his bland, bored tone. I blink a few times to clear the vacant sign from my eyes. He’s holding a tray out to me, waiting expectantly for me to take it.

“Pass.” I mumble. He doesn’t even blink.

“We’ve been over this. You’re required to eat at least one meal a day.” He deadpans.

“There’s still dinner.” I point out. “That’ll be the one with the most calories anyway.” Kine very reluctantly stops offering me the tray, taking it to the doorway to wait for the cart to pass by on it’s way back to the kitchen. Once he’s handed my untouched tray back, he returns to his seat near the door to read.

I would never get away with the half the shit Kine let’s me get away with back on the ward. I wish I could take him with me if I go back there. But I guess that wouldn’t be strictly in the realm of healthy.

Besides not eating regularly, and hardly leaving my bed- it’s also very easy to dissociate around him. Because we hardly talk, and when we do it’s only about trivial news stories. I can’t really tell why he chose to become a nurse, because it’s not beside manner. But that’s my kind of nurse.

The only downside is that time passes weird. It either crawls by achingly slow, or I blink and suddenly it’s dinnertime. The last few days have alternately felt like an entire week and like a few minutes.

It’s one of the latter kind of days apparently. Because the next time I blink myself to clarity, the world outside my window is dark. However, it’s not Kine offering me dinner that’s roused me from my zoned out state. It’s Shiki, knocking politely on my door.

He nods to my one-on-one nurse, who inclines his own head in respect before excusing himself. Shiki closes the door behind him, grabbing Kine’s chair to bring over to my bedside. He settles in like it’s his cushy office throne and not a stiff folding chair. Whatever makes him happy I guess.

“Good evening Izaya.” He greets, giving away nothing in his tone. I’m practically vibrating with anxiety and the need to know what’s going on. But I try to control that. At least long enough to give him the same courtesy.

“Hi.” Oh yeah. So courteous. “So…” I start, unable to hold it in.

“The matter has been resolved. Based on nurse and patient testimony, as well as security camera footage, it’s been determined that Vorona and one of Mikado’s alternate personalities coerced Saki to break her arm and blame Shizuo.”

I almost want to laugh. It’s impossible to me that they actually believed the truth. Especially when there was a sociopath manipulating the truth.

“Of course, as we were reviewing security footage, other aspects of the situation came to light.” Shit. That doesn’t bode well.

“Yeah?” I ask nervously.

“Relationships between patients are strictly forbidden, Izaya.” He reminds me. I feel my face paling. “And while I’m glad that you definitely don’t hate Shizuo as much as you pretended to, I have to berate you for carrying on a relationship with him. Especially when I know you know better.”

“I…yeah, I know.” I mumble weakly. “I didn’t intend…I never meant to…” I scramble for something, anything to say in my defense. His face softens a little.

“It’s alright Izaya. I know you meant no harm. But it’s still a rule. And for good reason. It prevents things like this from happening in the first place.” Things like the giant shit show that ended up injuring a patient.

“I’m sorry.” I admit honestly. He sighs.

“What’s done is done. Vorona was transferred to a high security hospital earlier today. And Mikado was discharged to his family. As for Saki, she’ll be staying on her new ward for the foreseeable future.” He tells me benignly.

“And Shizuo?” I dare to ask. Shiki hesitates, obviously trying to decide how good of an idea it is to tell me anything about the guy I broke the rules for. But in the end he seems to think no more harm can come than what’s already been done.

“He’ll be staying in his new ward until tomorrow evening. And he’ll transfer back after you’ve been picked up by your grandmother, sometime in the afternoon.” My heart shudders in my chest, damn near stopping flat. I’m sure my horror shows on my face, based on the way he grimaces.

“You’re kicking me out?” I ask, almost soundlessly. But he scoffs in reply, which leaves me confused as well as hurt.

“Hardly. When I called your grandmother to inform her of the situation she demanded you be released to her custody. Apparently she’s been going about securing your rights for herself, as well as your sisters’. She’s your new legal guardian, and she wants to take you home. Before any more harm can come to you.” And Shiki is very obviously not happy about it.

I’ll admit to being caught off guard by a few things. But, most importantly, “She…bullied you into releasing me early?” I ask in disbelief.

“Honorable early discharge. With the condition that you come to see me in my outside office once a week, and continue to take your medication regularly.” I barely hear him. I’m still hung up on the fact that my grandma was actually able to badger Shiki into letting me out before the end of the mandatory three months.

“I…don’t know what to say.” I admit uneasily. He nods sympathetically. “What if I fuck up again?”

“I think…that you’ll be just fine. Your grandmother seems like a good influence for you. And with proper medication and therapy, you should be able to function normally in society. As long as you turn your thoughts to good things instead of the manipulation of innocent bystanders, that is.”

“That’s gonna take some adjusting.” I admit shamefully.

“You’ve done a remarkable job over the last couple months. I hope you continue in a good direction.” I don’t have it in me to admit that I hope for that too.

I still feel like I’m abandoning a part of myself when I have thoughts like that. Improvement- by societies standards- has always seemed more like a loss of identity to me. I’ve been too stubborn for too long to admit that, but Shiki was one hundred percent right about me. I do rely on my behavior to define my existence.

I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not losing anything by giving up my manipulation and general shittiness. But it’s gonna take time for me to actually believe that.

“Yeah.” I offer feebly instead. Shiki eyes me carefully, trying to read my mind. Whatever he sees in those dark depths, he only sighs through his nose, his face softening again.

“I didn’t want to agree with your grandmother. I think you could benefit from staying here longer. After all, you’re not cured. But, you’ll never be cured. There are treatments for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, psychosis etc. Treatments that you need, and which will make it easier for you to function. However it will be something you’ll have to deal with your whole life. As I’m sure you know.”

“I am aware, yes.” I mutter bitterly. His lips quirk up at the side. I’ll never understand how he can be so amused by my dramatics.

“But if you continue to treat it faithfully and honestly, you will have a better quality of life. And more importantly, you’ll have a long time to enjoy that healthier life. You won’t feel the urge to cut it short. At least, not as often.”

Which is something I can honestly say I never imagined for my life. It’s been so long since I’ve woken up in the morning and actually been happy about it. I can’t remember when the last time was.

Hopefully, if Shiki is right, it could happen soon. Or at least, soon-ish.

“Thank you.” I offer him a small smile. But even though it’s pitiful and hardly even a lift of lips, it’s enough. Because it’s genuine. And he can tell.

“I thought I’d never see the day you honestly thanked me.” He tells me, blunt as ever. It’s more of a comfort than anything at this point.

“And you call me dramatic.” I pout. Shiki chuckles in his throat, then stands from the cramped little chair. He brushes the wrinkles from the legs of his pants, then pats me a couple times on the shoulder.

“Our first appointment will be on Friday at my outside office. Until then, I trust you’ll be able to behave yourself. You have less than 24 hours to be responsible for.” He eyes me sharply, like he knows what I’m gonna say. He probably does.

“I dunno, that’s a tall order.” I whine. He doesn’t even roll his eyes. He’s so used to me at this point. “But I’ll see what I can do.”

His own small, genuine smile tugs at his lips, but he hides it by turning away from me and heading for the door. “Goodnight Izaya.”

“Night!” I wave peacefully, even though I feel anything but.

Yeah, I know there’s been a resolution. The bag guys actually got what was coming to them. And Shizuo’s not in trouble, which is freaking great. But I still have to digest the fact that I’m leaving tomorrow. And that Natsu has kind of adopted me and my sisters. And the fact that I’m just not sure how I feel about leaving.

I’m glad, obviously. It will be great to sleep in a real bed again and not feel constantly on the defensive because I’m surrounded by people who actually make me look sane.

But out there, I won’t be sane anymore. I’ll be the kid who literally hit rock bottom- and hit it hard. The one who still hasn’t recovered from the impact, but my grandma forced my doctor to let me out anyway.

It’s a lot. I guess it’s okay to admit it- I’m nervous as hell. There’s a very real chance that I’m gonna fuck up again. And again, and again. I wish I had even a shred of the confidence that Shiki seems to have in me. That would be nice.

I’m restless with the information I’ve received in the last few minutes. When Kine comes back into the room with my dinner tray, I’m practically shaking. He looks at me like I’m a chihuahua, but sets the food down on my lap and drags his chair back over to the doorway.

I can barely even eat like a normal human, I’m so keyed up. Kine smirks where he sits, pretending that he’s not watching my every move with the plastic silverware I’m given.

I don’t even care. Usually the suspicion bothers me. Right now though, all I can think about is what just happened, and what’s going to happen tomorrow. It’s going to be rough. Really rough. Adapting is gonna take a long time. And I have no idea how long.

I guess I just have to grin and bear it and recognize that no matter how long it takes, I’ll have people at my side to help me through it.

Just, not the person I wanted there most of all.

Night 72

Tonight is the first night that I’m actually alone on the new ward. Since I’ve been cleared to go back to my original ward in the morning, they’ve put Kine with someone else. Someone who actually needs a one-on-one. It feels like I just blink and he’s gone. And I’m left awkwardly waiting out the rest of the night without even a gargoyle to talk to.

And really, that’s fine. I don’t want to talk necessarily. I’m just still full of nervous energy that has no escape. Three months ago there would be a sure fire path of action I would take for moments like this.

Currently that path is under construction. And until the road blocks are taken down to reveal a whole new circuit-board in my brain, I just kinda have to sit and let it happen. The existential panic. The boredom. It’s awful.

But I would still rather take it than the dramatics I suffered through in the other ward. So I’m less than pleased when Saki comes rolling in on her wheelchair about an hour before lights-out.

“Leave.” I huff, before she can open her mouth. She hesitates, her good hand frozen over her chair’s wheel as she stares wide eyed at me. And really, how the fuck did she even get in here without being spotted by the nurses? There are a ton of them on this ward, and none of them saw her? She can hardly even move her chair! Where is her one-on-one?!

“I…just came to apologize.” She tells me solemnly.

“I’m not interested. In your apology, or in you.” I don’t know how many time I have to tell her that second part before it’ll get into her head. Once should have been enough.

“It’s part of my therapy. I apologized to Shizuo too. Please let me apologize to you.” She almost sounds desperate now. And yeah, I guess it makes sense. No wonder she doesn’t have her one-on-one with her, and she got past the other nurses. It’s because they were encouraging her to come here.

I really don’t want her apology. I don’t care enough about her well being, and I’m still going to be angry no matter how big and watery her eyes get. But if it’ll make her go away as soon as possible, I guess I have no choice.

“Fine.” I mutter. She almost smiles, but my glare wipes it off her face. Instead she puts her hand in her lap peacefully, demurely looking at me like she’s innocent. The cast on her left arm ruins that illusion though. She put that there herself. She broke her own bones. Just because a sociopath told her to.

“I’m sorry Izaya. I thought that if Shizuo was out of the way, that you would like me. So I went to Vorona for her help. But I didn’t mean to get you in trouble too.” Wow, some apology. I feel even more pissed off somehow.

“Alright. Leave.” I order. She flinches, but makes no move to wheel herself out.

“I…I was really selfish. I’ve always been really selfish. But I was also thinking about you. I thought…maybe you were only with Shizuo because he was stronger than you. And when you put yourself back on level one, I thought you were trying to avoid him! I wanted to make him go away!” Oh if she’s looking for gratitude, she’s barking up the wrong tree.

“You weren’t trying to help anyone but yourself. Lying to yourself won’t make anything better for you. And it definitely won’t make me like you. What you did was seriously fucked up, and the only thing that’s changed between us is that I now find you unbearably creepy on top of crazy.”

Saki’s eyes begin to tear up. But I know manipulation when I see it. I’ve made it into an art form, after all.

“Listen, I don’t care about you. But I’ll give you a small bit of advice, just to get you to go away. If you want to stop fucking over other people, stop pretending that what you do is for anyone beside yourself. If you can’t even recognize the full extent of how selfish you are, you’ll never be a functioning member of society. You’ll be stuck in places like this all your life. And people will avoid you like the plague to keep away from the black hole you carry inside you.”

All the venom bleeds out of me with my words, leaving me feeling a little empty, honestly. I sigh heavily, slouching where I sit. That’s the most honest I’ve been in a while. But I can’t help it. She really pissed me off.

Saki, on the other hand, has turned to stone it seems. The fake tears are gone, disappearing somewhere around when I mentioned people avoiding her for the rest of her life. Her eyes narrow to almost a glare. And it’s actually almost intimidating.

“You’re nothing like I thought you would be.” She mutters.

“That’s not my fault. It’s your own unrealistic expectations being broken.” She full out scowls now. “Clean your shit up Saki. Or you’ll end up like Vorona.” I spit the name out like a curse.

Saki huffs and finally starts to maneuver herself towards the door. Just before she can cross the threshold she stops and glances coldly over her shoulder at me.

“You and Shizuo deserve each other. You’re both monsters.”

I want to correct her, but she’s already gone. It doesn’t matter though. Her opinion means less than nothing to me.

But I’ll always know. Shizuo may have unchecked rage going for him, but between us, I’m more of a monster. At least I knew for certain that he wasn’t responsible for hurting Saki. I, on the other hand, am responsible for hurting many people.

The only difference between me and Vorona is that now, I’m trying to change that. I hit rock bottom, and am actually trying to get back up.

I guess tomorrow is the equivalent of “Ready or not, here it comes!” and right now, all I can do is lay back in bed and wait for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that didn't seem too easy...when i started writing this fic, there was honestly not going to be a super tense plot like this. So i tried to make the resolution as realistic as possible without keying up the drama too much, does that make sense? now i'm just worried that it comes off as cheap or something? But i mean...i thought it was pretty realistic? i dunno, let me know.


	22. Day 73

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbye's are hard, but pretty much everything in life is.

Day 73

Kadota comes to take me back to the ward in the morning. It’s still early enough that no one has been woken up yet, thankfully. Which means the only people I have to avoid awkward eye contact with are the three nurses.

They take my vitals, and then send me to my room to start packing up the few things I have.

I’m pretty sure Natsu won’t be here until after noon sometime, which leaves me a lot of time to try and avoid people. I’m not sure what the general public has been told about what happened, but I don’t want to be the one to explain it all to a bunch of curious psychos.

The second I hear Tom making his rounds, waking people up, I duck into the bathroom and press myself back against the door. The unreasonable fear I feel as Shinra shuffles past is ridiculous. I’m not in a horror movie. He’s not a demon.

But facing him is terrifying. Facing any of them is terrifying. Why couldn’t they just bring my stuff to my new ward instead of bringing me back here?

I would happily sequester myself in the bathroom until my grandmother gets here for me. But the second Shinra gets back from vitals, he’s knocking softly on the door at my back.

“Izaya, come on, I gotta pee.” He scolds. I suck in a big breath, then open the door and step past him without looking at his face. The bathroom door closes behind him, and I’m able to release the breath I’ve been holding.

“You little fucker.” Shit.

“It’s good to see you too Namie.” I sigh, pretending to be very busy rearranging the small bundle of clothing shoved into my backpack on my desk.

“You’re leaving early. And not even in shame, like Vorona and Mikado did. How dare you.” She mutters, clearly bitter, as she takes up residence on my bed to glare at the back of my head.

“It wasn’t exactly my decision.” I admit, honestly enough. She huffs.

“I don’t give a damn if it wasn’t your decision. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Who am I gonna ally with when you ditch me?” She demands. I feel a little guilty, if I’m being honest. But I push it down. Far down.

“There’s always Mika. She’s valuable. And the twin terrors are good to have on your side.” I point out.

“You moron. They’re pawns. Where am I gonna find another queen?” Namie is scowling intently at her nails when I glance over my shoulder at her. I do feel bad, as much as I don’t want to. She must be able to tell, because she scoffs when she glances up at me. “And now you’re pitying me.”

“I would never.” I promise bluntly. “I just…will miss you. I’ve never had a queen before. Only pawns.”

“Oh god, don’t get your gay feelings on me.” She mutters, clearly disgusted. I let my lips curve up on one side. “Here. You’d better contact me.” She holds out a slip of paper towards me, and I take it immediately. I’ve never stayed in touch with anyone from my previous hospital stays. Then again, the only one who’s ever asked me to before this was Shinra. And…he’s crazy so…I didn’t want to.

“I will.” I tell her. And I think I actually will. “You’d better get out of here soon though. So I don’t forget you by the time you get back to me.” I taunt. She narrows her eyes somehow more, reeling her hand back for a slap. And yeah, this might as well happen. I kinda deserve it.

I close my eyes, bracing for the slap that I knew would eventually have to happen. Honestly, I’m surprised she’s never slapped me before this.

But it doesn’t come. Instead she grabs my shirt and pulls me in to kiss me. It’s brief, barely a few seconds. And she’s not so much as flushed when she shoves me away. I can’t say the same for myself.

“I don’t get what all the fuss is. Shizuo was framed, and two patients were discharged, for that? I thought you’d at least have whiskey flavored lips or some shit.” She seems honestly perplexed by it. I find myself laughing before I can help it.

“Don’t ask me, I find it just as ridiculous.” Namie smirks. “Then again, you only ever get a boner for your brother, so maybe you’re biased.” And then it disappears.

“I take it back. I’m glad you’re leaving.” She flicks my forehead, flouncing towards the door of my room.

“I’ll miss you too, Namie!” I call after her. She flips me off without looking at me, and then she’s gone. But I know it won’t be forever.

I have the feeling I’ll be seeing a lot of my friend in the future.

“Is she gone?” Shinra pokes his head out from the bathroom, looking scared for his life. I give him a thumbs up and he slinks out to flop down on his bed. “Thank god. She’s been terrifying these last few days. I don’t know what we’re gonna do when you leave, Izaya.” He admits, staring wide eyed at me.

“I’m sure you’ll manage. You did for two months before I got here.” I remind him. And surprisingly, his face actually darkens.

“Yeah, I did.” He grumbles. And he is very clearly not happy about it. “It’s not fair! You get to leave two weeks early from your evaluation, and here I am, still stuck on this ward after five whole months!” He whines.

I don’t want to tell him that I’m only leaving because my scary grandmother bullied my doctor. Even if it would make him feel better, that’s not something I want spread around. “That’s because you’re still crazy.” I tell him, instead of offering any kind of comfort.

He’s ready to bite back though. “Like you’re sane? C’mon, we both know you’re only getting boosted because of your boner for Shizuo. Couldn’t you have kept it in your pants long enough for me to be discharged first?” I’d rather he think that than the truth, honestly.

“Nope.” I chirp. “You’ll be discharged soon. You haven’t had as many hallucinations since Dr. Kujiragi started you on that new medication.” I point out. He deflates, all of the fight leaving him.

“Yeah. I guess.” He sounds absolutely miserable.

Getting treatment can be the loss of an identity for a lot of people, I know that all too well. But it must be especially rough for Shinra, since this life is really all he’s ever known. He’s been recovering from horrific exposure to drugs ever since he was a child. And the hallucinations of the Dullahan were the only thing he had for a long time. He really, honestly loved them.

I wonder what he’ll do when they leave completely.

“Hey, write down your email. That way, when you get out, we can still talk.” I offer him the same paper Namie gave me, and watch him scribble down his information on the back side of it. Then I fold it and stick it at the bottom of my backpack. Just to make sure it’s safe.

“You never emailed me after the last time.” He states, though he doesn’t sound mad. He’s regained a little of his constant cheer. I wonder how much of it is an act.

“I will this time.” I insist. He only shrugs. He doesn’t believe me. I guess I’ll just have to prove him wrong then.

“Breakfast time, my dude!” Tom yells to Shinra as he passes. And boy, that was pretty perfectly timed. I had nothing else to talk about with him. And I need time to prepare myself for about four other awkward goodbye’s as well.

Anri, Saburo, and Ruri I never even interacted with really. But I know I’m going to have to say something to Erika, Walker, Mika, and especially to Masaomi. I’m sure he’s especially confused by everything that happened. And, at this point, I’m the only one who can offer him any explanation.

I’m not looking forward to it though.

It could be worse, I guess. At least Shizuo isn’t on ward right now. And he won’t be until I’m long gone.

It’s better that way, anyway. I have to keep telling myself that. Until I actually believe it’s true. The only other option is feeling like I’ve lost something. And I’ve already lost enough throughout my life. I can’t let Shizuo be another thing taken from me.

I just can’t.

///

“So Mikado’s alternate personality was blaming you for coming between Mikado and me?” Masaomi still sounds confused- even though I’m not sure how much clearer I can get about the whole thing. I nod anyway. “That’s stupid.”

“Preaching to the choir.” I huff. Explaining things to Erika and Walker was actually a lot easier than I imagined. They were just glad to see me again. Very glad. Like, I kind of feel violated, that’s how glad they were to see me. And Mika, of course, already knew everything anyway.

But Masaomi is single-handedly making up for how easy things went with the other three.

“You obviously had a thing for Shizuo, why would Mikado think you wanted to ruin our relationship?” Ugh, why can’t he just listen?

“It doesn’t matter that I liked Shizuo. He thought that I was telling Saki to get between you guys, not that I was trying to date you myself.” I sigh with all the very limited amount of patience I have left.

“I had no idea he was even insecure about that. I mean, I did like Saki a lot, but I could tell she wasn’t all in for me. I do feel bad that she got hurt in all this though.”

Yeah, so I’m probably not going to tell him the part about Saki. It would only make things much, much worse. “I guess he was making emotionally charged assumptions.” I say instead. Masaomi sighs this time, like the weight of the world is slowly sliding off his shoulders. I guess no one was willing to tell him about any of this. And I can’t say I blame them.

“I’m sorry he made you get involved in all this.”

“There’s no use apologizing for it now. It’s over.” I mumble awkwardly. I just want this conversation to be over too. “Maybe you should take it as a sign to focus in on yourself now, instead of clinging to Mikado or Saki, or even Anri.”

“Yeah, you’re right. As usual.” He admits with a sad, self-deprecating smile. I groan, rubbing at the little ache brewing behind my eyes.

“I don’t want to be right. I just want you to actually take your time here seriously, instead of focusing on relationships that are bad for you in the end.” I don’t mean to be taking out my frustration on him. I really don’t. But I wish he would actually listen to me this time. Since every other time he’s come to me for advice, he’s only kept half an ear out for what I’m actually saying.

“Yeah. I will.” He promises somberly. Whether or not he’s gonna keep his word is another story entirely.

“Whatever. Just remember that what you do has consequences. And if anyone here can confidently say that, it’s me.” I mutter bitterly. He cocks his head to the side curiously, but I only smirk. “Still not a level five friend Masaomi.” I assure him, standing and stretching.

There’s still a good twenty minutes of free time left. I think it would be better spent with the people I’ll actually miss.

“Hey, Izaya.” I sigh through my nose, but turn back to look at him. “Good luck out there, in the real world.”

“I’m gonna need more than luck.” I huff, but smirk back at him one more time. “Good luck Masaomi.”

Thank god that’s over.

I wander out of the day room, intent on joining Namie and Shinra out on the patio. I don’t even make it to the nurses’ station before I’m stopped by Kadota.

“Hey, do you have your stuff together?” I freeze in my tracks, nodding. “Good, go grab it. Your grandma got done with the outpatient people sooner than expected. It’s time to go, Izaya.” He smiles at me, like he’s really proud of me. I don’t know how he could be, considering it’s not like I did anything to get released. It’s all my grandmother’s doing.

“Oh. Right.” I think about asking for a minute to pop my head outside and say goodbye to my roommate and friend. But it doesn’t matter. I’m sure I’ll see them eventually. Sometime.

I grab my backpack, wave goodbye to Tom and Chikage, and follow Kadota to the door leading off the unit. I’ve gone off unit enough to know where the hallway leading out to reception is. But it still feels weird to actually be walking down it. I honestly had not expected to do this so soon.

“Hey, I hope you do really great out there Izaya. I know you can, you’re capable of doing almost anything.” Kadota tries to pep talk me when he glances back and sees my frown. I just purse my lips and nod. I’m fine leaving. Really I am. I can’t wait to sleep on an actual bed, and have more than five outfits to choose from.

But the real world is…well, I’ve never been good in the real world. I always fuck up. Always.

But when I walk into the reception area, I can hear my grandmother sassing the awkward looking nurse in front of her, and that does make me feel a little better. After all, if Natsu can be considered a productive member of society, then I should be able to get to that point as well. She’s absolutely crazy! And so am I.

“Ah, finally. Is that all you have? One backpack? Unbelievable.” She shakes her head, already headed for the door. I chuckle, waving to Kadota. He smiles fondly after me, clearly pleased with my change of attitude. I can’t help it though. Out of everyone in my family, Natsu is the only one who’s ever give me a little credit. It’s a relief to be going home with her. More of a relief than I’m willing to admit.

“Good luck Izaya!” Kadota calls. I give him a thumbs up, then back my way out of the building.

I was just outside a few days ago, lounging on the patio, but it somehow feels way warmer out here than I remember. I take a moment to luxuriate in the sun beating through the cool breeze. But the moment is ruined by a sharp finger poking my side.

“Didn’t you eat anything while you were here?” Natsu grumbles unhappily, and starts shuffling towards the parking lot. I follow after her slowly.

“I eat fine.” The look she gives me over her shoulder makes me feel like I’ve just committed a crime. And I know what I’m talking about, I get those kind of looks a lot. Or, I did. I haven’t really in a while.

“You will now, that’s for damn sure.” She vows. There’s a taxi waiting at the curb. She climbs in the front, leaving the backseat for me. And the entire drive, she talks at the driver instead of even acknowledging me. Which I think is probably because she has too much to say, and none of it is acceptable for an audience.

My hunch is proven correct the second we reach Natsu’s home. The door has hardly closed behind me when she turns on me with a fierce scowl.

“You dumb shit. What the hell made you think it was a good idea to get involved with another patient? And then to lie and take the blame- again- after the last time got you stuck in that place to begin with! I knew I should have pushed for your discharge a month ago!” She rants. I feel myself flushing against my will.

“It’s not…I just thought that…”

“That what? You being punished would be better than the real culprit being punished? That’s stupid Izaya.” I groan, tipping my head back.

“I know.” I promise. Her frown only deepens. “I just…let my emotions get carried away.” I admit bitterly. Her face softens finally.

Natsu sighs and gestures me forward. I’m wary, but I walk towards her all the same. The second I’m close enough, she has me in a hug.

It’s awkward for the both of us. But it doesn’t last very long, luckily. “You always try to seem so cold-blooded. But you’re more human, and your heart is more brittle, than almost anyone else. So much so, that when you fill it will betrayal, or love, it breaks so easily. I know that’s why you’ve been avoiding both for so long.”

Natsu pats the side of my face gently. It doesn’t help me at all as I fervently try to ignore the tears building in my eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I choke. She only chuckles.

“Well, since you’re so fragile, why don’t you go lay down while I make lunch. I’ll come get you when it’s ready.” That doesn’t sound like a bad idea right now. I give her a watery smile.

Natsu wanders off to the kitchen, and I wander down the hallway towards the rooms of her house. There are a couple guest rooms, but one of them has a queen sized bed, while the other has a couple of smaller bunks. Seeing them makes me a bit anxious. Will Mairu and Kururi be staying here too? When are they getting out?

I’ll have to ask Natsu when things are a little less tense. Whenever that is.

As it stands, things are weird between us. She knows the whole truth of what happened, both with the twins and with Shizuo. Only her and Shiki do know.

I wish I knew how to talk to her about it.

I guess I have time to figure it out. I’ll be living here now, after all. And since I have no idea what to do with my life, I may be here for a while.

I don’t mind that idea. Not that I would ever admit it to Natsu, but I don’t mind. I feel safe here. And that’s worth it’s weight in gold. I feel safe, and maybe with enough time, I could feel at home too.

If it makes me selfish to hope for that, then that’s okay. I’m willing to be selfish for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand i'm back on my bullshit, incapable of answering comments... *sigh* i'll shape up eventually, but that day is not today.   
> We're getting close to the end now! only three more chapters! i can't believe how fast the end came! i hope you guys have enjoyed it thus far, and will stick it out for the last handful of chapters! Thank you!


	23. Day 131

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello Timeskip, my old friend~ I've come to skip with you again~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, in case the chapter summary didn't give it away, beware the looming time skip! for those of you who hate math (same bitch, same) there's been about two months since since he left the hospital. Anyway, enjoy!

Day 131

“It’s not fair that you get to see mom and dad and we don’t! We want to see them too!” I roll my eyes, paying more attention to my phone than the computer screen set up in front of me. Natsu nudges her elbow into my side, and I grunt in irritation.

“You’re in a different country, what do you expect me to do about it? Tell Kyouko and Shirou to buy a house down the street from your school?” I mutter. I’m not any happier about the situation than my sisters are.

When my parents announced that they’d be in town for about a month, I was actually pretty determined to be anywhere but where they would be. Mairu and Kururi on the other hand are pretty pissed that they won’t be here.

Natsu takes over when she sees how Mairu bristles at my words. “What your brother means to say, is that your parents paid a lot of money for your tuition and moving costs, and now they need to be at home for a while to try to make up for that spending.” Yeah, like her guilt trip will help the situation at all. The twins are not so easily manipulated with good sense and adult anxiety.

“Well when are they gonna come see us then?” Mairu demands. Kururi is quiet beside her, staring into the camera like a watchful golem. She’s calm- on the outside anyway.

“I’m sure they’ll make a trip to England as soon as they can.” Natsu assures her granddaughters. I barely keep myself from snorting derisively. “In the meantime, you have plenty of people around you to keep yourself amused, don’t you?”

“Just teachers and students. Not mom and dad.” Mairu pouts. I roll my eyes yet again. It’s hard not to.

I hate these mandatory, weekly skype sessions. I wish the little gremlins would just be happy with the fact that they pretty much won. They tried to kill themselves, and somehow managed to come out of the situation as coddled little princesses in a fancy little boarding school.

“Oh cry me a river.” I bite. Mairu scowls, and Kururi’s eyes dart down, away from the camera. “They’ll get to you. You’re lucky you’re even alive to see them. Grow up.”

“Izaya.” Natsu scolds quietly. I scoff, leaving the room before I can say anything worse. I’m working on that, but it’s a slow process. Shiki says I have a lot of built up anger and resentment to deal with. Even after two months, we haven’t made much progress with getting me to let it go.

So far the only thing that’s worked is just walking away from whatever is irritating me. Which, after a lifetime of confronting those things and twisting them to my liking, is difficult. But I’ve come too far now to fall back on old habits. I think Shiki would actually slap me if I did that. And he’d be second in line, behind Natsu.

Of course, my grandmother is less than pleased with me at the moment as well. When she finishes up the skype session, she knocks on the door of my temporary room, and proceeds to walk in before I can invite her in. I guess that’s fair, since it is her house and all.

“Can you really blame them for being upset that they don’t get to see their parents?” She asks me right off the bat. I want to laugh so hard, but I know she wouldn’t stand for it.

“Their parents have never made an effort to see their children. You don’t see me whining over it.”

“Oh, you’ve been whining. Just for the opposite reason. ‘Why do I have to see them? Why can’t I just go out of town for the month? I’ll literally live on the street for a month, just don’t make me see them.’” Her mimicry could use some work, but the point is still enough to sting.

“I get it, I’m pathetic.” I hiss. “Can you really blame me though?” I repeat her own words, and she sighs heavily.

“No, I can’t. I know your parents aren’t great- trust me, I know. Those idiots shouldn’t have had children if they were going to mess you up the way they did. But if they hadn’t reproduced, then I wouldn’t have my grandchildren.”

“The grandchildren you ignored most of the time.” I snarl, then cringe. “Sorry. I didn’t…I’m just…”

Natsu interrupts me with a patience that I never knew she had. “You’re upset. Seeing them again, after what happened back in January, will certainly be difficult. But they’ll be here for a whole month. I severely doubt you’ll be able to avoid seeing them.” She points out.

“This isn’t their home, they can’t barge in here without permission. You could always tell them to stay at their house and not come see you.” I suggest. She looks at me like I’m an idiot.

“You talk a big game to your sisters, but you need to grow up too. You’re an adult now. Freshly eighteen. And furthermore, you’re stuck here with me. Which means that you’ll be seeing your parents, whether you like it or not. You should spend less time moping and more time practicing all the passive aggressive remarks I’m sure you’ll be making.”

“Oh, I’ve been practicing those for years.” I assure her. “I’m just…angry. About everything that happened. It happened because of me, because I took the blame. But I’m still so angry with them. My parents, and my sisters.”

“And yourself.” She nods sagely. “Anger is natural, after what happened. I was angry too, when I thought that you had convinced your sisters to kill themselves. And when I found out the truth- that it was their decision and you were just taking the blame- I was angry at myself.”

“You weren’t a part of any of it though.”

“Exactly. I wasn’t a part of your lives, despite living less than thirty minutes away from you. I wasn’t there to see how bad your sisters were getting, or to see how desperately you were trying to detach yourself from your family. You’re still trying to do that, you know.” I flush, wanting to crawl beneath my bed all of the sudden.

“We’re not a family anyway. What’s the harm in detaching myself from a farce?” The look she gives me assures me that there was a lot of harm. But I already knew that. “I was tired of being a shitty substitute for their parents. They needed endless attention and I was just tired. That’s why I went out that night.”

“I know. And I don’t blame you. Neither of us are good at giving hugs and being emotional caregivers. That’s why I made your parents send your sisters to that boarding school. They’ll get the attention and adoration they feed off of there. Whereas you will thrive here, where you can have the space you need.”

“Thrive? I’m barely handing on by a thread.” I huff a harsh laugh.

“You’re holding on better than you think. You had so many destructive tendencies before your stay at the hospital. And I haven’t seen you rely on them even once since you came here.” I try not to think about how closely she’s been watching me since I started living with her. But she has eye like a hawk, and I know she sees everything.

In a lot of ways, living with Natsu is like living in the Ikebukuro Behavioral Hospital. I still see Shiki every week. I still feel like I’m watched intently. But at least the bed here is way better. At least there’s no sociopaths. Unless Natsu has something she needs to tell me.

“What can I say? It would be a pain in the ass to try to hide all of my bad behavior from my diligent grandmother.” I grin sharply at her. She’s the one rolling her eyes this time. I take a little selfish pride from that, I’ll admit.

“These kind of things take time to completely treat. But if you’re half as diligent as your diligent grandmother, you will succeed. And I happen to think you’re twice as stubborn as me.” I can’t help but to laugh.

“Of course you do.” She can’t seem to decide if she wants to laugh with me or smack me for teasing her. “I’m never going to be happy to see them, ya know. I don’t care how much time goes by, they still…I’m never going to think of them like my sisters think of them.”

“That’s acceptable. As long as you’re making your obligatory appearance, I won’t fault you for being a salty little shit to them.” She agrees with a pleased smile. “But, if it wouldn’t cause you too much pain, maybe you could start being a bit nicer to your sisters?” She suggests.

I groan miserably. “I’ll think about it.”

“Thank you.” She hums, clearly believing that she’s already won. That’s probably because she always wins, eventually. I always liked to think that I was good at playing the long game, but Natsu’s abilities put me to shame. “I’ll come get you when it’s time for dinner, okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” I mumble. She squeezes my knee before wandering out of my room.

God, she’s exhausting. Everyone in my family is, but especially Natsu. She’s just so hard to get the upper hand with. I guess that’s why Shirou was so good at handling Kyouko when they met, since he’d been handling his mother all his life.

I wish I was as good at handling them. The both of them. But I’m dreading seeing my mother again.

With a sigh, I roll over and dig my phone out from under my pillow where I left it. I have a few text messages from Shinra, but I ignore them in favor of opening up a new message to Namie.

She’s usually busy babying her brother around this time. But I know that Mika got out of the hospital a week ago, and he’s been pretty preoccupied with her instead of his clingy sister. Namie has been just thrilled.

So she’s more than willing to join me when I invite her to the cafe that’s about halfway between our houses.

Since we wound up in the same hospital, I knew she couldn’t live too far from me. But I wasn’t honestly expecting her to live so close. It worked out well, she’s only fifteen minutes by car from Natsu’s place. Which basically means, we’ve been hanging out a lot since she got released a month ago.

It’s weird, to have an actual friend. Really weird. But not…unpleasant.

“I’ll be back.” I yell to Natsu as I grab the car keys. She scowls at me from the kitchen.

“And where are you going? You’re supposed to be ruminating on how best to guilt trip your parents. And dinner will be done in less than an hour.” She reminds me, gesturing to the rice cooker she’s currently filling up.

“I’m just going to get coffee.” I sigh, swirling the key ring around my finger. Natsu eyes me doubtfully.

“Going to meet up with that girl again, you mean. I thought you liked boys. That one from the hospital, to be exact.” She accuses. I force myself not to blush, or show any reaction really.

“Okay, one- that was a hella low blow, you evil old bat. Two- Namie is too terrifying for me to want to put my dick in her, like ever. Three- your granddaughters definitely make out with each other on the daily, so I’m really not the one you should be giving the stink eye to when it comes to relationships. Bye!” I skip from the room before she can retaliate at all.

I’m sure she’ll give me hell for it later, but for now, I can drive away and bitch to my friend. Who actually gets to the cafe before I do.

She’s claimed our normal spot- a couple of high backed chairs in one of the corners of the building. We make eye contact for a second before I go to order my drink. And the second I finish paying and join her, she’s talking.

“What I just don’t understand is why he’s even giving her the time of day! I mean, he knows that she’s a stalker- I’ve told him all about her and why she was in the hospital with me! I know my Seiji is smarter than that, but he’s still going along with it! It’s horrible!” She vents instantly.

“It’s called a boner. It’s a powerful thing.” I deadpan. She glares at me.

“You would know. Considering all that happened because of your little boyfriend’s boner.” She goes in for the kill instantly. It’s a testament to how often I hear shit like this that my only reaction is a heavy sigh.

“Nice.” I deadpan. Her nose goes up in the air, high with self righteousness, instantly. But she doesn’t immediately go back to ranting and raving about her little brother- who is apparently god’s gift to this whole freaking earth. So I take the liberty of taking over the conversation. “My parents are coming home in a week.”

“That’s gross. What are you gonna do? Vegas? LA? You’re always welcome in my basement.” She suggests.

“The basement where you keep your weird sex dungeon stuff? Hard pass.” I drawl, enjoying the surprised glance from the lovely old couple at the table next to us. Namie rolls her eyes.

“Pervert.” My name is called from the counter, and I casually flounce up to accept my drink. Namie is scowling at her own cup when I come back to the table. “So seriously, what are you gonna do?”

“Suffer? Natsu says I have to make an appearance. But at least she isn’t making me be nice to them.” It’s still a kick in the balls though. Namie knows it too.

“That’s cruel and unusual punishment. I thought you said your grandmother liked you.” She takes a delicate sip from her coffee- softening the overall sharpness of her statement with a demure action. It’s a method I know she’s perfected, even if it’s useless against me.

“’Like’ is a strong word. She tolerates my existence a little better than she tolerates everyone else’s. Well, you should know. I’m sure it’s the same for you.” I gesture airily towards her. She purses her lips.

“As impossible as it may seem, I do find myself genuinely enjoying your company on occasion. And I’m not even biologically obligated to.” She tells me haughtily.

I make sure to put a little extra effort into being as dramatic as humanly possible. Enough so that the old couple starts to eat their shared danish a little faster just to get away from us as soon as possible.

“Why, Namie! I’ve never been so flattered in all my life! And to think, that such joy could possibly be felt by one little body like mine! It’s a miracle I haven’t burst with happiness by now! You truly-”

Her hand slaps over my mouth irritably. “Don’t push your luck Izaya.” She growls, shoving me back to slouch against my chair.

“What a buzzkill.” I sigh. “In any case, I don’t think Natsu is doing it to make me uncomfortable. If anything, I think she has more interest in making them uncomfortable than me. Just so happens, I’m the best way to make my parents uncomfortable.” I explain with a clipped smile.

“Ten out of ten, can relate.” She drawls. Then softens at the edges. “If you ever need to get out of the house while they’re here, you know how to get into my place.”

“I’ll definitely be keeping you as an ace up my sleeve.” I assure her, allowing a bit of weariness to leak into my tone.

“When did we switch from chess metaphors? Shouldn’t I be the queen up your sleeve?” She accuses. I shrug.

“Chess is so last season. But not to worry my dear Namie, you’ll always be a queen.” I assure her. “Now, back to the matter at hand. For my funeral, I want you to write a really nice, passive aggressive speech that borders on the line of full out ugly. I want them to writhe in their seats as they listen to your roast my dead body.”

“Stop being so dramatic, your parents aren’t going to kill you. And if they did, they probably wouldn’t even bother coming to your funeral in the first place.”

“Ouch. You icy bitch.” I huff. She smirks. “And besides, I didn’t mean they’d be the ones to kill me.” I mumble offhandedly.

I’m expecting her to be right there with a cutting remark, like usual. But, like Shiki, she has her moments when she’s way too observant, and way too dangerous with the information she gathers.

“I see the anti-depressants haven’t fully kicked in yet.” She mutters, somewhat bitterly. I pretend to be very interested in ever so slowly turning my cup in circles.

“It’s a process. That’s what Shiki says, anyway. He’s still trying to find the right medication, and the right dosage.” It could take a long time, I know. And I’m not super duper excited about going through that long process. But if it has to be with anyone, I’m glad it’s with Shiki, and not some dumbass who doesn’t deserve the degrees hanging on his wall.

“He’s still got me on anti-psychotic meds.” She assures me.

“That’s because you’re psychotic, Namie.” I remind her. She frowns, clearly not amused by my response to her comfort. “I just feel like nothing ever changes. Do you feel like it’s helping you at all?” I ask hopefully. Her scoff isn’t encouraging.

“Like you said, it’s a process. For people like us, that basically means a lifetime of tweaking the same thing just a little until maybe, possibly, you get it right some day. And for what?”

“The chance at having a real life?” I propose. Her face couldn’t look more disgusted if I just suggested she make out with Vorona.

“Yeah right. And you’ll have a healthy, blossoming relationship with your parents starting next week.” She deadpans. I grimace.

“Ouch. You’re in sparkling form today.”

“Bitch, I’m a delight.” She tells me vehemently, with another coy sip of coffee. I hide my smile in my own cup. It wouldn’t be good if she found out I agreed with her for once. Especially since she just went in for the kill like that.

But I’m actually pretty glad that Namie and I can talk to each other like this. It’s what we both need, I think. I know I needed it, at least.

Because even though I still feel like crap about next week, and seeing my parents, at least I don’t have to have it bottled up. I can actually tell Namie how I’m feeling, and she doesn’t judge me for it, as long as I do the same for her. She’s a good friend.

The first one I’ve ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> full disclosure, i was hella drunk when i edited this last night (which for me is current time. i'm drunk right now.) so if there's mistakes, i humbly apologize! let me know if there's tags i need to add, or mistakes i need to fix! sometimes when i'm sober, i will definitely do that!  
> thank you! love you all!!!! <3<3<3


	24. Day 137

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some things that even an hour of therapy can't help you feel confident enough to face.

Day 137

“You look happy to be here. A bit too happy.” Shiki eyes me suspiciously as he invites me into his office. I smile even wider at him.

“Oh ye of little faith. Maybe I’m just thrilled to see you, Dr. Shiki.” He doesn’t believe me for even a second. He’s already reaching for his shrink pad the second we both sit down.

“What are you avoiding today, if I may ask? No no, let me guess. Your parents finally got into town.” Hit the nail on the head.

“Bingo.”

“I knew it was suspicious that you wanted to change your appointment to today specifically.” He huffs.

“This was the only way I could convince Natsu to not make me go to the airport with her.” I shrug. Shiki scowls. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’m only delaying the inevitable by sixty minutes.” I point out with a grimace. His face softens a little. It always does, when I show genuine dismay.

“Have you spoken to your parents since your release?” He asks eagerly. I make a face.

“No.”

“Did you even speak to them after you were admitted?”

“I called Kyouko once. That went just super great.” I roll my eyes, just in case he wasn’t sure how sarcastic I’m being.

“Were they ever informed of the whole situation?” His brow creases with a bit of frustration now. Which is about the only reaction I ever get from him. He’s too good at controlling himself for anything more.

“Natsu and I decided against telling them that I had a fling with another patient, which turned into a ward war that got me kicked out.” I report dryly.

“You weren’t kicked out, you were forcibly taken into the custody of your very concerned grandmother.” He reminds me, still very clearly put out about it. “And besides, that wasn’t what I meant. Did anyone ever tell your parents that you weren’t the cause of your sister’s hospitalization?”

I cut a quick glance at the door. Even though we’ve never been interrupted- and even if we were, it couldn’t possibly be by my parents- I’m still paranoid whenever this subject is brought up. Shiki sighs.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’. Forgive me, but I’m still confused as to why you’ve decided to make yourself the villain. Even after our many sessions regarding the subject.”

“I believe in past sessions you used the words, ‘self-sacrificing’ and also, ‘a pain in the ass’. I think that pretty much sums it up.” I drawl.

“Oh yes, how could I forget.” He deadpans. “So you won’t tell them the truth, even though your grandmother will back you up if you do?”

“I don’t really see why I should, at this point. All the damage has been done, Kururi and Mairu are happily settled somewhere better for them, and I’m living with Natsu. Why does it matter what my parents have to say about the whole situation?” I demand. He’s ready with an answer for me immediately.

“Because you’ve craved their attention and approval for most of your life- to the extent that you developed several habits that threatened not only your health but those around you. That kind of longing doesn’t go away just because you say it has.”

My cheeks burn with either anger or indignation. Because I’m a salty bitch, I’m gonna say it’s anger. “But it does go away with absolute loathing.” I hiss.

“So you’d like me to believe that you loath your parents.” I’m pretty sure he’s not trying to be condescending. But his voice is just so naturally deadpan that it has that effect, especially when he’s trying for ‘doubtful’.

“Wouldn’t you hate the people who have let you down consistently throughout your life?” I want him to agree with me. Or at least to validate me in some way. He can see that on my face, and yet another deep sigh leaves his throat.

“I know you have a lot of resentment for your parents, and that much is justifiable. But I don’t believe that you entirely loath them. If you did, you wouldn’t hesitate to tell them the truth, just to rub it in their faces that they were wrong about you.” He points out. Except he forgot something.

“And what about the damage that would have done to my sisters? By rubbing in my innocence, I would be proving their guilt.”

“I guess I should be glad you’re not still insisting that you hate them as well.” He grumbles, jotting down a few things. In the moment of silence I’m left to stew and think about what he said. By the time Shiki looks back up at me and opens his mouth to speak, I’m ready to beat him to the punch.

“Would you be happier if said that I fear them? Since you seem set on believing that I can’t possibly hate them.”

“I think it’s closer to the truth, yes.” He frowns anyway. The admission of defeat isn’t something he necessarily wanted to hear, but he’s willing to deal with it anyway. “What do you think you fear about them?”

“Rejection, probably. Though god knows I’ve been rejected by them enough already.” Many, many times.

“It never gets easier, no matter how often it happens.” He points out grimly. “But, as you said, you’ve experienced it often enough to dull the sting at least. What about abandonment?”

“Dude that ship sailed a long time ago, and frequently, as well.” I dismiss. “Hmm…I guess there’s the always popular fear of disappointing them.”

“Which you also have experience with.” He huffs.

“Savage, Dr. Shiki.” I whine dramatically. He ignores me.

“Allow me to go out on a limb here, but my guess would be that you’re afraid they’ll take away the new peace you’ve acquired since being released from the hospital. You’re on medication, slowly normalizing. You have a supportive guardian. You even have friends, or so you’ve told me. Are you afraid all of that will be lost to you?”

I cringe before he can even finish talking. To be honest, I hadn’t consciously thought about that. But it resonates deep inside of me as he says it, and I know it’s the truth. He’s good at hitting those suppressed feeling and dragging them into the light. He’s too good at seeing through me. Just like Shizuo was.

“So what? I just have to suffer until they leave?” I grumble bitterly.

“Not necessarily. It would be easier if you accepted that you’re an adult now, and the things you’ve claimed for yourself to better your life, are under your control. Your parents have no say here. They can’t take away your medication, or your sessions with me. They can’t force your grandmother to kick you out. And even if they tried to force Miss Yagiri and Mr Kishitani to stay away from you, I doubt they would be successful. Not with how stubborn those two are.”

A small smirk curls up the corners of my mouth. “They are charmingly devoted, my friends.”

“So you don’t need to worry about them.” He insists. “Everything you’ve worked hard for is in your hands, not theirs. You can rub it in their faces for as long as you want and they will still not be able to rip it from your grasp.”

“I understand that. Really, I do. It’s just…hard to believe it.”

Shiki taps his pen on his doctor pad, waiting to see if I have more to say. When the silence stretches on for a long, long minute he nods to himself and stops the tapping to lean forward.

“You survived in my hospital for nearly three months, fending off a sociopath and a very aggressive MPD patient. I think you can survive a couple weeks with your parents.”

I laugh humorlessly. “I wouldn’t be so sure, doc. I still have nightmares about Vorona and Mikado, and like you said, I only knew them for a handful of months. Compare that to my parents, who I’ve known all my life.”

“The new medication hasn’t been helping you sleep better then?” He mumbles, writing down another few notes.

“I haven’t noticed a difference, other than feeling tired all day long.” I report.

“We’ll try you with something new next month. In the meantime, I want you to bring the unused tablets of your previous prescription to my office sometime this week. I’m sure, with your parents in town, you’ll make time to drop them off.” He side eyes me so fiercely that I have to awkwardly laugh just to break the tension.

“I can do that.” I tell him with fake enthusiasm.

“If the new medication doesn’t help as well, I may have you do a sleep study.” He’s talking to himself this time, but I find myself nodding anyway. “Other than the ineffective sleeping pills, how are you feeling recently?”

I shrug unhelpfully. But I quickly think up some bullshit for him when he glares into my very being. “I dunno, not bad but not good? Like, I still feel like shit most of the time, but it’s kind of just a fact of life and not the main focus of it. Does that make sense?”

“Yes.” He agrees easily. Too easily.

“No it doesn’t. it doesn’t even make sense to me.” I huff bitterly.

“Depression can be confusing. But when you’ve been a psychiatrist as long as I have, you start to hear similar words and phrases pop up. You’re beginning to distance yourself from your depression- seeing it as a condition and not a way of life. It’s actually a good sign.” He promises. I grumble, but don’t disagree with him.

I don’t want to admit it- I never, ever will- but he’s a really good shrink. He breaks things like this down for me, especially if I admit to not understanding them. And he doesn’t make me feel stupid for it either.

“Anything else new?” He asks, trying to move the session along.

“We could spend the rest of the hour analyzing the fact that I still can’t be nice to the little gremlins. Natsu’s been getting on my ass about it lately. Help.” I sigh, sinking into my seat.

“Wow. You’re actually asking for my help understanding your emotional instability. I thought I would never see the day.” He drawls sarcastically.

“Don’t make me take it back.” I bite.

Shiki chuckles, but draws a line on his doctor pad to start a new section of notes. And when he looks at me expectantly, it’s honest intent in his eyes. He does want to help me. Especially because I’m asking for it.

He’s a good shrink. Like, kind of the best ever.

And he really was right. Nothing my parents have to say can take this from me. I’ve finally found someone to click with who can help me, and even if my mother and father threw the biggest fit in the world about it, he still wouldn’t stop making appointments for me.

It does make me hopeful, as weird as that is to admit, even to myself. But I think…if things keep going like this, that they’ll actually get better. Slowly but surely, things will get better.

And I think I’m actually starting to believe that.

///

“I see you finally remembered where you live.” Natsu deadpans the second she catches sight of me walking past the living room. I freeze in my path, turning abruptly to face her and the two drastically different faces accompanying her.

Shirou looks pretty pleased to see me. Whether or not that’s fake, I’ll never know. Damn his perfect mask!

Kyouko on the other hand, looks like she’s just swallowed something foul and wants to spit it out. Which is pretty much what I expected.

What I didn’t expect was for them to be here. I thought they were going out to lunch after Natsu picked them up. I glance in the direction of the kitchen, just barely able to see the little stack of Chinese take out boxes. Figures.

“Session ran late.” I tell her with an innocent smile.

“I’m sure it did.” She drawls, totally unconvinced. “Come sit down with us. I’m sure you’re exhausted from being out in public for longer than ten consecutive minutes.” Well at least she’s roasting me like usual. That’s familiar, and somehow comforting, as I take a seat as far from the company as possible.

“Traffic was terrible out there today. That’s why we decided to bring something home to eat. I’m sure it was bad after your session too, huh?” Shirou jumps in, trying to give me credit where none is due. Which is weird, even considering his natural optimism.

I glance at Natsu pointedly, trying to gauge whether she told them or not. She raises an eyebrow, somehow managing to not reveal anything, and make me feel dumb about it at the same time.

“It didn’t help that it was rush hour.” Shirou adds, now sounding desperate for someone else to speak.

Unfortunately for all of us, Kyouko is the one who picks up the cue. “We heard you were discharged early, Izaya.” She tells me icily. And at the very least, I think it’s safe to assume that Natsu has not told them the full extent of things. There is too much venom in my mother’s tone for her to know the truth.

“Early release due to good behavior.” I correct, foolishly.

“You? Good behavior?” She scoffs. I look at my grandmother pleadingly.

“I was the one who insisted on his discharge.” She explains with the stoic air of a Grand Duchess just daring her subjects to doubt her. I relax a little into my seat. Right up until Kyouko turns a sharp glare at me.

“How did you manage to twist that, I wonder? I always thought your grandmother was one of the only people immune to your poisonous-”

“That’s enough of that.” Shirou and I stare in shock at Natsu, and even Kyouko looks surprised. She’s kind of always been the one in charge, after all. Being talked over by her mother-in-law is not something she enjoys, that much is clear.

“I didn’t mean to insult you Natsu, I’m only trying-”

“To assert your dominance and make it clear that you think so lowly of your son that he might as well be vermin defecating on your posh little shoes. I know exactly what you were trying to insinuate Kyouko, and my grandson has worked too hard over the last half a year for me to tolerate you saying it. If you have no intention of making an honest attempt at speaking with Izaya, you can feel free to see yourself out of my house.”

My ears feel like they’re ringing from the power in that statement alone. I feel like I should be making an offering in front of an actual goddess right now, she seems so damn powerful.

I’m not the only one awestruck. Shirou’s mouth is actually hanging open as he stares wide eyed at his mother. And as for my mother, she looks like she’s just been physically slapped.

As someone who’s been physically slapped by her very hand, I have to admit…it’s pretty damn satisfying.

But what starts out as satisfaction quickly escalates to awkwardness as the ringing silence only goes on and on. Natsu looks perfectly content with it, occasionally bringing her cup of tea up to her lips as she levels the most dead eyed stare I’ve ever seen at Kyouko. But Shirou and I are both squirming within less than two minutes of the quiet.

“Ahem…have you eaten yet Izaya? Like I said, we brought home some food. Why don’t you help me put it away and you can make yourself a plate while we do.” My father suggests abruptly when he can’t stand it anymore. I quickly jump up to join him.

“Yeah, good idea. I’m suddenly starving.” I agree, pacing to the kitchen and taking a deep breath of clear air.

“Oh boy, that wasn’t good.” Shirou sighs, slumping against the counter warily. “I knew it wasn’t a good idea to marry someone so much like my mother.”

“You knew and you did it anyway?” I mutter bitterly. He shrugs helplessly.

“She was hot. Still is.” Good to know my whole existence was only a product of how attractive Shirou found Kyouko. “Think they’ll fight?”

“Natsu doesn’t fight. She conquers.” I point out, with a quick peek towards the living room. Neither of them have moved yet. I’m pretty sure that’s not a good sign thought. “I’m scared.”

“You and me both. We could always take the car. Leave and see who’s still alive when we get back.” He suggest. I scowl at him. He smiles like nothing could possibly be wrong with that statement, or the situation it’s based around. I wish he would just stop smiling for once!

“To be honest, you acting like nothing happened is scaring me more than Kyouko’s justified saltiness.” I hiss. He quirks his head to the side.

“What do you mean? I’m not pretending nothing happened.”

“Then why are you being so…” I gesture to all of him, like that’s any kind of explanation of what I mean. Luckily he seems to understand.

“Well, like your grandma said, you did try your best. And you do seem like you’re doing better, from what little I gathered before you came home. Am I wrong thinking that?” He asks, and he can’t honestly be so accepting can he?

“Things are…okay.” I admit tensely. He smiles wide.

“So why would I be angry with you? It seems like things are improving for you Izaya. And I’m honestly happy for you.”

“Why?” I demand, feeling very taken aback. Shirou laughs.

“Because you’re my son.” Like it could ever be that simple.

Before I can demand something that makes more sense, he squeezes my shoulder like the cliche dad figure and it throws me off too much to easily recover. “I should go check if there’s blood. You really should eat something though. You’re almost skinnier than your mother.” He encourages. It’s creepy.

“Uh-” And he’s walking away, probably with full knowledge that I’m very confused and very uncomfortable right now. Did we just…bond? Was that supposed to be bonding? I don’t like it?

Ugh. I’m more exhausted by the last ten minutes than by the rest of my week combined. Traffic included.

But the worst is still to come. I can feel it. And I fear it. More than almost anything else.

///

Natsu has a decent sized back yard. She used to hire people to maintain it for her, but since I moved in, she has more fun bribing me to do her yard work. She could literally offer me one stale corn chip to weed her garden right now, and I’d turn down the corn chip but still go do some weeding.

But she doesn’t offer, so I take it upon myself to make the decision to do it.

After I put away the Chinese, I sneak outside before anyone can know any better. And I’m able to keep busy on my lonesome for a good hour before the door opens behind me.

I crane my neck to see who it is, though I already know. Kyouko meets my gaze for only a second before I whip my head back around to resume micromanaging the shit out of the patch of herbs my grandmother has growing.

“It’s insufferably hot out here.” She grumbles, and I almost want to suggest that she go back inside then. But that would definitely not help anything.

“It’s been this temperature for a while.” I inform her as bluntly as I can. She hums thoughtfully, dropping a chair about two feet from where I’m kneeling. I didn’t even realize she was bringing one over. I was so focused on the nonexistent weeds.

My mother makes herself comfortable while I grow more and more uncomfortable. Eventually it must dawn on her that I’m literally just redistributing soil to different areas and patting everything down.

“So you didn’t get kicked out then. Color me surprised.” Boy I’m so glad we’re back on this subject.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Why’d Natsu bail you out early?” She demands.

“Issues with the other patients. A sociopath and a violent MPD patient hyper-focused on me and convinced another patient to hurt herself to get to me.” I explain briefly. She hums again. I wonder if she even believes me.

“Did it get to you?” This is less of a demand and more of a question, but I know she still very much expects an answer. Though this one is harder to give. I end up just nodding, glaring at the soil. “I assume there’s more to it than that but…Natsu seems pretty certain that you didn’t do anything wrong this time around.” Her confusion on the matter is a bit insulting. But whatever.

“I didn’t say that I did nothing wrong.” I huff, thinking of Shizuo. I try not to do that so much anymore. Mostly because it aches somewhere deep inside me when I do. But I’m already uncomfortable with this conversation, so I might as well indulge the feeling for once.

“Oh?” Kyouko leans forward, catching the scent of my inadequacy. I bristle, rubbing my hands together to get rid of the soil on them.

“Doesn’t matter now. It was months ago.” I dismiss.

“I guess it was.” She acknowledges. “I’m sure you’re glad to be back to business as usual.”

“I’m not back to business as usual. I’m being forced to create an entirely new life for myself, which frequently makes me uncomfortable or feel like an idiot. But I’m doing it anyway.” I hiss, forgetting for a moment that whenever I snap at Kyouko, she’s always ready to bite back even harder.

“Oh how sad for you, having to give up your fun in exchange for functioning.” She sneers. I grind my teeth together tightly. She has no idea why I ever even started my “fun”. If she knew…if I told her half the thing I’ve told Shiki, I’m sure she would just deny her part in it anyway. Because she’s perfect, and I’m broken.

The best thing I can do right now is walk away from this conversation. I finish rubbing off as much dirt as I can and stand without a word.

“You’re ignoring me?” Kyouko actually sounds shocked by this. Which only makes my petty ass more determined to go inside without a word to her. But it only fills her with more self-righteous indignation. “Izaya!” She snaps, catching up to me just before the sliding glass door.

I should just continue ignoring her. I should cling to the ‘bigger person’ I’m pretending to be. I should just walk into the house and let Natsu snarl at her daughter-in-law again.

But then Kyouko grabs me by my arm- her nails sinking into my skin through my shirt in a vice grip. “I am your mother! You will not act this way to me!” And I just…really can’t do this anymore.

“You? My mother? Where were you when I was growing up? Where were you when I was struggling to cope with years of neglect and abuse at the hands of random strangers? Where were you when my sisters tried to kill themselves? Where have you ever been when they’ve needed you? Where…where were you when I needed you?” I demand. But the anger I wanted starts to flicker and fade into a bone deep sadness by the end. A sadness that disgusts me, but is impossible to deny.

Or, at least it’s hard for me to deny. Kyouko can bat away trivial stuff like this all day long. “Providing for my family- which you’ve tried your hardest to tear apart!” She seethes.

From the corner of my eye I can see Natsu and Shirou coming towards the sliding glass door- no doubt summoned by our yelling. I wonder how many of the neighbors are pointedly pretending that nothing is happening in our yard. I wonder how many of them are getting concerned.

Before any of them can do anything, I jerk away from Kyouko’s claw, feeling light headed from just a few seconds of confrontation. With anyone else in this whole world- even Aoba and Vorona- I could hold my own and not even feel dazed. But it’s always been like this with her.

I can’t be strong with my mother. I literally start to black out. But I don’t care if I actually feint right now. I need to say this.

“If you’re so worried about me poisoning your family, fine. I don’t want to be a part of it anyway. I found my own.” I glance at Natsu where’s she’s standing, opened mouthed, in the doorway with her son. “If you don’t want me to speak to the girls anymore, you’ll have to give them the message yourself. So when you call them in four or five months to check on their livelihood, you can tell them all about it. And maybe they’ll tell you something too.”

If she has to know the truth, I want the girls to be the ones to do it. Natsu nods solemnly to me, as if agreeing. But I’m fairly certain she’ll demand that Kyouko call the girls soon. Possibly even tonight, before Shirou and his wife leave. I’m sure she’d just love to be able to see the look on my mother’s face when she finds out.

“Don’t you dare pretend to be so pious-”

“I would never pretend to be more than what I am! And what I am, is done with your bullshit Kyouko. I’m done. So if you’ll excuse me, I have people who actually like my company that I would much rather be spending my evening with!” I brush past her, murmuring an unnecessary, “I’m going to Namie’s.” To Natsu as I pass her as well. She only nods. If she turns a glare at Kyouko, I don’t stick around to see it.

I feel like shit, honestly. I don’t think that’s going to go away anytime soon. Even after I vent to my friend, and possibly even after Kyouko and Shirou take off again. I’m sure it’ll stick with me for longer than I can imagine.

I just effectively disowned myself. After actually saying some of the shit I’ve kept bottled up for so long. If I’m being honest, I was half hoping to get some kind of guilt or shame from her. And when reality set in, and she wasn’t even phased, I just got so angry! I couldn’t help myself.

But…I don’t regret it. It’ll haunt my thoughts for the foreseeable future, but I don’t regret it.

She’s been so worried about me hurting her precious family. And I don’t want to shoulder that anymore. Not when there’s better things ahead for me. Even if I’m not confident about any of them, I know they’re ahead. At least, that’s what Shiki always insists.

So I don’t want Kyouko in my life anymore. I don’t care if she’s my mother, I’m tired of always being the villain. And if putting a stop to that means that I have to put distance between my parents, sisters, and me- that’s fine.

At least I have Natsu. And I have my friends. And I have Shiki. They’re my family- even if I’ll never admit it out loud to them.

As long as I have them, I won’t miss Kyouko. Not even for a second.

There are better things ahead for me. I have to believe that. I do believe that. They’re head, and I’m coming for them. Slowly and steadily, they’ll be mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooooooh but that was satisfying to write! it gave me anxiety, because i actually start to black out during most confrontations, but it was satisfying!  
> One more guys! not long now!


	25. Day 258

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All good things must end. But if it must end, let it end with a new beginning.

Day 258

My school’s campus is bigger than I thought it would be. Classes have been in session for almost a month, and I still haven’t found a perfect route around this stupidly large community college campus. It’s not even like this is a university, it has no business being so big.

Luckily I have a half an hour between most of my classes. I’m never late to anything, I just always feel like I’m expending too much energy getting where I need to be.

Especially when Namie actually demands that I make a stop near her Pharmacy Tech course on Tuesdays and Thursdays to see her. It’s almost exactly opposite of where I need to go, so I can only spare ten minutes to chat with her usually. But as much as I whine about it, it is nice to have her going to the same college as me.

It’s especially great when I actually have something the vent about.

“So, let me get this straight. It’s been more than three months, and she just barely called your sisters last night?” Namie’s brow furrows in utter disgust. I share the look.

“Yeah, and I had to wake up to their frantic phone call this morning because of it.” That was not a fun alarm clock.

I’ve been mostly avoiding any contact with them since Kyouko and Shirou’s visit. I thought it was best, until the whole situation had either died out into indifference or been resolved. And, to be honest, I did expect it to take much longer to reach that point- whichever way it went.

“So what did they have to say?” She demands. As much as she pretends not to be invested in my business, she gets awfully nosy about it if I hesitate long enough.

“Hmm? Oh, just about what I expected. They blamed me for manipulating the situation so they had to be the ones to tell her the truth. And then they burst out in tears apologizing and asking me to keep being their brother. It was exhausting.” I sink down in the seat I’ve borrowed from Namie’s frazzled lab partner.

“Jeez. What about your mother?”

“What about her?” I drawl, uninterested in this turn in the conversation.

“Has she called yet? Now that she knows the whole truth?” Namie insists, not buying my casual dismissal.

“No, and she’s not going to. If you think my pride is insurmountable, you have no idea. Kyouko’s pride could actually destroy the planet, if she got into a position of supreme authority. And it wouldn’t be a quick, merciful death. It would be slow and painful. Like a silent treatment.” I state dramatically.

“Ugh, no wonder your sisters are exhausting to talk to. They must have learned it from you.” She sighs, rubbing her temples. “I could have gotten the same answer from roughly three less sentences, you know.”

“Yeah, but where would be the fun in that?” I shrug. She looks at me like I’m the reason for every bad thing in her life. “In any case, Natsu seemed happier this morning than I’ve seen her in a while. Probably just because her waiting game finally paid off, and she got what she wanted. Again.”

“Your grandma is such a Queen.” Namie sighs. I don’t like how much she idolizes Natsu, but I guess it could be worse. And Natsu, of course, finds it very charming. She definitely likes Namie better than she likes Shinra, in any case.

While the bespectacled wonder may not be certifiably insane and hallucinogenic anymore, he’s still…a totally fucking spaz. I don’t like having him over for any longer than I have to. Usually I go to his place, to spare my grandmother’s nerves all together.

“So that’s it? The whole thing is just gonna drop now?” Namie asks, sounding more disappointed than I’m sure she wants to admit.

“Yup. Kyouko knows the whole story and I’m sure she still doesn’t care. I’m sure she’s very pleased to not have to legally bother with me anymore. And I’m not in a hurry for any big attempt at reconnection either.”

“Well good for you then, I guess. You won.” She cheers, about as enthusiastically as a dying sloth.

“That means a lot to hear you say. Really, I’m touched.” I grin pointedly at her. She rolls her eyes.

“Don’t you have a class to get to?”

“Oh, already done with me for the day? That was quick.” I stand before she can decide to swipe at me. She has cat-like claws, I swear she sharpens her nails to points. Or at least, it feels like that anytime I annoy her.

“You’re coming to that dumb social they’re having in the quad later, right?” Namie asks before I can skip away.

“Sure. It’s been a while since I’ve had a big group of humans to observe.”

She shudder dramatically. “Whatever, you creep. I’ll see you there.” And with that, I know I’ve been officially released for the day. Or, at least, until later tonight. I give her a little wave and flounce out of the lab room to her rolling her eyes yet again. She’s really perfected that.

It can cut many people straight through. But I don’t mind it. Her caustic side is part of her charm, as surely as her unexpectedly sympathetic side. I’ve gotten used to both sides.

I can’t wait for the social, to see her in action. She’s always in top form when she gets surrounded by enthusiastic and brash college boys.

It’s going to be an interesting evening, anyway. I just have that feeling.

///

Namie gives me the slip pretty early on at the social, the traitorous jerk. And she was being so entertaining too! But I guess it’s my own fault. I ended up spotting a girl I knew back in junior high- she was one of my only pawns to actually keep up with me. Shortly after that, Namie and the girl, Mikage, disappeared somewhere and I haven’t spotted them since.

They’re probably making out in a storage room by now. Channeling their mutual pining for other people into surrogate passion for each other. Disgusting.

Any other time I might be intrigued by the development and fascinated with where their relationship will progress to. But the assholes left me alone in a social situation where I’m not allowed to be also be an asshole, and I hate them for it!

Eventually I have to duck out, because the urge to manipulate some mayhem just keeps growing. Clearly I need my anti-psychotics tweaked a little. Well, at least it will be something new to talk to Dr. Shiki about when I see him next.

I cut through the main building instead of going the long way around the courtyard to the parking lot. It’s so packed with people that going that way would definitely take me hours of good intentioned ice-breakers before I could reach my car. And that sounds like a fate worse than death, honestly.

But going this way also turns out to be a mistake. I’m almost free, the parking lot is in sight! And then I pass by a door and abruptly get slammed into from the side when it’s thrown open.

I’m expecting myself to fall- and fall hard at that. But some stranger’s arm loops around my waist and pulls me back against a solid chest so I can stabilize myself. All of the renewed balance goes completely out the window when he opens his mouth and rips the floor out from under me.

“We need to stop meeting this way Izaya.” He rumbles. And god, I can I feel it throughout my entire body.

I can’t bring myself to look up at him. I mean, I know it’s him. I’d know his voice anywhere, especially in this proximity. But I don’t want to look at him and find out that it’s all in my head. Or that it’s just my desperation making an untimely appearance, because somewhere on this campus my best friend is getting lucky while I’ve been spectacularly alone for a really long time.

“Didn’t you miss me?” He purrs, interrupting my pessimistic train of though. I shake my head- not in denial, but more because I’m trying to clear it. He chuckles, nudging his nose behind the shell of my ear. “Liar.”

“How would you know anyway?” I grumble. He curls his thumb and pointer finger around my chin and tilts my face up towards his.

His face is exactly the same as I remember it. Granted, it’s only been like half a year since I’ve seen him, but he hasn’t changed at all in the face. His hair is longer though. Long enough to be pulled back into a messy bun. I reach for it without thinking, and he smiles. God, that smile.

“Hi.” He hums, before kissing me.

“Shizuo.” I breathe, just to say it out loud again. I’ve said his name in my mind so many times since my release from the hospital. But saying it out loud is…it’s like a shard of glass being pulled from an aching wound. Especially when he rumbles in his chest in recognition that yes, that is indeed his name. It’s really him. He’s right here, at my back, with his arm curled around me. Breathing and alive and real!

“You did miss me.” He states confidently.

“Says you.” I cling to a tiny bit of pride. He doesn’t look phased by it at all. “What are you even doing here? Don’t tell me you go here.” That would just be a little too coincidental for me to believe.

“Well, not yet. But, if I can get my GED before the end of the year, I can register for the next semester. My brother said he’d help me study.” He chatters easily, but I can hear the conviction in his tone. He’s dead set on doing just that. Nothing I can say would sway him, I’m sure.

“But…what are you doing here? At a college you don’t attend, during a freshman social?”

“Your grandma said you’d be here. I didn’t really believe her, since you were so much of a shut-in at the hospital, but she was right.” He shrugs easily, squeezing me tighter like he’s double checking that I’m not just smoke.

“Natsu?”

“Yeah, she told me the most likely place to find you. And she gave me your number in case I didn’t come across you.”

“Why?” Why would that little traitor do something like that to me?

“Because I asked? I dunno.” And Shizuo is, as usual, no help in figuring it out. I’m going to have so many questions for my grandmother when I get home.

If I ever get home. Shizuo seems perfectly content keeping me right where we are. He even manages to hold me tighter when I start to squirm. “I missed you, ya know. And I know you missed me.”

“You don’t know anything, Shizu-chan.” I poke his chest, which shakes with a mostly silent chuckle.

“I know that I missed you.” He insists, kissing my cheek just beside my mouth. It’s old habit for me at this point to push his face away and glance around worriedly. Even though I don’t know anyone here, and even if I did I wouldn’t give a fuck about their opinions of me. It’s not like Vorona or Mikado are lurking around anywhere to keep tabs on me.

Although, the amount of people I’ve seen from the hospital in the last six months is astounding. Namie and Shinra aside, I’ve stumbled across Saburo, Nurse Simon, and even Masaomi. Just out in the wild. It would not shock me anymore if I did look over my shoulder and find myself the focus of catlike violet eyes.

“Hey, you don’t have to do that anymore. Pay attention to me.” Shizuo pouts like the large man-child he is, reaching to redirect my face to his again.

“Can we do this somewhere else? This reunion or whatever?” I ask, somewhat desperately. Even if the odds of stumbling across another patient are slim, and even if I don’t give a fuck what my peers think of me, I still don’t want to do this out in the open. I don’t want more people than necessary to see how absolutely confused, vulnerable, and downright unsettled I am right now.

“There’s a bunch of empty classrooms I passed while I was trying to find you.” He suggests, clearly not as worried about privacy. He’s still nuzzling me and getting his lips anywhere he can find. I sigh, slowly managing to drag him- still half wrapped around my body- back through the door he came out of and down the hallway of said empty classrooms.

The first room that’s unlocked is obviously some kind of lounge. I turn the lock behind us, barely hearing the click before I’m being spun around and held to the wall just beside the door.

Shizuo looms over me, a dark grin on his face as he sweeps his eyes up and down at the most leisurely, goosebump-inducing pace. I literally feel naked by the time he’s done, and has returned his eyes to my face.

“You look better.” He states. I scoff.

“I look fatter, if that’s what you mean.” I growl, trying to convey how pissed I am about that fact. I’ve put on ten pounds since March! I feel like a fucking whale!

He pinches my hips through my jeans, smirking when I squeak unhappily. “You look good. I don’t feel like I’m going to break you anymore. And this means you’re actually eating like a human, right?”

“Only because Natsu is terrifying when it comes to the food she cooks and my obligation to eat it.” I pout more. Shizuo laughs.

“She is pretty intimidating. I see where you get it from.”

“And just when did you meet my grandmother?” I demand. I’m very confused, and I don’t think that feeling is going to go away anytime soon. Especially not if I’m trying to get information from Shizuo of all people.

“Today. ‘Bout an hour ago.” He leaves it at that, and honestly I want to strangle him. He would never make it as an info broker.

“And how did this come about?” I ask as patiently as I can. Which isn’t much, but it’s enough.

“Ruri exchanged numbers with Mika before she left the hospital, so I got it from her and called Mika to ask if she knew your address. And she told me, after I promised to get my brother’s autograph for her.” He gets a little more grumpy at the end there, but then he smiles. “It was worth it. I had tea with your grandma, and she told me where to find you. She also offered to just have me wait at the house with her until you got home, but she wasn’t sure when it would be. So here I am.”

I am…less confused, but more uncomprehending. “Why go through all that trouble?”

“Gee, I dunno, maybe because I love you or something?” He’s mocking me, that much is clear. It’s only the spike of irritation from being laughed at that stops me from full out shutting down at the statement.

Even if I don’t completely shut down, I’m still…out of immediate commission. Which Shizuo- opportunistic bastard- takes as his chance to slide his tongue into my mouth. It’s a slow, languid motion that reminds me too much of secret afternoons in a dusty storage cabinet. Or hidden rendezvous in the bathroom that always felt more dangerous than anything.

This isn’t dangerous. We’re safe here, even if we are hiding from the general eyes of the public. But my heart is still racing in my chest like nothing has changed at all. Maybe it wasn’t the danger of the situation at all. Maybe it’s always just been Shizuo and his proximity to me.

“Missed you.” He growls against my lips.

“You mentioned that.” I deadpan.

“Can’t believe you just disappeared like that. Can’t believe you did something as stupid as taking the blame in the first place.” Oh, so he heard about that. I flush a little, looking away from him. It would be useless to try to explain that I was backed into a corner. And I don’t want him to think I’m just making excuses to justify my burning need to save him.

Because that’s not what I was doing anyway! A monster like Shizuo doesn’t need saving!

“Why did you get discharged early?” Well that’s random.

“Natsu pitched a fit.” Might as well be honest with him. His relieved sigh gets me to raise an eyebrow curiously.

“I thought…maybe you got kicked out once they found out about us.” Ah, so he was feeling guilty. “I’m sorry I didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. You kept asking me to and I just…kept ignoring it.”

“That’s because you’re a dumb brute with a limited grasp on human communication.” I sigh offhandedly. He growls, burying his face in my neck again, but this time it’s so he can sink his teeth into the skin just below my ear. I whine, tangling my fingers in his already messy bun.

“You haven’t changed at all.” He grunts. I squeeze my fingers fitfully.

“I’ve changed a lot, actually.” I correct him. He cocks his head to the side. “I had to. As my mother put it, I gave up fun for functioning.” My grimace makes him chuckle wryly and kiss my cheek.

“Well, I think I can find something else to fill your time with, when you get bored with normal human life. Something other than being shitty.” He’s attempting to flirt I think. Which is ridiculous, considering how little foreplay went into our relationship in the hospital.

“Are you trying to insinuate that we fuck in a classroom?” I deadpan. He flushes ever so lightly.

“So what if I am?”

“Okay, so that would definitely get us arrested for public indecency and then put on permanent sex offender lists. And on top of that, you’re underage and I’m not about to go down for fucking a minor.” I poke him sharply in the chest and he growls.

“I won’t be a minor forever.” He pouts.

“And when you’re not a minor, you’re welcome to make a move. But until then-”

“You promise?” He perks up unexpectedly fast. I cringe.

“It was more a flippant remark than an invitation.” I try to insist. He doesn’t blink. “Ugh, fine. Yeah, you can come onto me once you’re eighteen. But not a second before!”

“I’ll wait then. I’ll wait as long as I have to.” He looks so at peace- even happy- with his decision. And I just…don’t get it!

“Why? You have options, you know. You’re not locked up in a mental hospital anymore. You can go on dates, have legal sex, date actual healthy people who will actually display their affection for you.” I point out bitterly.

“Which implies that you do have affection for me, you just won’t show it.” He surmises, and I find myself blinking at him, completely without words. How can he be so smart in moments like this but not…any other time?

“You’re missing the point.”

“No I’m not. As long as you like me, then I’m right where I want to be. Doesn’t matter how long it takes, I’m staying right here. With you.” His grin is somehow sweet and smug at the same time. Though I think the smugness comes from just how absolutely frazzled I am right now.

“You…you’re impossible. A total freak. A monster!” He only smiles wider. “How could you ever want to be with me?”

“Do I have to have a reason?” He asks very simply. Infuriatingly simply.

“Yes!” Because if he doesn’t have a reason, I may have to actually beat my head against the wall for lack of understanding how his dumb, ape brain works! At least Shizuo seems to sense this- or at least senses my desperation in general. His smile softens to a mere, fond lift of his lips. They’ve never looked more kissable, and I hate it.

“If I need a reason, then it’s because I want to be with you. And you’re the first person I’ve ever wanted that with. Isn’t that enough?” Again with the simplicity of a single celled organism.

“You infuriate me.” I deadpan.

“I love you too.” He smirks, catching my mouth in a kiss before I can pitch a fit. And as much as it pisses me off, I did miss this.

His hands have a comforting weight where they lay on my hips. And the width of his chest before me is like a protective wall from the rest of the campus- which is full of terrifying humans that I know I have no control over. I won’t let myself take control of them.

But I have Shizuo, who I’ve never been able to control, but who’s always been willing to submit to me anyway. Not physically, because there’s no way I could ever match his strength. If I’m any faster than him, it’s only due to agility and not raw speed. I can’t beat him in any way, shape, or form. But he’s here in front of me, and if I chose to push him away, he would let me. In that sense, I do control him. But only as much as he allows.

I think that’s called ‘being equals’. Weird.

“Do you want to go see a movie with me tomorrow?” Shizuo sounds disgustingly domestic. But, it’s kind of awesome. A tamed beast.

“I have class until two.”

“Evening showing. We’ll get dinner afterwards.” He’s surprisingly quick at problem solving, when it’s something he’s actually interested in, I guess. But I still want to make him work harder for it.

“I don’t have any money.” Which is a lie, but I really only have as much as Natsu will give me for doing things around the house, since I don’t have an actual job yet. Most of it goes to gas.

“It’s called a fucking date. I pay for you.” Shizuo deadpans. I admit that he’s good at taking me off guard. But, it’s not unpleasant.

“Well, as long as you’re offering I guess.” I sigh heavily, trying to lay it on thick so he’s not too comfortable with my agreement. But he looks entirely pleased with himself anyway, with no thought to my excellent acting. “I hope you don’t expect a happy ending at the end of said date.” I warn him.

“I don’t expect sex.” Good. “But badgering you into going on a date with me is a happy ending all on it’s own.” This smug asshole.

“You really piss me off.” I sigh.

“The feeling is mutual, Izaya.”

But the funny thing is…I don’t think either of us mean that. At the very least, I know I don’t.

It will still be a very long time before I can admit that to him though. In the meantime, it seems like he’s just glad to be along for the ride. And even if I can’t understand that for the life of me…it does make me secretly pretty glad.

Who would have guessed? Months of trying out different kinds of antidepressants, and the first thing to actually make a difference is this idiot.

Now isn’t that something to talk about in therapy. I actually…can’t wait. For my date, and to talk about it with my best friend. And after that, with my therapist.

I can’t wait. So I shrug and kiss Shizuo here and now. And he kisses me back. And right now, that means everything. I’m pretty sure it’ll mean more and more as time goes on. At least, that’s what I’m counting on.

I’m counting on Shizuo. And I think, for once, it’s the right choice to make. I...I trust him. I trust him with everything I am. 

I can't wait for the day that I can tell him that, too! I guess the only thing to do is take it one day at a time until it gets here. 

One day at a time, I'll get better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Screams in fandom* I can't believe it! i Can't believe it's over! I'm both sad and ecstatic!  
> Thank you so much to anyone who has read this- either as i've been posting, or all at once in the future! It means so much to me to be able to post something so close to my own heart and my past and have it received so well! You are all absolutely wonderful, beautiful people and i can't thank you enough!  
> Remember, if you or anyone you know have issues like the ones in the story, please don't be afraid to reach out to me! i've made some really good friends through fanfiction (hell, my roommate and I only met because of my old Hobbit fics) so please, don't be afraid!  
> I'm on tumblr, with the same username (redroses100) and i love to hear from you guys! i really do!  
> thank you a bunch guys! Until next time! Have a beautiful day/night/surreal passage of time!


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